Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 45

Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
I am HORB FLERBMINBER. Gaze ye upon my SCOOPS and TREMBLE UPON THEIR MIGHT. My propensity for gleaning all the news is SO MASSIVE that it has been deemed its own dwarf planet like PLUTO. MY NEWSLETTER HAS MOONS. SEVERAL MOONS, INCLUDING MILEY CYRUS' BARE ASS. I herald all the news that is fit for your consumption, and even some that is poisonous. How else do you think two members of the Kansas City Royals got chicken pox. THEY READ THE PART OF MY NEWSLETTER ABOUT HOW MICHAEL ELGIN GAVE BIRTH TO KITTENS AFTER THE G1.

Of course, I get all the scoops I can on my own, but it's not enough. I need help. I NEED SOULS. FRESH BLOOD. Oh, and, uh, tips, preferably news tips and not frosted tips or steak tips. Well, you can give me steak tips; I haven't eaten a good meal in weeks. Anyway, if you have any nuggets of information and you're not one of those GLORY HOGS who wants credit for it, e-mail said tips to Also, you will want to follow me on Twitter @HorbFlerbminber. If not, then the terrorists win, and you don't want the terrorists to win.

If you want back issues of the newsletter, then by all means take them. IF YOU CAN CATCH THEM FROM THE PLANE I'M THROWING THEM FROM, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Remember, uh... what is it I'm supposed to remember now?

- Biff Busick, Rich Swann, Chuck Taylor, Johnny Gargano, and Drew Gulak have all reportedly signed WWE developmental deals. Timothy Thatcher was allegedly going to be signed too, but WWE officials dropped him at the last second when they were playing the WWN Live claw game to pick out all the potential signees.

- A warrant for Jimmy Snuka's arrest has been issued for the 1983 death of Nancy Argentino. Vince McMahon reportedly has sold several thousand shares in his company and is in the market for the world's largest dump truck to fill with cash and dump on the Allentown Police Department's front door.

- Armando Alejandro Montalvo was shot by an Orange County deputy on Monday after appearing at the WWE Performance Center against a restraining order placed against him. He was described as being obsessed with AJ Lee and Lita, and he thought they would be there based on reports from Mike Johnson.

- Montalvo received the restraining order when Triple H learned he was obsessed with Lee and Lita and not him.

- Zahra Schreiber was fired from WWE on Monday after anti-Semitic images and racist comments from her Instagram account surfaced over the weekend. Schreiber had just debuted on the NXT house show circuit that weekend as Solomon Crowe's sister. McMahon reportedly was very distraught at firing her because he was "so close" to that incest angle he's always wanted to do. "I EVEN HAD THE GODDAMN LEAVES PRE-CRUSHED, DAMMIT."

- Hulk Hogan tearfully begged for forgiveness on Good Morning America Monday for his racist tirade, claiming "C'mon brother, it's been over a month, brother. Don't people usually forgive white dudes like me by now for this shit?"

- Bram was arrested Monday for domestic violence. He inadvertently plead guilty to the charges when the Gulfport Police Department served him a letter of confession that was disguised as another contract extension from TNA.

- Vince McMahon held Sting from the SummerSlam card because he thought the show was loaded enough already, and that Sting talking exclusively about Triple H and how big his penis is would do better to sell Night of Champions.

- Zack Sabre, Jr. won the Battle of Los Angeles tournament in a match Dave Meltzer gave an unprecedented six stars to because Super Dragon hooked him up with a free pitcher of beer before the show. Max Landis, however, was given no preferential treatment, which is karmic balance.

- Cliff Compton suffered a seizure backstage at the Ring of Honor show in Atlanta on Saturday, thanks in part to Great Power Uti learning how to use psychic powers.

- A contingent of several angry Philadelphians are parked outside Titan Towers to throw batteries at WWE officials in anticipation of the city's bid for WrestleMania 34 being denied.

- Adam Page promised Jay Briscoe that he will learn his name, which is a stretch since Briscoe still has yet to learn how to read.

- 9/19 St. Emanuel Newton Phil Davis vs. King Mo Lawal Lightheayvweight Winston Vassel San Jose in the first round of the tournament Warrior added. Round two of the game, and the show will be able to come after the winner of the three-round fight.

- Mark Henry announced that he is thinking about retiring at WrestleMania 32, but only if he can take a BM in Michael PS Hayes' seat at the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony the night before.

- The NWA World Championship changed hands this past weekend, but no one knows who won because everyone was paying attention to Bruce Tharpe, who was wearing the same thing Miley Cyrus wore to the Video Music Awards.

- Dean Ambrose on his relationship with Renee Young: "Well, it first started out as a rib on her for not wearing shoes, but as fate would have it, we fell in love along the way."

- Last week's poll was arrested on suspicion of vandalism. This week: