Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 48

Has Sting wrestled his last?
Photo Credit:
Hm, yes, you see, HORB FLERBMINBER has returned to the glorious duty of slinging wrestling scoops to you, the faithful reader. Nothing of note really happened last week anyway, except the beginnings of my CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT against Jeppson's Malort. But I am BACK at full strength, slinging the scoops to you, you, you, AND ESPECIALLY YOU. But not you, Todd Martin. If I catch you even dreaming about my newsletter, I WILL THROW A MALORT BOTTLE FILLED WITH MY OWN URINE AND VOMIT AT YOU SO QUICKLY YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT YOU UNTIL THE BOTTLE BREAKS OPEN. I'm warning you only ONE MORE TIME.

Now, I am sterling when it comes to bringing you all the news. Everything I report is factual, correct, and comprehensive. But I can only cover so much of the known universe before the atoms in my body start pulling apart due to quantum shearing. That's where I need you, my loyal army of tipsters and hipsters to come and give me all the news that you know. You can give it to me anonymously or you can leave me your name, but either way, if you want credit, then you will suffer the same fate as Todd Martin. YOU HEAR ME, TODD MARTIN? YOU'RE AS BAD IF NOT WORSE THAN THE GLORY HOUNDS WHO WANT ACTUAL CREDIT FOR THEIR NEWS OFFERINGS. If you have a tip, please send it my way to And if you want all the up-to-the-second scoops that your liver, kidneys, and pituitary gland can handle, follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. If you don't follow me, then my Twitter will wither and die, and you won't know when CM Punk does Benghazi again.

If you want back issues of the newsletter, then tune into the next episode of Hawaii Five-O. I have encoded a secret message into the script, which I hope wasn't taken out because I WORKED HARD AT SNEAKING INTO THAT WRITER'S ROOM TO PUT IT IN THERE. I didn't get arrested for nothing, c'mon now. Anyway, look for the message to be spoken by the dude played by that tall Korean guy from LOST, uh, what's his name? Oh yeah, Rory Calhoun. He'll say something that doesn't fit into the script, and if you go to the Heaven's Gate cult website and type that message into the search bar, you'll come across an ordering form for back issues of the newsletter. However, do not try to buy capybara skulls. They're not from me, and I have nothing to do with them. It was placed on the drop-down menu as a condition of agreement. I personally think it's creepy, but that's the price of doing business, I suppose.

Remember, YOU'RE DEAD MEAT, TODD MARTIN. Okay, maybe not DEAD meat, but still, don't touch me.

- Ratings have fallen to record lows for Monday Night RAW this past week. The record drop in overnight live viewership has caused panic in people who have never heard of DVR or Hulu.

- Sting suffered a major injury during his match with Seth Rollins at Night of Champions last Sunday. Reports are that they were so bad that when he woke up at the hospital, he thought he was still in the Police and started singing "Message in a Bottle."

- Speculation is that Sting may never wrestle another match again, leaving another performer cut down in the absolute prime of his career. When will the cycle of tragedy in wrestling cease?

- Sting refused to blame Seth Rollins for the injury, saying that Rollins was the best worked he'd ever faced. He later added "Have I put you and your pet projects over enough, Trips? CAN YOU PLEASE LET MY DAUGHTER GO NOW?"

- Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker happening at Hell in a Cell means that both wrestlers are freed up for WrestleMania this year for other opponents. Lesnar is said to be rumored to go up against either The Rock or the giant Jumbotron screen hanging above the center of Cowboys Stadium. Undertaker will more than likely wrestle himself into a pair of corduroys so he can hit up the early bird at the diner. Additionally, John Cena was seen at the Performance Center lining up prospective NXT talents that he can crush in a three month program starting at WrestleMania like he did with Bray Wyatt and Rusev in the last two years.

- Nikki Bella said in a recent interview that boyfriend John Cena has had nothing to do with her prominence on television. However, she would not deny that her role as chief stool pigeon on Renee Young for not wearing shoes played any role in her increased push and television time.

- SummerSlam will be returning to the Barclays Center for the next two years. The decision was made after Vince McMahon couldn't find a better price for venues anywhere else on AirBNB.

- Kurt Angle will return to the ring at Bound for Glory in a match that even the Undertaker has said was ill-advised as he signed the contract for his Hell in a Cell match against Lesnar.

- Lucha Underground has released Hernandez from his contract, which will finally allow him to work for TNA!

- Hornswoggle was suspended under the Wellness Policy for trying to smuggle in size enhancing fungi from the Mushroom Kingdom.

- I've watched New Japan Pro Wrestling Destruction in Kobe once, but I haven't JO'ed to it yet, so I can't provide any trenchant analysis at this point.

- Jesse Ventura has said he'd consider the office of Vice President as Bernie Sanders' running mate, to which Sanders replied with 30 minutes of uninterrupted laughter followed by a standup comedy routine about chemtrails that would make George Carlin turn his head if he were still alive.

- Nick Jackson's wife has yet to give birth to the couple's next child. I'm hearing reports that the baby refuses to be delivered until the doctors agree to pay for transportation and lodging and give him/her the biggest cut of the gate.

- Sylvan Potard French MMA is better to hide the last 7-5 days the name of popular recordings. Sport and was naked, completely naked photo shoot for the calendar issue, sport and the arts, the star for the event, "God Arena" a major cause of women, gays and shotgun. Bad, especially after winning the first media and social problems in many of France. (Because of Tony Puma)

- Last week's poll results are in, and you're all pregnant. This week: