Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 44

How did this controversial match end? HORB HAS IT
Photo Credit:
HORB FLERBMINBER is back, baby, and boy have I got all the scoops that your bodies can handle this week AND THEN SOME. I bring you so much news that you cannot possibly hope to absorb it all before the pop quiz next week. THAT'S RIGHT, I'M HANDING OUT QUIZZES NOW. Read my scoops and know them, OR YOU SHALL FACE THE WRATH OF MY HEAT VISION. I have heat vision now, did you know? It’s why Dave Scherer spent five weeks in the hospital. I GAVE HIM FIFTH DEGREE BURNS BECAUSE HE TRIED STEALING MY SCOOP ABOUT ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL BUILDING A DEATH RAY TO GET BACK AT DEMOLITION.

I am the light and the giver of all news in this cesspit of a world, but I cannot make the news happen all by myself. No, that would require technology beyond my control, and although I will harness it someday, I now need help to gather all the news one needs to sustain their meager lives. If you know anything about the wrestling world or you have any tips on how to remove a pry bar from a urethra, please e-mail me at I promise you will be handsomely rewarded with pride on how you helped me disseminate news to all my subscribers. If you want money or credit, fuck off. Also, please follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. If you don’t, then how will you know the next time I tweet vaguely homoerotic threats to Great Power Uti?

If you want back issues of the newsletter, then you’re not going to get them by just sitting at your computer. If you want the expose I did on Verne Gagne’s weird fetish to be walked like a dog in the nude that almost got him arrested in 1965 or the time I posted that risqué photoshoot of the Gobbledy Gooker, then you’re going to have to take the bull by the horns man. Live a little! Make a contribution to society. I don’t just hand out copies of the issue where I detailed how many virgins Vince McMahon has sacrificed in the name of staying vital and vibrant to loafers and layabouts. DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR PATHETIC LIVES.

This week, the newsletter is brought to you by Sunny’s Skype Da… you know what, not even I’m that desperate.

Remember, it’s dangerous to go alone, take this!

- SummerSlam was marked by the confusing finish at the end of the main event, where WWE ran an incompetent referee angle and Undertaker won by devious means. Taker also collapsed when he got up the stage, not because he’s been a member of AARP for a decade and needs to take oxygen between bites of food, but because he found the booking to be SO DUMB that he passed out from frustration.

- Jon Stewart also marked SummerSlam by turning heel on John Cena and costing him the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and United States Championship. The move will set up a huge main event at Hell in a Cell, Seth Rollins and Stewart vs. Cena and Bill O’Reilly with Wyatt Cenac and Rachel Maddow as special guest referees.

- SummerSlam was also the most social event on Sunday, which means more people were on Twitter bitching about the booking than usual.

- Saturday night’s Takeover event kicked off with Triple H asking the audience for silence so he could do a serious cold open. Several fans defied the Game, chanting Chris Benoit’s name over the din. Those fans were hunted down and thrown in a gulag somewhere outside the harsh wilderness of Warren, CT.

- Jushin Liger made his WWE debut at the event, and as expected, he was the absolute greatest performer on the card, making all those pathetic gaijin look terrible and weak. WWE makes me sick compared to the shining stars of New Japan Pro Wrestling.

- Bayley vs. Sasha Banks was widely regarded as one of the greatest matches of NXT’s history and in the annals of women’s wrestling. However, people lauding the match are definitely grading on a curve and with their penises because a BOTCH HAPPENED. WOMEN CAN’T BE TRUSTED.

- Blue Pants received deafening cheers on Saturday when she was introduced as the Vaudevillains’ insurance against Alexa Bliss. However, these cheers were not a sign that she’s over. She’s a geek who can’t work, so she should be left cold and alone until her inevitable death from crushing mediocrity.

- A wrestler named Kanna, who looks an awful lot like joshi icon Kana, was spotted in the front row at Takeover, fueling rumors that she’d been signed to WWE. However, the woman’s name is actually Kanna, and she’s Kana’s stunt double.

- Kazuchika Okada, Gedo, Tiger Hattori, and Naoki Sugabayashi all attended SummerSlam Sunday. However, Gedo, Hattori, and Sugabayashi ALSO attended Takeover, blowing off Ring of Honor’s Field of Honor event, which featured NJPW superstars including Okada. ROH officials were mad at being blown off like that, but their ire was really sent through the roof when in response to their queries about their whereabouts, Gedo just texted them pictures of Vince McMahon’s penis.

- Alex Shelley shattered two teeth during the Field of Honor event Saturday during his scheduled match. While ROH offered to pay for the medical expenses it will incur to fix them, it’s reported that Shelley can’t find a dentist who will do the surgery, thanks to Triple H’s long-reaching ties in the orthodontics industry.

- Meanwhile, Jim Ross’ one-man, spoken-word show on Saturday, which went head to head with both Takeover and Field of Honor, was poorly attended, but at least it had good lighting.

- CJ Parker has signed a contract with NJPW and will start there in September under the name Juice Robinson, proving once and for all that he was fired from NXT for being TOO GOOD FOR WWE. I SPIT AT YOU, VINCE, JUNIOR.

- AJ Lee-Brooks appeared in the short film advertising Madden ‘16. DOES THIS MEAN CM PUNK WILL JOIN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE? I tried asking Refrigerator Perry, but he just hit me with his cane and told me his restraining order against me was still valid for six more weeks.

- Tough Enough concluded last night, and the winners are some dude you’re going to see wrestling for Pro Wrestling Syndicate within three years and a woman who may end up taking Dasha Fuentes’ job in a couple of months, maybe.

- Sabu was the subject of a long social media rant by PWS booker Pat Buck where the latter accused the former of improprieties. Among them were accusations of animal abuse, as blood and feces were found in Sabu’s hotel room after he’d checked out. When contacted, Sabu said he was auditioning for a return to WWE, and that the hotel room was to be filmed for an upcoming episode of Swerved.

- The Divas Revolution match Monday was widely panned by the audience on Monday, as fans chanted for everyone but the women in the ring. Many have blamed the reaction on poor booking and repetitive matches that have been played out over the string for two months. This reasoning may appear true on the surface, but if you look more closely at the situation, you’ll find out that the crowd was reacting to COOTIES. COOTIES. RUN.

- Nikki Bella was reportedly supposed to lose her Divas Championship to Charlotte within a week of her debut on the main roster. However, John Cena politicked his way into Bella keeping the title because “It’s a great sex toy; it’s really livened up things in the bedroom.”

- The Dudley Boys made their returns to RAW on Monday in a surprise sneak attack of the New Day. They have signed full-time contracts with the rider that they get gasmasks on the road to guard against chemtrails, a stipulation negotiated by Bubba Ray’s girlfriend, Velvet Sky.

- Sting was revealed as Seth Rollins’ next opponent for the WWE World Championship at the end of RAW Monday. Sting was happy to appear for WWE since talks for the Police reunion have stalled.

- The Bo Dallas/Brock Lesnar confrontation on Monday has led to a match between the two being signed for the big Madison Square Garden Network-only special. If the trend continues, Lesnar will be wrestling El Torito at the next event of this nature.

- WWE will reportedly cut between ten and 15 wrestlers before the year’s over. The cuts are expected to come on December 14 so that the fired wrestlers will not be able to collect a Christmas bonus.

- Brian Cage has landed a part in the El Rey Network original series From Dusk ‘Til Dawn, which is about as close as you fuckers are going to get to a second season of Lucha Underground. DO YOU HEAR ME?

- John Cena has granted his 500th wish for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. The news wasn’t received well by the International Guild of Genies, Djinn, and Spectral Beings, who put a three wish limit in for a goddamn reason.

- Phil Baroni hopped the rail at the Global Force Wrestling tapings in order to confront Chael Sonnen. The incident was not scripted, and Baroni apparently went into business for himself to jumpstart an angle. GFW officials were at first mad at the event, but they soon realized it could draw mainstream attention to them when their television show Amped gets network distribution. However, will the move ultimately pay off, since everyone involved will more than likely be long dead before the show gets a home on TV? Stay tuned.

- Charles Oliviera was hurt and the damage caused suspension of fighting the main event at UFC Max Holloway 9:30 last night just battle through, UFC public relations citing sources, such at the esophagus rips, which can be fatal.

- Vince McMahon turned 70 on Monday, which he celebrated by berating his daughter, writing several more fat jokes about Kevin Owens along with Kevin Dunn, and direct messaging pictures of his penis to Joe Koff, Dixie Carter, and Ted Turner.

- Ahahahaha, fuck TNA.

- Greg “The Hammer” Valentine said that women wrestlers are taking jobs away from men and that they shouldn’t be allowed in the ring. I’ve already written three borderline sexist news items in this report. If I agree with Valentine, I have it on good authority that Holzerman’s female followers will rip my head off and shit down my throat, so, uh, HE’S WRONG. WOMEN ARE GOOD. UH, OKAY.

- Last week’s poll was lost in the Barclays Center. This week’s poll will not be happening because my poll-makers went on strike for feeding them plutonium-spiked split pea soup. I HEARD IT WAS HEALTHY.