Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 42

How long did it take Cena's nose to heal? HORB HAS THE ANSWER
Photo Credit:
AHOY there, HORB FLERBMINBER is back to make with all the newsiest news that EVER NEWSED. YES, NEWS IS NOW A VERB. I HATH SPAKE. I am the most prodigious miner of news nuggets in the known Universe. I'm willing to bet that some alien somewhere in an undiscovered galaxy can get news like I can, but at this point, I AM THE KING. Dave Meltzer, Zorblax of Crab Nebula, and Rajah ALL COWER AT MY FEET. I am the one who broke news that Hulk Hogan is working on an anti-racism pill so that he can get back into WWE. I am the one who made waves with my exclusive interview with Pedro Morales where he admitted Bruno Sammartino drank the blood of orphans to remain strong. I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS, FUCK YOU WALTER WHITE.

Of course, I can't do all of this news-mining by myself. I can gather the scoops with GREAT EFFICACY, but I do need help to mine the darkest, deepest corners of the world where even THE GREAT AND POWERFUL HORB fears to tread. If you have tips, and if you aren't one of those pricks who thinks you should get credit, e-mail me at And if you want up-to-the-YOCTOSECOND scoops, then you need to follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. If you don't follow me, you'll never know which SummerSlam participant failed a drug test for mescaline because I happened to spike their urine sample with it out of spite. NEVER.

If you want back issues of the newsletter, you'll have to wait until I think of a new, zany scheme to get you on a goose chase to find them. I tried sending a whole stack to Deepest, Darkest Africa, but even referring to it as that is apparently racist nowadays. Also, all the places I wanted to send them to were either protected wildlife areas, bustling metropolises, or teeming with warlords. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT EASTERN SOMALIA WAS A DANGEROUS AREA? So hold your horses.

This week, the newsletter is sponsored by Jack Linden, who is my AA sponsor. That's right, Ol' Horb has fallen off the wagon. So please stop sending me handles of Jack Daniels as payment for my scoops.

Remember the combination, 1-2-3-4-5.

- John Cena has been cleared for SummerSlam after Seth Rollins broke his nose with an errant knee to the face. As it turns out, Cena healed his nose through willpower shortly after the break, but he wanted to keep up some semblance of recovery time.

- Ronda Rousey was asked whether she'd go to work for WWE after she retired from MMA. Before she answered, she had to rip the chip in her neck out implanted by Dana White in all his fighters that make them say "WRESTLING'S FAKE, BRAH, WATCH HOW MUCH I CAN BENCH, HOO!"

- CM Punk again mentioned how fake and icky wrestling was in an interview as if Philip Brooks was ever going to get a UFC contract with this much hype without a wrestling career.

- Roman Reigns was stricken by a homemade Money in the Bank briefcase in Victoria, BC over the weekend. The case didn't physically hurt him too much, but Reigns came out of the incident with hurt feelings that he once again was passed over for a WWE Championship opportunity.

- WWE is considering adding Divas Tag Team Championships, but the holdup is allegedly due to the design. One group wants the belts to be shaped like cupcakes, another wants them to be shaped ponies, while Kevin Dunn wants them to be shaped like the stripper silhouette on those trucker mudflaps.

- George Lockhart, internet 12/05 hours £ 135, currently food, Cyborg Chris possible. Then I heard its first guests on December 5 and shows great potential to winter MUFC.

- Tomoaki Honma has won his first G-1 Climax match, and yeah, I also climaxed.

- Brad Maddox returned to the ring with a new name during a dark match at the Smackdown tapings. His name is reported to be Bruno Sammartino.

- Adam Rose teased coming back as Leo Kruger on Twitter. Vince McMahon was livid, as it's against company policy to try and get yourself over. When he found out, he was quoted as saying "WHAT? I'LL MAKE HIM WORK IN THE SALT MINES WITH ZACK RYDER."

- Randy Orton made a crack about Kevin Owens' weight on RAW Monday night. Sources first thought it was Kevin Dunn being petty again, but it turns out it was all a rib on Renee Young for wearing shoes.

- Last week's poll results are in, and hoo boy, they're not good. Apparently, you all have the black lung. This week: