Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 46

Kana has signed, and HORB HAS THE DEETS
Photo Credit: Greg Davis/
HELLO AGAIN, PEONS. HORB FLERBMINBER is back to cram all the scoops into your ever-loving mouths until your livers become so engorged with news that they explode and produce the most informative foie gras in recorded history. My news is so newsy that I should be charging you what Dave Meltzer charges for three years of his piddling Observer, BUT I DON'T. Do you know shy? BECAUSE I AM GREAT AND MAGNANIMOUS AND I HAVE JUST PULLED OFF THE GREATEST BANK HEIST IN THE HISTORY OF THE NATION OF SLOVENIA. I should be bankrolled for years, and I've politically maneuvered it so that I'll NEVER BE EXTRADITED. DO YOU HEAR ME, DUĊ AN MRAMOR? YOU CAN'T DO A GODDAMN THING ABOUT IT.

Of course, in order to continue to deliver news to you in a timely and oversaturated manner AND continue my spree as Eastern Europe's most notorious and prolific bank robber, I need help with collecting of the scoops. I want your tips. Not the tips of your penises, mind you, at least not during work hours, but I want the news nuggets, the rumors, the items so salacious that you dare not speak them unless you know you're anonymous and you don't want a single shred of credit for your information. If that is indeed the case, then e-mail me at Also, you will want to follow me on Twitter @HorbFlerbminber, because if you don't, then you'll never know when I decide to help people like Kevin Condron and rovert gang up on that shitbag Holzerman for his terrible news reporting, only to make a heel turn and send a virus to rovert's computer where the only matches he'll be able to watch feature Charlotte. MY PLAN IS BULLETPROOF.

Now if you want back issues of the newsletter, then you must do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. If you do it correctly, then a stack of newsletters should appear behind you. However, if you don't get the one you want, look into the mirror, say Bloody Mary three times, and she will use telepathy to know which one you want and bring it to you. Also, she'll want to devour your immortal soul, but that's a small price to pay for getting archival analysis of all the news that has ever happened in pro wrestling history. IF you're lucky, you may even get the famous issue from November 12, 1215 when I write about Genghis Khan totally destroying the Jin Dynasty territory and totally burying the Champion.

This week, I'm also serving as a hypeman for Ja Rule. He's making a comeback, and he wants me to build up excitement in towns where he'll be appearing next. He'll be hitting up hip-hop hotbeds like Dubuque, IA, Denver, IA, Cedar Rapids, IA, and... well, if you live in the state of Iowa and love Ja Rule, come out and see him. However, I swear to God, if I see anyone of you mentioning Ashanti, I WILL DESTROY YOU.

Remember, nothing lasts forever.

- Kana made her signing with WWE official. To celebrate, she chopped off Eva Marie's head with a samurai sword as a show of dominance over the rest of the women in NXT. Eva Marie will be out for six-to-eight weeks for head repairs and circuit re-soldering.

- Alicia Fox and Paige got into a bar fight in Baltimore Monday with an unruly patron who was drunk and instigating the WWE superstars. Because the two are currently feuding and needed to protect the business, after the drunkard was subdued, they beat each other up so as not to break kayfabe.

- KING OF TRIOS RESULTS: Ten people were arrested for using profanity, and five people were executed by the Roving Chikara Death Panels for spreading rumors about the unmasked identity of Icarus. Oh, and I didn't catch who won. It was probably the bugs.

- Lana injured herself training over the weekend, suffering a wrist injury. Sources say she was making the jerk-off motion with her arm a bit too hard when Vince McMahon propositioned her yet again and hurt it banging it into a doorknob.

- John Laurinaitis has gotten engaged to the Bella Twins' mother, and he already has an offer to John Cena on the table to change his name to "Lil' Johnny."

- LA Park, La Parka in WCW, has quit CMLL after two weeks. He handed in his notice by chair-shotting owner Paco Alonso.

- Triple H is pushing for Tyler Breeze to make the main roster because he just doesn't know when to leave well enough alone, does he.

- Ronda Rousey has been announced as starring in the remake of Road House. The film hasn't even begun production, and it's already projected to be the highest grossing film of 2017 based on advance sales from Dave Meltzer alone.

- WWE developmental talent Nhooph al-Areebi had racist tweets surface... holy shit, didn't this JUST happen? With another one of these women? I guess it goes to show, men never, ever, EVER say anything racist on social media.

- In other news, Michael PS Hayes is still employed.

- UFC191 200,000 surveyed, expect a show that will be most important. It is behind the seventh different football theme. Five school or college football coverage, is Kobe Bryant. 19 College Football Football Football 18 is not UFC191 one thing and its 20 total, in.

- Nick Gage was arrested for a parole violation, causing him to no-show his own promoted tournament in New Jersey on Saturday. His crime was staging a tournament without the proper zoning permits.


- Kurt Angle has announced he will be done with TNA in January of 2016, which is a generous prognostication since I doubt the promotion will last past Thanksgiving of this year.

- The PWI 500 was released this past week, and the last time I saw a horde of people get mad over something that didn't matter, Sunny had just announced a half-off sale on her Skype-sex services.

- Last week's poll has been lost in the void. This week's poll: