Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog; Issue 39

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Hello once again, HORB fans. Good ol' Mr. FLERBMINBER has returned once again to give you all the news your feeble minds and bodies can handle. I give you so many scoops that the Surgeon General has warned against reading my newsletter. Well, that and because I use asbestos fibers in the paper to keep it from burning, but NO ONE ASKED YOU. I bring the thunder like Thor, and I have a bigger hammer than he does too. MY MEMBER IS 16 INCHES; FUCK YOU VIRGIL. People fear me and revere me. I AM THE GOLDEN GOD OF NEWS. Dave Meltzer WISHES he got current insights like I do. I'M THAT DAMN GOOD. FUCK YOU, TRIPLE H.

Of course, I can't do all this by myself, no matter how hard I try. I have doctors working on cloning me, lawyers poring over codes to discern the legality, and engineers building me machines so that my cloning can happen QUICK AS A HICCUP. But until then, I have to rely on my network of anonymous tipsters, emphasis on anonymous. If you want to help me out, and you don't care if I give you zero credit for any of your tips, then e-mail me at Also, if you want the up to the moment news and scoops, then you need to follow me @HorbFlerbminber. If you don't, THEN I WILL KILL ALL THE RHINOS IN AFRICA. Uh, I mean, then it's your loss. Yeah, that's the ticket.

If you want back issues of the newsletter, then you must, and I repeat MUST, repent of all your sins. The only way this is possible is if you send all your earthly possessions to Creflo Dollar. That includes your jewelry, cars, expensive electronics, and money. Then, you must shave your head and wear nothing but sackcloth and Crocs. NO OFF BRAND SHOES EITHER, THEY MUST BE CROCS. Then, once you've repented in the eyes of the Lord, then, and only then, will you be able to purchase back issues of my newsletter. Of course, you won't have any money to buy them, so the whole exercise is moot anyway. Sorry, but you're all shit out of luck, sinners.

This week, the newsletter is sponsored by Crocs footwear. Yeah, I know, I'm shameless. Get over it.

I'm also proud to announce the launch of my new cellphone service, HORB WIRELESS. Are you tired of dropped calls, roaming charges, and wild crocodiles snatching your phone out of your hand? Then Horb Wireless is for you, friend. For the low, low price of $4,800 a year (do the math, jerks), you'll get 30 free minutes just for signing up. That's almost 35 minutes! Plus, you'll get 3,000 yoctobytes of data per month, and I'll throw in crocodile insurance on your phone absolutely free*! Why take my word for it, when you can hear a testimonial from Sam Ureyedriva from Gravity Falls, OR:
I bought the crocodile insurance, but then an alligator stole my phone. They said there's a distinct difference between the two, so I didn't get my money back.
Another satisfied customer.

* - Service charge of $0.99 a month following for insurance.

Remember, leaves of three, let it be. Leaves of four, eat some more.

- Jushin "Thunder" Liger was announced this past Thursday for the next NXT Takeover special happening the night before SummerSlam at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, NY. The move came as a shock since Ring of Honor has a working relationship with New Japan Pro Wrestling, of which Liger is an employee. The deal was made after Triple H and Vince McMahon took turns texting "Fuck ROH, let us book [Hiroshi] Tanahashi" along with pictures of their genitals. After the 101st text, NJPW President Kename Tezuka and bookers Jado and Gedo replied back "If we give you Liger, will you stop texting us your dicks?"

- The Takeover event sold over 10,000 tickets within 15 minutes of going on sale Saturday. In other news, people are still adamant that NXT is a developmental territory.

- WWE is currently mad at ROH for getting on national cable television opposite of NXT, starting the trend of wrestling promotions setting up shop during WrestleMania weekend in the host city, and having talent sign possibly illegal licensing deals that allow the company to produce action figures well after they leave, as was the case with Kevin Steen. WWE has responded by attempting to squeeze ROH out of its home arenas and scheduling NXT dates directly opposite to ROH tour dates in the same cities. When asked about its tactics, McMahon said "LISTEN, THOSE FUCKERS ARE INFRINGING ON MY PRACTICES OF SHADILY TRYING TO MUSCLE IN ON SOMEONE ELSE'S TERRITORY. NO ONE STEALS MY BAG AND GETS AWAY WITH IT. NO ONE, YOU HEAR?"

- Undertaker returned to WWE at Battleground to set up a feud with Brock Lesnar. Sources say the only reason he came back is that working a couple of matches is the only way he could have paid for his upcoming prostate exam and colonoscopy.

- Taker will also partake in the WWE's next tour of Mexico, stating that the hot Mexican sun feels good on his wrinkled, lizard skin.

-  McMahon has reportedly decided on Undertaker's opponent at WrestleMania 32, and it's, you guessed it, Frank Stallone.

- Sting is also scheduled to wrestle at SummerSlam alongside Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose. However, WWE is holding off on the announcement until it can find SWAT gear that will fit the Icon's unique frame.

- The reason why Kevin Owens tapped out to John Cena at Battleground and was deprogrammed from the United States Champion is because Kevin Dunn doesn't like anyone he feels is uglier than him doing well in the company.

- BREAKING NEWS: Kevin Dunn is the only person in the world that can make Jim Cornette seem like a sympathetic figure. He's also the only person in the world that could make Owens a sympathetic figure to Cornette.

- Gawker Media has recently come under fire for outing the head of the Conde Nast Reader as a homosexual against his wishes. Hulk Hogan took advantage of the distraction and hit the conglomerate with the big boot and the leg drop, and is expected to win his lawsuit against the agency for leaking his sex tape with Bubba the Love Sponge's wife.

- AAA has announced TripleMania will be available on pay-per-view in the United States, giving everyone a chance to pretend they know about lucha for a couple of days before going back to flipping their shit over WWE again.

- ROH sent out a cease and desist letter to Global Force Wrestling for advertising ROH-contracted talent for its first set of television tapings, which take place on the same day as the ROH pay-per-view event, Death Before Dishonor XIII. The letter states, "C'mon, WWE is really bending us over the barrel. Can you guys just let up until we get some relief over here?"

- TNA has announced that is changing all contracts in the company. Instead of guaranteed monthly contracts, talent will switch to a "tipped worker" wage of $5.03 an hour in Florida. They will also put out tip cups into the stands in order to supplement their pay.

- Stephanie McMahon recently stated that WWE could see a "gay character" coming soon and that Darren Young, although gay in real life, is not currently playing one on TV. McMahon stated, "No, if we did a gay character,  he'd be FLAAAAAMING. That's how brands win."

- Daniel Bryan's new book, YES! My Improbable Journey to the Main Event of WrestleMania, has hit newsstands, bookstores, and mobile readers this week. Bryan requested time on WWE programming to help plug the book, but WWE responded by scheduling looped footage of Batista from the SPECTRE trailer.

- Sunny recently remarked that Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch were "buttafaces." She then remarked that her status as "most downloaded woman of 1996" was intact.

- A plane containing Sheamus had to make an emergency landing today in Colorado due to an emergency medical issue. While most news outlets will NOT bring you this news due to HIPAA, I can confirm that the issue was due to a passenger being blinded as the sun brightened Sheamus' skin to unbearably bright levels of glare.

- Wade Barrett, on who his next target will be: "Zack Ryder. Please, let me feud with Zack Ryder. I'm tired of jobbing. PLEEEASE."

- Sami Zayn giving an update on his injury: "Hey, my arm is hanging by two nerves and a tendon now, which is an improvement over the half-a-tendon it was a month ago. Progress!"

- TNA has announced that Bound for Glory will take place in Charlotte, NC in October, and that the company is trying to book Ric Flair's garage for the event. If not, it will have to take place in the Bojangles parking lot on 1407 E. 3rd Street. Dixie Carter knows the assistant manager, and she thinks he can hook her up with some prime space next to the drive-thru.

- TMP, credit has served a day in the drunk driving charges in September, because Nick Diaz jailed for two days. He will also be up to three years' probation and driving under the influence of informal education.

- John Cena appears in the new Amy Schumer-starring vehicle Trainwreck, which oddly enough is not a documentary of his 2010 feud with the Nexus.

- Last week's poll results are in, and well, I can't reprint them because they violate several local obscenity laws, and I am NOT going to jail again. No way, no sir. This week's poll: