Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 29

How tumescent did the NJPW action from last night make Horb? FIND OUT BELOW
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
HORB FLERBMINBER here, back to give you all the news nuggets, hot rumors, and baseless libel that you can cram into your mindholes again. You thought that I couldn't give you all the best reactions, analysis, and happenings in wrestling every week? THINK AGAIN, LOSER. That's right, I come with takes hotter than how Dave Meltzer feels looking at this week's cover for Sports Illustrated. I mine out the best scoops so often that other writers have taken to defaming my character. Have you heard the rumor started by Bruce Mitchell that I participate in the capybara smuggler's black market? DON'T BELIEVE THOSE LIES. It is in fact Zack Ryder who traffics the South American megarodents to supplement his pay.

I get all the scoops I can get my grubby hands upon, and it's always more than anyone else doing the reporting thing, but I can't do it all by myself. If you have any hot tips to send my way, e-mail them to me at Please don't look for any accreditation; all your valuable nuggets are used for the greater good of THE HORB. Also, if you want to get all the snarky quips, the latest gossip, and the breaking news stories, follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. Were you following me when I broke the news that Jillian Hall turned into the Baba Yaga and terrorized a small village in Tajikistan? IF YOU WEREN'T FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER, YOU SURE WEREN'T.

The printer I use to produce back issues of the newsletter has had its employees go on strike. Apparently, the ink the company uses contains a form of hydrogen sulfide that easily sublimates from the actual liquid ink. Oh boo-hoo, five workers have died recently. I've been working with a hangnail for the last five months. If I can overcome that, a little bit of noxious gas can't hurt. Wimps.

This week, the newsletter is sponsored by, wait, this can't be right. I would NEVER take money from Checkers. NEVER. I am a White Castle man all the way through. WHO READS COPY FOR ME ANYWAY?

Remember, water's black, send it back, water's brown, drink it down.

- WAR OF THE WORLDS NIGHT ONE REVIEW: I am still in my refractory period.

- Seriously, how great was that show last night? I don't know if I can go tonight, because it may kill me, but at least I will die with a smile on my face and all the blood my member can handle engorging it.

- Marry me, New Japan Pro Wrestling. I'm serious. Do it. Darren Rovell is currently fighting for people to marry brands as we speak. IT WILL ONLY BE A MATTER OF TIME.

- Dixie Carter has sent in a Tough Enough video, hoping the WWE contract she earns will be able to help her pay TNA wrestlers, production staff, and executives what they're owed.

- NXT has currently hit a rash of major wrestlers being eliminated from active competition in some way or another. In addition to Sami Zayn and Hideo Itami both hurting their shoulders, several other main event talents have been ruled out for next week's Takeover: Unstoppable. Kevin Owens placed on the injured list as a precaution because Vince McMahon thinks any amount of body fat will cause an increased risk of injury because the yellow humours start to act up. Tyler Breeze has convinced himself that he really is supermodel attractive and has quit to pursue a modeling career. Finn Bálor quit the company after War of the Worlds night one reminded him how much more fulfilling strong style is than this WWE trash. Uhaa Nation also resigned after receiving his 30th racial slur directed at him in 30 days of employment. Enzo Amore blew out his voice box, and Big Cass slipped on a banana peel. The current main event for Unstoppable will pit Triple H against Mojo Rawley in an ironman match for the vacant NXT Championship.

- Daniel Bryan vacated the Intercontinental Championship Monday night on RAW when not even WWE's quack doctors would clear him to wrestle.

- Floyd Mayweather, Jr. and Manny Pacquiao drew 4 million buys for their mammoth fist wrestling match from last Saturday. Vince McMahon has been in talks with Mayweather to appear again in hopes of recreating that huge buyrate, but balked when Mayweather only wished to challenge for the Divas Championship.

- The upcoming schedule of WWE pay-per-view events: May 17 - Payback, May 31 - Elimination Chamber, June 7 - Battlefield, June 14 - Money in the Bank, June 20 - Money in the Bank, only for like one of the jabroni titles, maybe we'll let the Divas compete in one? I dunno, June 27 - Wrestling Match, June 28 - Son of Wrestling Match, July 5 - Battlescars, July 9 - Weigh in for UFC 189: Aldo vs. McGregor, July 18 - Battleground

- Elimination Chamber was announced as a return as a Network-exclusive, but WWE has also successfully negotiated distribution on traditional PPV outlets. However, all of this was revealed as a giant rib on Renee Young for not wearing shoes.

- Bellator Ruth today at the 2016 Olympics, the world today is one of the most qualified college wrestler to play with him for a while to add Ruth MMA announced the sign after the visit Olympic movement, he said. The last World Cup in Chicago, Scott Coker Jon Jones and Greg Jackson's camp and the UFC can be expected to meet Ruth. Ruth Penn State, 2012, 2013, and won the 2014 NCAA title.

- Mad Men is ending this week, and the finale is going up against Payback. Sources say in commemoration of the landmark television series, Elisabeth Moss will get a pinfall victory over the Diva of her choosing as a Network exclusive after both shows have ended.

- Last week's poll has been kidnapped by ninjas. So has this week's poll. Are you a bad enough dude to save the Horb Polls?