Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 30

Austin back on the Network with the podcastin'
Photo Credit:
That's right you peons, HORB FLERBMINBER here and ready to give you all the wrestling information your feeble brains can handle. You think I'm being harsh? THEN YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM, just like Todd Martin when he not only ducked out on Dave Meltzer to join the Torch, but when he continually ducks my challenges for a knife fight on Eight Mile Road in Detroit. WHY ARE YOU SCARED, TODD? WHY? I post all the best news, the stuff you want, nay, need, nay, ARE REQUIRED TO SEE IN ORDER TO LIVE. My rumors always come true. YOU PEOPLE THINK /u/falconarrow AT r/SquaredCircle IS GOOD? FUCK YOU, HE'S BEEN DOING THIS FOR A INFINITESIMALLY FRACTIONAL TIME COMPARED TO ME. I AM AGELESS. I have EARNED the right to libel AND slander anyone I want because REASONS.

I get all the scoops that you can handle AND THEN SOME, but I can't get them by myself. I also refuse to share credit, and if you're okay with sending me all the info you have without receiving even an acknowledgement in private for your work, then you need to come be one of my tipsters. Send your hot hints and all pictures of shaven bears that you have to Additionally, if you want to get all the up-to-the-instant scoops your frail little heart can handle, follow me on Twitter @HorbFlerbminber. Remember the time I tweeted a picture of Goatse to Frank the WWE Clown and Noelle Foley threatened to flood all 12 of my compounds with Sarin? YOU DON'T IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN FOLLOWING ME.

If you're looking for back issues of the newsletter, you're in luck. I found an old Hydra compound in Northern Saskatchewan containing a bunker FILLED with old issues of Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ. In fact, they are in mint condition thanks to the bunker's elevated oxygen concentration and fleet of paper-restoring nanobots. However, the only issue that was found in that bunker was the September 15, 1983 issue. However, it was a good issue. I reported on all the major shows from that week, including the obscurely-publicized pit fighting show in Vince McMahon's Stamford basement where I swear I saw Tony Garea decapitate a drifter, Baron Mikel Scicluna and Salvatore Bellomo played catch using Sky Low Low as a ball, and Tito Santana described to me in great detail what was going to happen on September 11, 2001, only instead he thought it would happen on January 5, 1997. I didn't believe him because "One-Five" didn't roll off the tongue as fluidly as "Nine-Eleven." Oh, and one out of every 2,500 copies has been soaked in lysergic acid diethylamide. It's a trip. So if you want copies of that letter, then hey, I've got like 50,000 copies now. However, due to the terms of the release, you must pledge fealty to Hydra, Baron Zemo, and for some reason the disembodied liver of Fritz von Erich placed in a cybernetic capybara. I don't make these rules up, people.

This week, the newsletter is brought to you by the letter "B" and the number "28."

Also this week, I am pleased to announce that I am now a notary public. I received my certification in the mail yesterday, so if you need documents notarized, I'm your man. I charge a low, low price of 35 Bhutanese ngultrums, but if you try to pay me in ANY other currency, I will hunt you down and kill you. Anyway, my work is flawless, but don't take my word for it. Check out this testimonial from Saul Goode of Big Beaver, SK:
I sent important legal documents to Horb for notarization, and he only sent back 69 pages of screenshots of his Goatse tweet to Frank the WWE Clown. At first I was angry, but he sent the sex number of pages, and I really fucking hate that clown, so all in all, I was satisfied with my purchase, even if the lack of legal documents sent me to Canadian federal prison for 20 years.
Another satisfied customer.

Remember this but don't remember that.

- This week's biggest story is that Steve Austin has returned to the live podcasting junket on the WWE Network. Austin took a hiatus after rumored heat between him and Vince McMahon around WrestleMania, but sources say McMahon wanted him back after both his daughter Stephanie and John Cena complained that Chris Jericho wouldn't stop bugging them to come over his house to have a few wine coolers and play WiiU before, during, and after their appearances on his show.

- Samoa Joe has reportedly signed with NXT and will make his debut tonight at Takeover: Unstoppable. However, those reports have been refuted by him taking indie dates well into the summer, because it's not like NXT has Retained HIred workers oN a per-shOw basis this year. Not in the least.

- Impact Wrestling has been moved from Friday nights to Wednesday nights because Destination America has lost faith in it, and might opt out of its contract with the company in September. Things look bleak for TNA, so expect it to not only survive its contract, but for TNA Mecca to credit its move to Wednesdays as the reason why El Rey Network and Unimas didn't order a second season of Lucha Underground.

- Tamara Lynn Sytch reportedly will have an offer from Vivid Video in the neighborhood of six figures to become an adult film star, which is absolutely disgusting. How can someone do disgusting things with their bodies like that on camera for money? In unrelated news, WASN'T IT COOL TO SEE DOLPH ZIGGLER BLEED AT PAYBACK GUYS?

- Titus O'Neil won the Mega Dad of the Year Award. In response, WWE has changed his gear to cargo shorts, Izod polo shirts, and socks with sandals, and his signature bark has been replaced by a random zinger from the Dad Joke Handbook. His first scripted interaction is to be with Ryback. Ryback will say "I'm hungry," and O'Neil will reply "Hi Hungry, I'm Titus."

- Batista took to Twitter to bash WWE over its handling of O'Neil. He also blasted the PG direction of the company and pledged to support the Give Divas a Chance... oh shit, Batista's coming back to the company as an Internet smark character, isn't he? We've all been worked, guys. We've all. Been. Worked.

- For all those who watched Payback on WWE Network but didn't watch Ring of Honor/New Japan Pro Wrestling Global Wars on iPPV on Friday - HOW DARE YOU?

- Damien Sandow recently thanked Randy Savage for allowing him to parody the Hall of Famer recently. No one has the heart to tell Sandow that the person he asked permission of was actually the guy who played the Nacho Man in those Billionaire Ted sketches back in the early '90s and that Savage has now been dead for four years.

- The first scripts for Global Force Wrestling's television show have been leaked, and they center around Scott Steiner continually calling out Hulk Hogan, building towards a match between the two at the company's first pay-per-view event. However, due to Hogan's contractual status with WWE, Steiner's opponent will be the Huckster from those Billionaire Ted skits. No one has the heart to tell Steiner, mainly because no one wants Steiner to bludgeon them to death with a lead pipe.

- Wanderlei Silva vs. Athletic Commission Justice court Nevada Nevada State Committee in the case of two things. Not the right to check the Commission, and the United States imposed on Silva. It is difficult, as well as a curse and be the best $ 70,000 (Nevada as the number of test well before, but not linked to the elimination of the fair treatment of the first people allowed to live here, there is no specific law). Rational decision of the court of justice and the Silva news. On Friday, the future of the penalty for a violation of open space, Nevada. Silva performed the same level in the test drug and the first death. The lawyer of Silva, Ross the boss, which is the basis of the application of Nevada, seeking battle license for Silva, criticized the idea.

- Moose has re-signed with ROH, which means that his spot on GFW's roster will be taken by an actual moose.

- Tommy Dreamer worked two NXT house shows this past weekend, meaning he was the only TNA employee who got paid this week.

- INDIE NEWS: SHINE 27 took place Sunday, and Santana Garrett was inexplicably awarded three more belts, including the Inspire Pro XX-Division Championship.

- TNA announced it will return to the house show circuit this September in a literal sense, in that the company will hold shows at people's houses. It is booked for Eli Baruch's bar mitzvah on September 4, the Chandler family's backyard Labor Day barbecue on September 5, and as the lunch break entertainment for Elon Musk's employees on September 7 during their "company morale retreat" which will be held at Musk's factory and will involve his employees working. Rumors state that TNA employees will beg to pick up shifts there so they can actually eat.

- Adam Pearce was hired as a trainer and producer at the Performance Center, but his title of producer was stripped of him when he excitedly kept asking about whether he could book Seth Rollins in a two-year arc where he repeatedly jobbed in NXT Championship matches only to have him win right when he was about to ready to jump to the main roster. No one had the heart to... you know what, you know where I'm going with this one.

- Last week's poll was declared null and void by the Senegalese parliament. This week: