Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 38

What was the deal with el Patron this weekend? HORB'S GOT YOUR ANSWERS
Photo Credit:
HORB FLERBMINBER is back again to dish all the scoops that Mike Johnson is afraid to get right. THAT'S RIGHT MIKEY BOY, I'M GUNNING FOR YOU AGAIN. I make it RAIN SCOOPS like Ric Flair makes it rain in the club every time he's fresh from an appearance with WWE. Dave Meltzer wishes he was me. All the groupies at WaleMania wish they were with me. I am THE GOLDEN GOD OF NEWS. I'm the man who reported first that John Cena was secretly filming Daniel Bryan jacking off into a cup on Total Divas. WHO CARES IF I GOT SLAPPED WITH A LIBEL SUIT, it didn't stick.

Now, I bring everyone scoops like Santa Claus brings naughty children lumps of coal, but just like Santa makes his elves slave hard in the mines, I too need help from minions, lowercase M here, I don't want any problems from Dreamworks again, to mine me all the scoops I need. If you want to send me all the info you have but don't need credit, send them to If you need the credit, fuck you. I don't give credit to anyone, not even me! THESE SCOOPS PRODUCE THEMSELVES. But seriously, credit me for everything, even stuff that other people report. EXCEPT BRIAN WILLIAMS. Anyway, if you want all the up-to-the-instant news updates, you need to follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. As a bonus, you'll also get all my DM transcripts between myself and various porn stars. Do you want to see what kind of slurs Lisa Ann has called me? FOLLOW OL' HORB TO FIND OUT.

If you want to get any back issues of the newsletter, you gotta get with my friends. Make it last forever; friendship never ends. If you want to get any back issues of the newsletter, you have got to give. Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.

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Remember, wherever you go, there you are.

- Alberto el Patron no-showed an autism charity event in Pasadena, TX Sunday night, and was unable to be reached by anyone close to him until late Monday afternoon. When asked for an explanation, el Patron said that the reasoning and warning for his disappearance was all laid out on his Friendster page, and he didn't know why no one knew.

- Sales of Depends adult diapers went up 200% among wrestling Twitter users who soiled themselves something fierce after el Patron explained his absence was due to personal reasons.

- Meanwhile, TNA is still trying to sell el Patron and Rey Mysterio on joining TNA by leaving at least one voicemail on their phones a day saying "C'maaaaahn. C'MAAAAAAAAAHN."

- Becky Lynch, Charlotte, and Sasha Banks finally debuted on RAW after weeks of being teased on the Internet. They were given an extended segment to debut, and their "takeover" was discussed into the next segment as well. With this move, WWE has effectively ended misogyny in wrestling. Good job, everyone.

- WWE fired longtime employee and now-former Executive Vice President of Content Lisa Fox Lee. Her termination letter read, "Well, we can't fire Vince [McMahon], so sorry, you have to go. You can pick up your severance fruit basket at the front desk."

- USA Network internally believes that wrestling's popularity is cycling downward. In response, McMahon rehired Lisa Fox Lee just so he could fire her again.

- New Japan World is free this week, and so help me god, if you don't try it out and then sign up for a 20 year deal, I will hunt you down and piss on your face.

- Global Force Wrestling has announced that its flagship television show will be called Amped, at least until TNA folds and Jeff Jarrett can legally use "Impact" as its real title.

- Dolph Ziggler has reportedly signed a deal with WWE, raising the ire of TNA. Company officials think WWE is blatantly ripping off its strategy of announcing multiple signings of the same wrestler over a short period of time. TNA is expected to fire back by having Bram bleach his hair and wiggle his butt while on top of the stage.

- Leva "Blue Pants" Bates was interviewed for Rolling Stone, whose journalistic integrity took a hit when it didn't ask her why she continues to try getting signed with WWE when she's 32, can't work, and is generally a mark.

- COMBAT ZONE WRESTLING RESULTS: CZW set wrestling back another two years, and this time not because it pulled a stunt that nearly got someone killed.

- Gavin Ward STERRITT pulled out of the fight and was cut off from the supply that is scheduled to face Bellator Mohegan Sun Casino in Brennan, on Friday. 16-11, who have a record of Roger Carroll, will be replaced. As the game begins play Sean Grande Bellator this exhibition -by-.

- Tammy Sytch was arrested for a DUI in May of this year. The news took so long to be reported because Mike Johnson originally reported it back when it happened, but no one believed him.

- Big Show was asked about Doink the Clown's family suing WWE, and his answer was "What the fuck do I care?" before taking another hit off his vape pen and storming off.

- John Cena signed a merchandising deal with JC Penney. He marked the new endorsement contract by giving an entire K-Mart store an Attitude Adjustment through a table.

- Noelle Foley chatted with Charlotte and Kevin Owens. Meanwhile, Frank the WWE Clown tweeted angrily that only Foley got to talk to the NXT superstars because they didn't want to associate with an utter dickbag like him.

- Last week's poll results are in, and 65% of you think Conor McGregor's birthday should be a world holiday, 22% of you think it should be an Irish and American holiday only, and 13% of you think I'm on drugs. This week's poll: