Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 36

Ziggler scoops this week?
Photo Credit:
HELLO ONCE AGAIN, loyal readers and haters. HORB FLERBMINBER here to deliver all the news your puny lizard brains can handle. I cram so much news into my report that I am being sued by every other news outlet, and not for libel this time either. ALL THOSE THINGS I SAID ABOUT DAVE SCHERER WERE TRUE, DAMMIT. My news reports end up in the SMITHSONIAN, mainly because I leave copies of my newsletters IN PROMINENT LOCATIONS. My newsletter is the ONLY PIECE OF NEWSPRINT that is located in the Spirit of St. Louis, and unlike the other guy who was in there, I'M NOT A NAZI SYMPATHIZER.

Of course, I am not omnipresent yet, although if HORB LABORATORIES is successful in developing its new HORB BILOCATOR technology, I WILL BE EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME. HORB WILL BE WATCHING, OH YES, HORB WILL BE WATCHING. But until that day, I need eyes and ears on the ground, preferably ones who don't care about things like credit. If you have tips for me, send them to And if you want all the breaking scoops as they happen, sometimes even BEFORE they happen, you need to follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. Remember the time I reported on the size of Batista's dick? Well, if you weren't following me on Twitter, then YOU WON'T.

If you would like to order back issues of the newsletter, well, have I got a deal for you. I have these magic beans, certified by the local Wizard's Guild. These beans are stupendous, incredible, unbelievable even. They will do great things for you, your family, your friends, and even your pets. Why, what would you expect to pay for such beans on the open market? Too much, that's what. But I will sell them to you for the low, low price of $19.95 for a dozen, plus shipping and handling. If you think that's too much, well, in the words of Eric Young, go fuck yourself. But they're not. These aren't garbanzos, kidneys, or even beans which are considered the musical fruit. These are magic fuckin' beans. Twenty bucks is a steal. If you buy these beans, then I will consider letting you also purchase a back issue of the newsletter. I said "consider."

This week, the blog has no sponsors. NONE. I have failed you as an audience. I will now hang my head in shame.

Remember. Remember.

- Mike Johnson of PW Insider reports that Dolph Ziggler has re-signed with WWE, agreeing to a multi-year extension that will keep him around until 2018.

- Retraction of the last item, Johnson's report was wrong. Ziggler apparently has not re-signed with WWE. Rather, Bram has re-signed with TNA for another five years, bringing his total sentence up to 140 years with no possibility of parole.

- Mike Johnson of PW Insider reports that WWE is in talks to absorb the WWN Live Network to use as its own indie breeding ground and that the deal is imminent.

- Retraction of the last item, WWE and WWN Live are not merging. The deal in place was for WWE to purchase the rights to evolution from the Pokémon franchise so that it can finally develop superstars from the Performance Center instead of plucking them from the indies.

- Mike Johnson of PW Insider reports that WWE has hired Tracy Keenan as the new Vice President and General Manager for the UK and Ireland.

- Retraction to the last item, apparently, WWE has actually named Keenan as the new Vice President of the United States after Joe Biden was impeached and booted out of office after being found face down in a puddle of vomit in the West Wing for the third time this month.

- Mike Johnson of PW Insider reports that Reebok now form was published was sponsored UFC fighters. Name Punk "Phillip Brooks," no phone because he did not take into account sales, Phillip Brooks immediately possible.

- Retraction to that last item, it wasn't Mike Johnson of PW Insider who reported that, but Dave Meltzer of the F4W Online.

- Mike Johnson of PW Insider reports that Northeast Wrestling will present the Young Bucks vs. Alberto el Patron and Rey Mysterio at its Wrestling Under the Stars event in Fishkill, NY on August 1.

- Retraction to that last item, as it turns out, the event is actually an exhibition basketball game between the Milwaukee Bucks and the Mexican National Team.

- Mike Johnson of PW Insider reports that John Cena was nominated for Sports Humanitarian of the Year by ESPN, along with Henrik Lundqvist, Tamika Catchings, and Anquan Boldin.

- Retraction to that last item, while Cena is nominated for the award, his competition is actually Mike Rotch, Mike Hawk, and Mike Hunt.

- Mike Johnson of PW Insider reports that the Blue World Order will reunite for Chikara's King of Trios event.

- Retraction to that last item, the bWo contingent is actually the Bullet Club team of the Young Bucks and AJ Styles wearing different colored gear and pulling double duty.

- Mike  Johnson of PW Insider reports that Dolph Ziggler, Ryback, and R-Truth came out and made the save for Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose after RAW went off the air on Monday.

- Retraction to that last item, no one actually came down to make a save. R-Truth just danced to the ring before Seth Rollins and the Authority beat him up because hey, no one can get heat on the fuckin' roster except for Rollins, right?

- Mike Johnson of PW Insider reports that pee is stored in the balls.

- Retraction to that last item, pee actually is stored in the bladder after being processed by the kidneys and transported through the ureter. The testes actually have no function in the removal of urine, which is what makes the punchline to the joke about the three engineers wondering what kind of engineer God was so gosh darn funny.

- Mike Johnson of PW Insider reports that last week's poll results were lost in the mail.

- Retraction to that last item, I didn't run a poll last week because you're all naughty, naughty children. This week's poll: