|IS DIXIE'S GOOSE COOKED?|
I've got so many scoops that it would make a normal man's head MELT. I AM ALWAYS HARD AT WORK mining the nuggets and rumors and baseless slander, but I can't get it all, not until I grow six more arms and become the DOCTOR OCTOPUS OF PRO WRESTLING NEWS. That's why I need YOUR HELP. You must send me all your tips via e-mail to ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com or else THE PUPPY gets it. Which puppy? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW. And hoo boy, if you ask for credit, I WILL NOT GIVE YOU THE ANTIDOTE. Wait, did I really type that? Uh, COMPUTER, USE STRIKETHROUGH. HEH HEH HEH. Anyway, you should also follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. Why? FUCK YOU, THAT'S... uh, I mean, because you can get all the UP TO THE MOMENT NEWZZZZZZZZ.
Okay, here's the deal on back newsletters. I have a shipment of newsletters, various assortments but unsorted, coming in on a freighter from Colombia. Yes, they are mostly being used as packing and camouflage for a shipment of pure, potent, uncut cocaine in conjunction with my business associates, but I have STRICT ORDERS to make sure those newsletters are untouched. And hey, you might get some free residue on them if you want to have a good time reading about news from the past. All I ask is that you send your payments in CASH to a dropbox I left at an undisclosed location in El Salvador. I will text you the location on my burner phone if you send me the right combination of numbers between the hours of 1300 and 1442, Eastern Daylight Time.
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Remember, if it's black send it back, but if it's brown, drink it down.
- The big news of the week is that Destination America has exercised its out clause on Impact Wrestling and will cancel the show in September. Ratings were reportedly good for the show, but they didn't justify the costs, which included a rider that Dixie Carter be paid in rare African tanzanite for every show and that she get a rickshaw drawn by endangered emus as transportation between her hotel and the taping site.
- In other finance news, Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy are the only ones who can afford shelter right now mainly because of their WWE residuals. Khoya has reportedly not eaten in weeks, and Bram's son, Tiny Tim, has reportedly developed a nasty cough.
- In response to the cancellation news, Dixie Carter sent an e-mail to her staff where she called Destination America officials "a bunch of SOBs" while accidentally copying the head of the network on said e-mail. She was shocked that the newspaper didn't report that Dixie Carter was still "number one" the next day, however. In response, the network went out and brought in ROH as a lead-in to TNA on Wednesday nights and will groom it as a possible replacement. Carter was seen leaving Discovery headquarters stomping her feet and shouting "IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAAAAIIRRRRRRR! I'M GONNA HOLD MY BREATH FOR SO LONG NOW."
- Samoa Joe debuted for NXT at Takeover: Unstoppable last Wednesday. He was originally supposed to come out wearing a thick moustache and wearing a towel with Kevin Owens' wife airbrushed on it in anticipation of him appearing on NXT and ROH television on the same night. The idea was nixed because then it would have opened up debates on whether Rick Rude belonged in the Hall of Fame or not.
- Joe's return to ROH television will see him teaming up with AJ Styles against Frankie Kazarian and Christopher Daniels. The scheduled match will take up the whole hour with a thrilling, satisfying finish at 8:59, spending the last minute of the show laughing and yelling "FUCK YOU, TNA" for a minute straight.
- Joe's contract has allowed him to work for any company he wants as long as he reports back to the Performance Center by 9 PM on school nights and 10 PM on weekends. If he wants to sleep over another promotion, he needs to get written permission from Triple H, unless it's New Japan, in which he needs written permission from both Trips AND Vince McMahon.
- Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett is over here in the corner shouting about more dates at baseball stadiums like that's anywhere on this level.
- Bellator the New Deal in the American military television network in the US, the men and women of the sea, and the air around the world to show us navy ship.
- Chris Jericho's social media accounts were hacked three times in the last four days by a group called the "Galvanize Mob." The group commented that they not only couldn't believe that Jericho's password originally was "ARMBAR," but that he never changed even after the first two hacks.
- Hulk Hogan is up for the lead villain role in Expendables 4, according to Hulk Hogan, Nick Hogan, Brooke Hogan, and El Hulko de Hogana.
- Sami Zayn is currently in Birmingham, AL either getting shoulder surgery from Dr. James Andrews or buying mass quantities of deer antler spray from Auburn University's special "hookup." I'm not sure which.
- Daniel Bryan will be on Miz TV on the Elimination Chamber pre-show in the latest attempt to get people to like The Miz.
- The Best of the Super Juniors tournament is in the process of taking place, and oh my god, it is so good that I don't even care about the news anymore. I JUST DON'T.
- Last week's poll results are in, and 45% think Dave Meltzer should be in charge of his own militia to take down TNA Mecca with force, 35% want Meltzer to have an EMP device to take out their servers, 17% think that he should be able to hold Dixie Carter in a gulag for an unspecified sentence, and 3% think the whole thing is overblown and have been BANNED from subscribing to my newsletter. This week: