|The greatest men who ever lived|
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Best Human Beings in the History of the World - The New Day
The New Day owned the first 20 minutes of Smackdown. Sure, the Dudley Boyz and the Prime Time Players may have yelled at each other and then had a match, but it was all vague background noise behind the guys who should be the star of every show WWE produces. Continuing their quest to Save the Tables, The New Day reminded us of all the great things in history that have involved tables: the first Thanksgiving, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, even Walter Cronkite reporting the moon landing. They then joined the commentary team and proceeded to NEVER stop talking for the entire match. Jerry Lawler didn't get one word in. The New Day just yammered and yammered, often over each other so it was almost impossible to hear what any of them were saying. After the Dudleys won, Kofi ran in and literally bopped D-Von on the head and scurried away.
And it was just so funny and so unscripted, and so obviously not the brainchild of Vince McMahon or Triple H or any of the lame writers backstage. That's wonderful. Everyone asks why these guys have been given so much creative freedom to go out and be the biggest idiot goofballs ever, but it shouldn't be a mystery. They are getting a genuine reaction from the crowd every time they go out there. Almost no one on the active roster can claim the same.
Backstage, The New Day was parading around with their trombone again when Renee Young came up and informed them that they had a match later that night against Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns. Xavier Woods made a sad trombone noise...with his trombone. God, I love them.
The Team-Up that Literally No One Expected (Because it's Crazy) - Stardust and The Ascension
Stardust and Neville were going to have a match, but it never happened because Neville was attacked on the ramp by...THE ASCENSION. They threw Neville into the ring and Stardust announced that The Ascension are his "crafty, cunning, conniving new cohorts." So does that mean we'll get backstage promos where Stardust does his Riddler stuff while Konnor and Victor punch each other in the shoulderpads and scream a bunch? I'm down. Also, if they keep the comic book concept going with this feud, we'll finally get to see The Ascension look awesome, and not just portrayed by two schlubby dudes.
The Bash Brothers - Cesaro and Sheamus
Cesaro says he didn't realize until standing next to Sheamus that the WWE Universe is correct: he does look stupid. This results in one of those WWE matches where two very muscular guys do strong things to each other for ten minutes with a very basic formula, and it's never boring but it never gets too fun. Cesaro lost, but only because he has a bruised rib and Sheamus sorta kinda cheated. Maybe someday they'll have a big feud and they'll fight each other with actual motivation and a storyline. (HAHAHAH WHO AM I KIDDING)
Best Performance Art Piece Portraying Human Garbage - Dolph Ziggler, Lana, Summer Rae, The Miz
Would you mind if I just said as little as possible about this? How bout I tell you this much: Summer Rae came out again and more or less claimed that Ziggler tried to rape her. He got super pissed. Knowing that Summer is probably lying because that's all she's ever done to her, Lana still basically chose to believe her, so now she's mad at Ziggler. This causes drama between people, you see. It's all very dramatic and interesting, I assure you. Don't worry that everyone in the storyline is acting like an unbearable pile of excrement and the actual wrestling doesn't count. That would distract you from being happy when the ladies slap each other!
Moment That Made Me Want to Walk into Traffic - R-Truth
R-Truth lost to Bo Dallas, but just ignore that. What's important is that they showed the last 30 seconds of R-Truth rapping his theme song. He yells "What's up" and says to the crowd "Whoomp, there it is." Poor Brandi Runnels has to stand in the ring and gamely bop to the beat. R-Truth has to rap his exact same theme song that he's rapped, what, 900 times in his life? He's referencing a song that stopped being cool approximately a month after it came out, and that was 22 years ago. R-Truth is the saddest man in the WWE, and I just want to give him a retirement package and a hug.
The Guiness Book of Records "World's Longest Hair" - Charlotte
Charlotte beat Tamina. Again, that SUPER doesn't matter. Let's talk about Charlotte's hair, or more accurately, her extensions. She looks absolutely insane. Her hair is down to her butt. Her hair is the length that you see on weird Mennonite women. Why is this necessary? She is a woman that has blonde hair. Isn't that enough? Surely, wrestlers don't need to have their hair flying all up in their own face for me to enjoy watching them wrestle. Sasha Banks has already accidentally ripped one off during a match. I can't wait til she just yanks all the extensions off and does snow angels in them.
Silence is Golden - Jimmy Uso
Jimmy Uso apparently does commentary for Smackdown. You wouldn't know it unless they showed him on camera a couple times, because he says nothing. Like, seriously nothing. And when he does talk, he has nothing interesting to say. I feel like he lost a bet and is being forced to do this job, because when Lawler prompts him with a question, he does his best to say the most general-ass nonsense possible and then just trails off to silence until someone else starts talking. Stay strong, Jimmy. Someday they'll bring Booker T back on and end your misery.
Most Smackdown-like Main Event of Smackdown - Reigns and Ambrose vs. The New Day
These gentlemen had a perfectly fine match that I don't remember at all and could happily have never seen. It ended with a DQ finish, and the babyfaces stood tall. Nothing was advanced, nothing happened. Man, Smackdown is the pits.
However, life is always better when you've got Xavier Woods outside the ring screaming, "Why are you cheering for Roman?? I HAVE A TROMBONE."