Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ On The Wrestling Blog: Issue 47

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Well, you didn't expect to see HORB FLERBMINBER here this week, DID YOU? DID YOU? Wait, you did? YOU CHEATED. DAMN YOU. I'm not sure if you DESERVE the news and SCOOPS I provide on a weekly basis. Do you even know why I'm mad? Wait, I'm online. I AM NEVER MAD AND NUDE ONLINE. NEVER. Only Bryan Alvarez is mad and nude online, AND HE IS MAD AND NUDE ALL THE TIME.

Of course, I can't be everywhere at once. Only one writer has ever tried that, and well, all us dirtsheet writers have a memorial service for Scott Keith every October 20 to commemorate his attempts. Because of that, I need help from anonymous tipsters, EMPHASIS ON THE WORD ANONYMOUS, to help me get all the news out. And I swear, if you want credit, you will end up as atomized and disintegrated as Keith ended up on that poor day all those years ago. If you have a tip, please send it to You're also going to want to follow me on Twitter for all the JUICIEST, MOST RECENT scoops. Go to Twitter Dot Com and follow me, HORB FLERBMINBER at @HorbFlerbminber. ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES.

If you would like back issues of the newsletter, well, what the fuck have you done for me lately that I'd even consider it? When was the last time you complimented me on my haircut? Or have you noticed that I've lost weight? I'M DOWN FIVE POUNDS, YOU MONSTER. Just for that, I'm keeping all these back issues of my newsletter to myself until you can find the time in your day to notice how I'm doing for once, you insensitive clod.

This week, the newsletter is sponsored by the Coalition to End Hulkamania. Are you tired of seeing the Hulkster run roughshod over WCW? Do you long for the days when Randy Savage was antagonizing Hulk Hogan instead of doing his light work for him? Then please support the Coalition to End Hulkamania. This multi-wrestler conglomerate featuring the amalgamated Dungeon of Doom and Four Horsemen needs your monetary support and vocal concerns as they head into certain battle at Uncens... wait, am I reading copy from 19-fucking-96? I need to hire a real intern.

Remember, don't forget me when I'm gone.

- BREAKING NEWS: WWE officials have decided on the third man to team with Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose on Sunday. However, while my sources can confirm that a wrestler has been agreed upon, none of their answers are the same. The personal janitor for Vince McMahon's bathroom says it'll be Baron Corbin, while Triple H's cock masseuse claims it will be Erick Rowan. Ric Flair told me it was CM Punk, but Michael PS Hayes has assured me it will be Daniel Bryan. The crazy cat lady who hangs around the dumpsters at Titan Towers has said it will be Mazlar the Immortal Piss Goddess. So when Kane comes out as the duo's surprise partner, be prepared for massive disappointment.

- Nikki Bella broke AJ Lee's record for longest Divas Championship reign on Monday. While the screwy match finish was attributed as a tribute to the late Dusty Rhodes, the act of breaking the record itself was claimed to be a tribute to Triple H finally winning the imaginary war he's waging against CM Punk in his mind.

- Ronda Rousey will not be appearing at WrestleMania this coming year. Sources say that she's going to be filming the Road House remake in Indonesia, but my sources have confirmed that Dana White finally convinced her that wrestling is fake.

- Athena, Biff Busick, and Rich Swann have been confirmed as signed to WWE developmental contracts. In keeping with tradition of Apollo Crews, Athena will be named Serena Winfrey, Swann The Notorious S.M.A.L.L., and Busick Tom "Ted Kennedy" Brady.

- WWE has banned all indie wrestlers from masturbating if they want developmental deals since that's what officials assumed Chuck Taylor's shoulder injury was from.

- Sasha Banks and Bayley will headline Takeover: Respect in a 30 minute Ironman Match for the NXT Women's Championship. Because the two know about it in advance, they will certainly rehearse their spots, which means THIS MATCH CANNOT BE CONSIDERED AS A MATCH OF THE YEAR CANDIDATE. DID YOU HEAR ME? If you consider this match as anything more than novelty, I swear to God, I will hunt you down and kill you. I'LL KILL YOU.

- In an unrelated note, the name Takeover: Respect is blatantly false, as Triple H is showing DISRESPECT to the fans by allowing his wrestlers to rehearse at the Performance Center. What does he think this is, ballet? BALLET?

- Chad Gable has gone on a sabbatical from wrestling to venture into the Mushroom Kingdom in response to WWE officials claiming he's too small to be a top star.

- WWE is interested in bringing back Ethan Carter III, the former Derrick Bateman, but only if he'll finally do that USA Dude character again because the company is out of ideas for Rusev after this Dolph Ziggler feud ends.

- WWE is also interested in bringing back the Hardy Boys, but Jeff Hardy is balking at the idea because he doesn't want to start out his next stint with WWE with five Wellness Program strikes against his record.

- Vince McMahon and Triple H both want Edge to return to WWE as a non-wrestling character. Christian inquired about making it a tandem return, to which McMahon told him he needed to get fitted for a blue dot to fit across his face first.

- Matt Riddle has signed with EVOLVE, making him the MOST REAL WRESTLER IN THE COMPANY. If Gabe Sapolsky doesn't put every title on him, I am personally protesting outside every EVOLVE show in the future.

- Jeff Jarrett has been bought out of his minority share in TNA. Sources say he was paid the princely sum of $4.83 for his stake. The company right now has been valued at $22.11, which is a $3.28 increase from its valuation this time last year.

- Randy Orton has reportedly asked for "The Shawn Michaels" schedule. WWE officials have rebuked his request, claiming they don't want Sheamus to get too rusty.

- Rey Mysterio on why he left WWE: "My breaking point was after the 50th time the new racist social media guy asked me when they were changing my theme song to 'The Mexican Hat Dance.'"

- Paige has announced her engagement, and guess what creeps, it's not to you.

- Damien Sandow and Adam Rose have both undergone gimmick changes, which is surprising since most people have forgotten that they're employed by WWE.

- Alex Riley has announced he is endorsing Donald Trump for the Presidency of the United States, leaving many to wonder if Kevin Owens will now support Bernie Sanders. When asked about the move, Owens said "What, Riley is still alive? Will wonders never cease."

- Kevin Sullivan has weighed in on Owens in WWE, saying his weight and appearance aren't up to snuff. This was only after the reporter was aghast that Sullivan would show up to an interview in the nude, forcing Sullivan to hold up his paunches to reveal he was wearing one of his old banana hammocks.

- Jesse Ventura has started exploring candidacy for the office of President as well, but Vince McMahon is already planning to dissuade him as he doesn't want to choose between two WWE Hall of Fame members in fall 2016.

- Nick Diaz NSAC has received a five-year ban. Gaia Anderson Silva Diaz will fight for marijuana testing.

- Virgil on how he makes money today: "As it turns out, women actually like the feeling of my 14 inches inside of them. I can charge a premium fee. You're not wearing a wire, are you? ARE YOU?"

- Jim Ross has publicly compared Charlotte to Kurt Angle, which is a teaser for his next set of one-man shows entitled "I Put Crack Cocaine in My Barbecue Sauce."

- Vickie Guerrero remarried over the weekend. In response, Randy Orton is already prepping a "YOUR HUSBAND IS IN HELL" speech in case he also passes away in an untimely manner.

- Last week's poll results are in and, oof, they're not good. You have three weeks to live. This week's poll: