Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 40

Hogan won't be getting this treatment from WWE anytime soon. HORB HAS THIS AND MORE SCOOPS BELOW
Photo Credit;
Well, well, well, look who came crawling back to the SCOOPS this week. It's you, because you cannot RESIST the urge to read EVERYTHING that ol' HORB FLERBMINBER has brought to your consciousness, can you? CAN YOU? NO, YOU CAN'T. I am THE KING OF KINGS OF WRESTLING NEWS. No one can touch me; I'm even more untouchable than HAMMER at this point. YOU HEAR ME, BRUCE MITCHELL? I am the man who first brought you the news that Meek Mill accused Scott Steiner of ghostwriting Drake's raps. I was the first one to let you know that Donald Trump was considering Kevin Owens as a running mate until he realized Owens' Canadian citizenship disqualified him from holding office. AND I'M THE FIRST PERSON TO LET YOU KNOW WHEN VINCE MCMAHON DOES NUMBER TWO, WHICH IS USUALLY WHEN HE GETS HIS IMPORTANT BOOKING IDEAS.

Of course, I can't do all this by myself. I am an intrepid miner of news nuggets, but I can't be everywhere. I need help from my army of tipsters who certainly haven't had bombs planted in their eyes by me and are certainly NOT working under fear of murder if they don't mine enough tips for me. That's the plot for the Suicide Squad movie, and if anything, you guys know Ol' Horb respects trademarks and copyrights. Anyway, if you want in on the mining but don't have a big enough ego that you require credit, send all your newsy bits to me at And if you want the up to the second news, then you need to follow my Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. If you don't follow me, then really, why are you even on Twitter? WHY?

If you need to get any back issues of the newsletter, then you have to take part in a special challenge. You need to get your hotel magnate father to set up a block of 24 weeks wherein you take two weeks apiece to complete a single grade in school, from first grade all the way up to your senior year of high school. If you should fail at doing this, but you can prove that one of your father's executives sabotaged you along the way, you will be able to challenge him in an academic decathlon. Should you complete this task successfully, you will be allowed to order any back issue of the newsletter you choose except for the May 23, 1985 issue. In order to get that issue, you will have to make sure the O'Doyle family dies in a horrific car crash wherein their station wagon is caused to go off a steep cliff after slipping on a banana peel thrown onto the road by Chris Farley.

This week, the newsletter is sponsored by Duff Beer. Brewed according to the highest standards, Duff is the favorite alcoholic beverage of the fine citizens of Springfield, Shelbyville, and Capital City in the fine state of ███████. It comes in several different varieties, including Duff, Duff Light, Duff Dry, Raspberry Duff, Tartar Control Duff, Canadian Duff, Düff, Duff Adequate, Canadian Duff, Duff Stout, Duff Champagne, and my personal favorite, Lady Duff. If none of those options tickle you, you can even add rainbow colored candies to your Duff for the magical invention known as Skittlebräu. Duff's corporate mascot, Duffman, is even available for parties, bar mitzvahs, legal proceedings, and boat outings for completion of your community service. Drink Duff today!

Also, I have begun dabbling in the paranormal arts as a veritable buster of ghosts. Are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night? Do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or attic? Have you or any of your family ever seen a spook, specter, or ghost? If the answer is yes, then don't wait another minute. Pick up your phone and call the professionals, Horb's Haunting Halters! Are you  not convinced by my wonderful advertisement? Check this advertisement from Dana Barrett in Manhattan, New York City, NY:
He's basically repeating verbatim the script from Ghostbusters. Haven't you fuckers figured that out by now?
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Remember, I own you. I OWN YOU.

- A racial tirade from Hulk Hogan on his leaked sex tape with Heather Clem was leaked by the National Enquirer this past week, where he used the n-word several times and claimed out and out that he was indeed a racist. However, just because Hogan said on tape clear as day that he is a racist doesn't mean that he is indeed a racist. Everyone needs to stop, because you gotta hear both sides.

- The staff at the Enquirer had a huge celebration at its offices on Friday, as this was the first legitimate news story it has ever broken. One staffer claimed that he can finally stop claiming his best news report was the one where he measured Bigfoot's dick.

- In the wake of the tirade, WWE has cut all ties with Hogan. He has been removed completely from the website. He has been removed as general manager from the upcoming tour of Australia. His position as judge on Tough Enough as been replaced by The Miz. His bust that has been created for the proposed brick and mortar WWE Hall of Fame building has been melted down and turned into a third Tag Team Championship belt for when New Day wins them again in the future. His likeness has been removed from the target on the WWE Dunk Tank at Titan Towers and modified so that it looks like Superstar Billy Graham. All Hulk Hogan-related sex toys have been removed from the WWE Shop, XXX Division. History has been retconned so that now Vince McMahon is the one who bodyslammed Andre the Giant at WrestleMania III.

- Everyone who is claiming that WWE has no right to have such an extreme reaction to Hogan because of its own racist past needs to realize that these situations are totally different, and no one, and I mean no one can compare the two at all. NO ONE. NO DISCUSSIONS TO BE HAD, EVER.

- Brooke Hogan has written a poem in defense of her father, and I have the exclusive transcript:
There once was my dad named Hulk
Who buys Jet Magazine in bulk
He has lots of black friends
Each one him defends
Uh, his favorite Smash Bros. character is Shulk
- Virgil commented on Hogan's tirade by saying "Hogan's okay with me, mainly because he acknowledges that his dick ain't 14 inches long like mine is."

- Other African-American wrestlers have been less than kind to the Hulkster. Mark Henry has said off the record to Horb in confidence, and I quote, "If I ever see Hogan walkin' down the street, I'm gonna eat him in two bites, poop him out, and fling that poop at the next Republican Presidential Primary debate." That statement is totally OFF THE RECORD, so if you share it, be forewarned.

- Jim Ross gave some advice to Hulk Hogan, "Now listen, I say listen here boy. You shoulda been more subtle with your racism, like me. Can't be, I say, can't be too obvious with it. Sauce it."

- Also in the video, Hogan was caught using a homophobic slur, but WWE opted not to make a big deal out of that because then it would have to rename the Warrior Award and take the Ultimate Warrior out of the Hall of Fame, and it only has time for one full redaction in a calendar year.

- In other news, Shinsuke Nakamura has an elbow that could keep him out of action in this year's G1 Climax Tournament. While Nakamura is a billion times better than your favorite non-New Japan wrestler, his loss won't be as hard since everyone else in the tournament is so angelically perfect. I mean, have you seen Tetsuya Naito's stunningly brilliant heel work? You haven't? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, FILTHY MAGGOT. OUT.

- In other injury news, Toru Yano got busted open on a headbutt gone awry and required ten stitches to close the wound. HE finished the match because he was a true warrior. Then, the next night on RAW, John Cena proved to the world that he's a sick, cowardly troll by deigning to injure himself just to copy Yano and attempt to imitate strong style. Pfft, fuck John Cena. There, I said it. He's not a quarter of the big match performer that even Jay White, YOSHI-HASHI, or even Captain New Japan are. SICK FRAUD.

- WWE has backed out of using Sting at SummerSlam, because Vince McMahon thinks the online outrage over a Dean Ambrose/Big Show program would be worth way more in personal enjoyment than the filthy, WCW-fan money he'd receive by having Sting on the show as a third member of The Shield.

- Ring of Honor has lost its 8 PM Wednesday night timeslot. Many people suspect that WWE is behind the move, especially since it was written in Triple H's Secret Diary to Fuck over Ring of Honor, which also includes repossessing the company's ring, confining it to arenas whose concessions contracts are with Aramark or worse, and convincing Sinclair Broadcasting Group officials that hiring Vince Russo to the company's creative department would be a welcome kick in the butt.

- Roderick Strong has re-signed with ROH after seeing Triple H's Secret Diary to Fuck over Ring of Honor and found out that WWE was only interested in signing him out of "spite" and that plans for him in NXT were to be named "Jerry Dicknose" be used as repeated enhancement talent for Baron Corbin.

- In unrelated news, Triple H's Secret Diary to Fuck over Ring of Honor will be released to the public on Tuesday, August 18. Pre-orders suggest that it will be the highest selling WWE book yet.

- At the TNA tapings, Eric Young defeated Chris Melendez for possession of the latter's prosthetic leg. That's it. I can't make a joke out of that. TNA writes its own humor nowadays.

- MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas at 191 9/5 for MUFC presale Friday, demetrious Johnson vs. John Dodson January against Anthony Johnson vs. Alex Chambers letters Vanzant roll Blachowicz and Paige. Tickets $ 103 and $ 78 603 $ 403 $ 303 $ 203 Fixed fight city 10:00 Pacific time on Wednesday before the sale starts and magazines only pre-sale will start on Thursday at 13:00 Pacific Time

- LeBron James revealed his favorite wrestlers yesterday on a Twitter chat. "Well, my first favorite wrestler was Ric Flair, but then sometime around June of 1989, it was Sting for a little bit. Then it went back to Flair. I thought it might have been Tatsumi Fujinami for a little bit, but that feeling has turned out not to be recognized in the long run. After Flair, it was Masahiro Chono, but then quickly the Great Muta, then Barry Windham, and then Ric Flair again, and then it was Sting again before reverting to Vader, and then Flair once again..." He kept going and going.

- Shawn Michaels was offered a role in the WWE Films project The Resurrection of Gavin Stone, but turned it down when he found out Gavin Stone wasn't an alias for Jesus.

- Last week's poll results are in, and in a rare unanimous result, 100% of you agreed that New Japan Pro Wrestling legend and icon Shinya Hashimoto never would have made such disgusting racial remarks, thus proving once and for all that not only is NJPW superior to WWE in execution of strong-style and booking, but also in basic humanity. This week's poll: