Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 43

Photo Credit:
HEY. YOU. OVER THERE. YES. YOU. COME HERE AND READ MY SCOOPS. THAT'S RIGHT, HORB FLERBMINBER has returned, and yes, he's back to give you, YES YOU, all the news your feeble brains and livers can handle. THAT'S RIGHT, MY NEWS CAN BE PROCESSED BY OTHER ORGANS. How else do you think the blind can read my newsletter? THEY GET IT THROUGH DIALYSIS. I am a MIRACLE of science. DO YOU HEAR ME. No one can touch me, not even people who can touch Hammer. I am the one who told you before it was going to happen that Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar would have a live sex celebration on RAW. I told you that Nick Gage became immortal from an arcane blood ritual. I TOLD YOU DAVE MELTZER's SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER. Why would you start doubting me now?

I am the bringer of both light and information into your FEEBLE LIVES, but I cannot do this task alone. You see, while I can gather large swaths of information in my jowls, arms, and pancreas, the amount of news out there in the wild is so vast that I need an ARMY OF HELPERS. Won't you join the HORB TIPSTER ARMY? You'll have to give up your name and all semblance of wanting credit for your actions, but it'll be worth it! I'll feed you the best suet FROM MY MOUTH AFTER I'VE CHEWED IT SO YOUR FRAGILE DIGESTIVE SYSTEMS CAN HANDLE IT. Just send me all the tips you know, including ones that may not even be true, to And if you want all the up-to-the-minute news to cram into your caw, then you have to follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. If you don't, people will die. In fact, if you do, people will die. In fact, 106 people die every minute or so. You can't stop the slow crawl towards oblivion.

If you would like to have a back issue of the newsletter, and I mean, if you really want to, if it's special to you, and you can't live without it, then well, you're in luck. Because I am running a special on back newsletters for people who need it to live. I mean, I'm talking about people who are wishing upon STARS, and I don't mean the ones Meltzer gives out willy-nilly to New Japan Pro Wrestling young lions tag matches. If you really desire having one or more of my back newsletters, then what you need to do is think about a back issue of the newsletter, like, really envision it in your heart and in your mind. And then, when you can see it and feel the pages in your hands, then send me a check for $49.95 and the issue that you want to have in your possession. AHAHAHA, you marks didn't think I was going to GIVE you a fuckin' newsletter, did you? You gotta pay up. I'm not in the business of charity.

This week, I have a special request to ask of you. My great-great-grandfather's best friend, who came all the way from Norway to receive medical treatment, is in dire need of a new codpiece. His penis bleeds profusely unless it has a pure selenium codpiece pressing against it. It's a rare condition called Wonkego's Disease, and it has no cure, only treatment. Please, I beg of you, give charitably to the following address in order so that I can buy a new codpiece for this poor old man:
Horb Fler... uh, I mean the Wonkego Disease Foundation
1 Alaska's Gold Access Road
Nome, AK 99762
Any amount of money you can give is a blessing to God, but if you're planning on giving less than $50, then get the fuck outta my face you cheapskate. I need money to gamb... I mean, my poor friend needs his codpiece.

This week, the newsletter is brought to you by the Dark Lord Satan. Do you need a payday advance? Are you interested in getting that comely lass across the hall or the hunky dreamboat you see at the supermarket every Sunday as your significant other? Is someone bugging you to the point that you wish they were dead or at least had a really nasty boil on their genitals? Well, you can get exactly what you want by selling your soul to Satan. Look folks, I wouldn't be endorsing this product if I didn't believe in it. I have sold my soul, dignity, decency, AND conscience to Satan, and each time, I have hit the jackpot. I am happier than I ever have been, and you will be too. Sell your soul to Satan today to get what you want out of life.

Remember, an elephant never forgets.

- Jonathan Coachman revealed that he will be covering SummerSlam for ESPN. Additionally, the Worldwide Leader also announced that Paul Heyman will be taking over for the departing Colin Cowherd, Joey Styles will take over Grantland, and Ring of Honor will be regarded as way, way worse than the National Hockey League.

- Jon Stewart was also announced as hosting SummerSlam. However, HORB has learned that WWE will be stocking the entire show with celebrity guests. Judge Mills Lane will act as a special guest referee, Loni Anderson will be the guest timekeeper, and Rob Schneider will be repeatedly kicked in the groin by Sheamus after he commandeers a microphone and starts spreading anti-vaxx propaganda.

- Brock Lesnar turned heel yesterday by showing up on ESPN programming and not F5ing Skip Bayless into a a 50,000 gallon vat of hydrofluoric acid.

- Hiroshi Tanahashi won the G1 Climax Tournament, thus crowning it the most magnificent tournament in history. The booking themes were so intense and yet artful, and every match was at least four stars.

- Also, how stupid are you American fucks for not appreciating Michael "Big Mike" Elgin until now? I always knew he had it in him. You didn't. I hate you. I hate all of you.

- ROH will visit New Japan Pro Wrestling in the first quarter of next year. In response, WWE plans on getting everyone's visas revoked and all major ROH figures who aren't interested in jumping ship deported to North Korea as political prisoners.

- Triple H made a conference call today about NXT Takeover, and he accidentally called NXT WCW. This may just have been a Freudian slip, but I'm reporting EXCLUSIVELY that Finn Bálor WILL indeed job the NXT Championship to AJ Styles via fingerpoke after the ladder match with Kevin Owens is over, ushering in the GOLDEN AGE of the Bullet Club in NXT.

- Gabe Sapolsky is slated to be backstage at NXT Takeover: Brooklyn, but only if he stops hashtagging his tweets with #ROH.

- Vince McMahon is getting help creatively from Paul Heyman recently. In unrelated news, Sabu and Sandman are scheduled to interfere in the WWE Championship match at SummerSlam

- Stephen Amell injured himself during weight training for his match with Stardust. When informed of the injury, McMahon flipped out because he thought it was impossible for superheroes to get hurt.

- Jared Fogle will plead guilty to charges of possessing child pornography. The question now turns to CM Punk. DID HE KNOW WHEN HE CALLED FOR JARED FROM SUBWAY TO BE BROUGHT IN FRONT OF HIM?

- Music today in MMA fighting as CM Punk Punk now Cathal Pendred twitter war with Ariel Helwani hour UFC, handily won them. Do not wait.

- Vince McMahon is allegedly high on Neville right now. Apparently, growing up in Newcastle has made Neville's skin highly narcotic, and McMahon collects it via a PedEgg whenever he needs a hit.

- Kevin Dunn came under fire for focusing a camera on a "Fat Owens Fat" sign on RAW Monday. Dunn categorically denied the accusation, saying he was really focusing on a buxom fan sitting behind the sign.

- TNA... y'know, no one cares about TNA. Let's just skip this item.

- Rey Mysterio was allegedly interested in returning to WWE, but he tore both ACLs the moment he showed interest.

- Tommaso Ciampa denied reports that he was injured during his appearance with NXT last week. He said he's been dealing with a severed arm for months now.

- Jim Ross' one-man show is playing opposite both Takeover and ROH's Field of Honor events. He plans on counteracting them by bitching about ROH's lighting and claiming NXT is pushing these young'uns too fast, too soon.

- Last week's poll was confiscated in the big drug raid on Miller Compound. This week: