Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog, Issue 28

HORB FLERBMINBER here to give you all the scoops and nuggets you can use in everyday conversation or to one-up your friends on message boards everywhere. I spent half of the weekend in a medically-induced coma because I ingested purple drank and told Floyd Mayweather, Jr. that he was more chicken than what Col. Sanders cooked. I don't remember much after that. Anyway, I STILL got more scoops than the average dirtsheet peddler because I AM THE WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST OF OUR GENERATION. Suck on that, Brian Williams. That's right, I'm not even going to taunt the Bruce Mitchells and Scott Keiths of the world anymore. I'M COMING AFTER YOU, LEGITIMATE NEWS AGENCIES.

Anyway, because I am prone to spending large swaths of time either in the hospital or unconscious by some means, I need a little bit of help here and there collecting the news to report TO THE MASSES. That is why I have a dedicated e-mail address only for tips and Game of Thrones spoilers. Please let me know what happens to Daenerys this season; my hobby is going to viewing parties and yelling out plot points to come and enraging everyone in the room. Anyway, that e-mail address is Also follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. You'll get all the latest, up-to-the-instant news updates, like when I broke to the world that ROH officials were getting shots against cooties in an attempt to try women's wrestling again. You don't want to miss a tweet!

My dog made boom-boom a bit too many times this past week, so I don't have any back issues of the newsletter for sale.

No one is sponsoring the newsletter this week, mainly because Mayweather has blocked everyone from giving me money. He really is one spiteful motherfucker, isn't he? Anyway, I tried setting up a GoFundMe page, but I was banned from the site after 45th time I tried setting up a page to buy Charles Manson a puppy.

Every time that I start to remember, I remember I don't want to remember.

- The big news of the week is the Global Force Wrestling roster reveal, which happened today. I would reprint the names of the ten names signed to the company, but do you really want to invest any emotion in a company booked by Jim Cornette? I thought so.

- Chael Sonnen was announced as a color commentator for the television broadcast, which means I will now shake him down for all the money I lost gambling on him on his last fight.

- According to a poster on Reddit, Vince McMahon is going blind. Apparently, a source within WWE's front office leaked him a memo that McMahon dictated to his secretary saying "I'M GOING BLIND, EVERYONE. PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE, ESPECIALLY THOSE FUCKFACES FROM REDDIT. IF THEY FIND OUT, CATEGORICALLY DENY IT."

- Speaking of Reddit, Curt Hawkins was seen asking people at indie shows what would make a good handle for the site after his primary account, TheMetsFan, was banned from the r/SquaredCircle subforum.

- Seth Rollins was fined $50,000 for referencing the term "time limit" on RAW Monday. Vince McMahon almost stripped him of the title on the spot, but cooler heads prevailed.

- In the wake of Moose jumping from Ring of Honor to Global Force Wrestling, ROH officials have asked Cheeseburger to add about 150-250 pounds of lean muscle between now and War of the Worlds.

- Lucha Underground's second season renewal has hit a snag because executive producer Robert Rodriguez keeps insisting that he wants full-frontal nudity and a lot more decapitations and limb severing for the next slate of shows.

- Sami Zayn's injury from Monday night was revealed to have happened during warmups, but don't let that stop you from blaming John Cena. I still am. FIRE JOHN CENA, RECKLESS WORKER.

- In other injury news, Alex Riley had su... ahhahaha, just kidding, no one cares about Alex Riley.

- Brian Stein yesterday Otonglo interest in Yu Qiao N Jones. If he was surprised when lbu Stan Jones erque Messenger and training, and said it is important: Do not. It is a sign of things of this nature waist Jones, and will soon see. If you have a car, a woman, and because the product is bad for others, such as lack of evidence, Stan Jones pay to change your life and change.

- Sandra the Seamstress has been let go by WWE, knocking the number of completely likable people in the company down to four: Daniel Bryan, Becky Lynch, Sami Zayn, and that foppish camera tech who works primarily on backstage segments for YouTube.

- Vince Russo claims Sami Zayn won't be a star because people don't gravitate to people who "just wrestle." Russo is right. No one will care about Zayn once it's revealed that Gene Snitsky has been cutting his promos for him all along. Push Snitsky.

- Last week's poll results were disintegrated by Boba Fett on May 4. This week: