Thursday, May 28, 2015

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 122

Rise, King James
Photo Credit: Lori Shepler/AP Photos
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers!

Absolutely not. I want to see the Cavaliers win the NBA Championship first and foremost for my buddies and readers in the Cleveland area who are long suffering and have been starving for a title. The second reason is to see the verbal gymnastics Miracle Whip Boys like Skip Bayless will perform to try and take every credit away from James for leading the team through a tough playoff slate despite the Assassination of Kevin Love by the Coward Kelly Olynyk and the Assassination of Kyrie Irving's Hamstring by the Coward Bad Luck. The truth is though that no matter how much people love rooting for the underdog, and believe me, I do too, something magic exists about watching the best players in their field dominate and win titles. The same was even true for Kobe Bryant, regardless of how much of a total chode he is. King James is a far more palatable option, and seeing the pissboys wet themselves is a damn fine bonus if you ask me.

Pica's Pizza is a local favorite joint that has huge cred in its home area but not anywhere else. The wrestler that most fits that mold for me is Fred Yehi. He's an amazing all-around pro wrestler, but much like Upper Darby has to defer most spotlight in the region to South Philadelphia, Yehi's home territory of Georgia gets overshadowed like whoa by even Florida and North Carolina, let alone Southern California, Chicagoland, and the Northeast. Still, while it takes a bit of work and perhaps a good word put in by someone in the know, getting into a guy like Yehi is eminently satisfying.

First thing's first, I will laugh if TNA's lawyers even try to serve Dave Meltzer with papers, and my spleen will burst from the laughing fit if a judge doesn't throw the subsequent suit out within 20 minutes for being frivolous. With that being said, TNA should sue the following people if I'm being glib here:

  • WWE for "stealing" the Claire Lynch angle from them with AJ Lee's love quadrilateral (no lie, I saw this accusation floated for real on a message board I used to frequent)
  • Sunglass Hut, for allowing the company's Knockout Champion to be seen on the sales floor rather than unloading stock like she SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING
  • AJ Styles, for outshining Kurt Angle and the rest of TNA when it was explicitly in his contract NOT to do so, even though his run in NJPW and ROH has been well after that contract was valid
  • Spike TV for being mean to them about Vince Russo
  • Transsexuals for daring to speak up when Vince Russo and Billy Corgan said "tough" things about them
  • Me, because I have a tag that says "Dixie Carter is the worst."
  • You because WHO WON'T DIXIE CARTER SUE? HUH?
And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Wait until you see the company's witness lists.

Can Vader do a moonsault?

MAIN EVENT: 1980s New Japan-variant Hulk "Ichiban" Hogan vs. Tomohiro Ishii - I wanted to throw all my money at myself for thinking of this match so yeah. Also, I'm insane, so don't imitate me, children. Or adults.
Mid-'70s Andre the Giant vs. Hall of Pain-era Mark Henry - Honestly, the only force in nature that would be formidable enough for that Henry variant would be Andre before his whole body gave out.
Classic Vader vs. Legally Blind AJPW, Post-Brody Stan Hansen - Has this match happened? Probably. Does that mean I wouldn't want to see it again 50 times? Absolutely not.
Brock Lesnar vs. Kevin Owens - If this contest isn't in WWE's plans before Lesnar retires to his life of mud huts and Jimmy John's in the Black Hills, then that fucking company deserves to be burnt to the ground, or at least allowed to be run by Dixie Carter (same thing).
Floyd Mayweather-era Big Show vs. the Road Warriors - For once, a handicap match that would be a fair fight. Also, I want to see three guys stiffing the shit out of each other for ten minutes. Is that too much to ask?
Bam Bam Bigelow vs. The War Beard Hanson - Amazing that this of all matches would be your goddamn spotfest.
Jock Samson vs. Dusty Rhodes - Two good ol' Southern fat guys armed with cowbells and lookin' to bleed like stuck pigs. I think I have your opener, by the by.

1. Emma - I would argue Emma is better than both Charlotte and Becky Lynch right now, and is a scosh below Bayley. She got a raw deal on the main roster, and she's showing how hard she can go in a completely different role right now. She's a special talent who gets overlooked because she didn't come up at the right time.
2. Jessie McKay - Another Aussie, McKay tore up SHIMMER while she was still in the indies. Even though she's only worked Floridian house shows for NXT, I imagine that her bona fides will take her up the mountain quicker than usual.
3. Alexa Bliss - This ranking comes with the caveat that I've never seen KC Cassidy work before, although I hear she's solid as hell. Bliss, however, came out of the chute already not bad for someone of her experience level. She could bump and sell, which is a great base to work from. Now that she's gotten to work more matches, she's showing some offensive prowess and could be the spot-machine that WWE women have ached for since Lita left the company. I see a lot of potential in her, and enough of it has been realized for her to nab this spot on the list.

I would need someone to help bury the body, right? Someone who wouldn't snitch on me, someone whom I could consider my best friend. That's right, I would call Buddy first:
HI! I PUTS THE LAUGHTER IN MANSLAUGHTER!
Photo Credit: TH
That idea is way, way, WAY too cool to have been dreamed up by Vince McMahon in real life rather than in the movies. Now, Mike Quackenbush would find a way to make it work (and so might the folks running Lucha Underground, oddly enough, although it might be a bit grittier than what you might find in that movie).

God, it's been forever since I've had Ovaltine, so I couldn't say. The real battle then is between Nesquik and Yoohoo. Nesquik is thicker and has that milk consistency, but while Yoohoo feels like chocolate water, it has a better flavor. Flip a coin and go with the bunny and his milky sweets, I guess.

Much in the same way NXT was all about Sami Zayn's mission of hope last year, the premium feeder for WWE seems to be centered around one person, Kevin Owens. Only instead of underdog ethos, the story being told is "How many people can Owens piss off and still remain intact?" It's a far different story than last year, but it's just as vital and has paid off emotionally, both with intended and unintended results. However, the pack is a bit tighter. He gets competition within NXT from Sasha Banks, in Lucha Underground from Mil Muertes and Prince Puma, in Beyond Wrestling from Kimber Lee and strangely enough, Chris Dickinson, and from a whole mess of places in Samoa Joe. It'll be interesting to see how the next seven months play out.

If you're just talking from an in-ring work standpoint, however? Sasha Banks is in the lead by a country mile, and everyone else is playing catch-up.

Mania's a long way off, but the decision would have to be made whether he'd take the United States Championship on a longer reign, or whether he'd rack up defenses in short order before dropping it to move onto bigger things. He's already a darkhorse candidate to win the 2016 Royal Rumble (although he doesn't possess nearly as good odds to win the match as fellow NXT limbo-jumper Kevin Owens right now), but I see him more in one of those multi-man "get everyone on the card" matches right now, which obviously could change. It won't be the Andre the Giant Battle Royale, and if it is, someone in management fucked up. Gun to head, I can see him getting everyone's favorite Mania gatekeeper, Randy Orton, in a marquee singles match, only instead of CM Punk and Seth Rollins, Bálor would have to win, especially if he brings out his WRESTLEMANIA DEMON for the occasion.
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