Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 49

Cena is taking time off? What will WWE do in his absence?
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Look, people, I'm only going to tell you this one more time. I am HORB FLERBMINBER, and I am the BIGGEST SWINGING DICK in the wrestling news MULTIVERSE. Not even the Dave Meltzer in the universe where he conquered the Earth with bad syntax and an army of clone Stings is as powerful as I am, AND HE HAS NUCLEAR BOMBS. I've been to that dimension. Nashville is a smoldering, radioactive wasteland thanks to the powers he foolishly let Generalissimo Bryan Alvarez have over all those neutron bombs.

No one is foolish enough to give me nukes in any dimension, but they are willing and able to give me the best tips that they can find. What can I say, even though I am the MACK DADDY of newsmongering, I do need help. I can't be everywhere at every time, because if I could, then WHY WOULD I NEED HOLZERMAN, HUH? If you have any JUICY TIPS or JUICIER BUTTS (what can I say, I, like Billy Gunn, am an ass man), then send them to I will give you a wink and a nod, but if you want credit, then I will kick you in the nuts. OR IF YOU'RE A WOMAN, I WILL KICK YOU PROBABLY IN YOUR OUTER THIGH BECAUSE I RESPECT WOMEN. Also, if you want to follow me on the Twitters, you should do so. I am a Twitter superstar. Follow me @HorbFlerbminber, and maybe, just maybe, I'll deign to click the Favorite button for one of your measly tweets, you peasant.

If you would like back issues of the newsletter, then you must recite all the lyrics to Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic hymn, "Baby Got Back." If you want back issues of the newsletter, then you must recite the lyrics to that AND his follow up novena, "Put 'Em on the Glass." And so help me God, if you make one single mistake, you will be BANNED from receiving the newsletter ever again, past, present, or future. Just ask James Caldwell. IT'S 36-24-36 IF YOU'RE 5'3", NOT 4'10", YOU SHAMEFUL, SHAMEFUL MAN.

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Remember, you look fat in that muu-muu.

- John Cena will be taking time off for personal reasons after Hell in a Cell. He didn't give a reason or a timetable for his return; however, all scripts are calling for at least one WWE superstar to ask "Where is John Cena?" during every quarter hour during RAW.

- Daniel Bryan will consult a third doctor for the final word on whether he will be cleared to wrestle again. He is scheduled to see Dr. Nick Riviera of Springfield for the consultation.

- Bryan has said that if WWE will not clear him to wrestle that he has plans on going to Mexico and working in a lucha libre promotion. He said he initially wanted to work a mask vs. beard match, but he has had second thoughts about that since poor ventilation in most Mexican arenas may cause massive casualties from beard particulates flying all around.

- Ratings for RAW remained at the record low levels from last week. WWE officials are said to be blaming Seth Rollins for the dip as he's been a failure as Champion. In a totally unrelated note, Rollins has one win in the last month, and it was over Zack Ryder at a house show in Kalamazoo, MI.

- The record low ratings have officials concerned because the only way you can watch RAW live, and in no way shape or form can anyone record RAW or watch it on an after-live venue like Hulu. Not at all. No way.

- Vince McMahon has been micromanaging the RAW script and story details more than usual lately, which means get ready for that long-expected incest storyline he's been wanting to do since 1999.

- NXT Takeover: Respect is tonight. Remember, if you enjoy these clearly rehearsed matches, you are worse than Hitler.

- During the requisite pre-Takeover conference call, Triple H put over EVOLVE and said that he sends wrestlers there for work when he has no room at the Performance Center. What I got out of that statement is Baron Corbin is slated to win the EVOLVE Championship at EVOLVE 50 in New York.

- He also said he has contacted New Japan Pro Wrestling about a partnership, adding "We'll teach that fucker [Kazuchika] Okada to say he'll never work for WWE."

- During today's Twitter Q and A, Trips also mentioned he was interested in bringing back the cruiserweights to NXT, which caused 75 percent of WWE fans to forget he went over Booker T in their WrestleMania XIX program via racism.

- CM Punk injured himself during training, and he won't make his MMA debut until 2016 now. Some say he injured it in sparring. Others say it was during grappling training. However, my exclusive source tells me that he injured himself making the JO motion at pro wrestling again.

- Punk also lashed out at WWE for its support of Susan G. Komen Monday night, and surprisingly, he didn't use any gendered slurs to get his point across.

- Matt Hardy won the TNA World Championship at Bound for Glory, only to vacate it two days later as part of an angle involving former Champion Ethan Carter III filing an injunction. Most people reacted to the news with surprise, thinking that Matt and brother Jeff were going to be backstage at Takeover: Respect tonight.

- IS PAIGE BEING PUNISHED? Meltzer says yes, while Sunny has blocked my Skype number because I'm 34 payments behind on her services.

- Cesaro is also apparently in the doghouse, which is bad because no one in the company looks after it, and it still contains turds from Matilda that are almost 30 years old.

- Zahra Schreiber has been booked with an independent wrestling promotion, and surprisingly, it's not Ku Klux Klan Wrestling.

- James Storm is backstage at Full Sail University tonight for NXT Takeover. However, reports are saying he has signed a contract, but to be the janitor for the venue.

- Additionally, Gunner was in talks with WWE for a job, but it turns out the job he was in talks for was indeed the Full Sail janitor's job.

- Finn Bálor and Jason Jordan showed up to TNA headquarters before the NXT house show in Nashville on Friday in a prank invasion. TNA officials were spooked and offered stake in the company to Bálor on the spot. Frightened, the NXT Champion and his cohort ran away before anything else happened.

- Tommaso Ciampa made history by being the first wrestler to appear on both NXT and Impact on the same night. He is a veritable shit-covered, naked, homeless man's Rick Rude.

- Dixie Carter made a huge announcement last week that TNA wrestlers will be forced to learn the Shera Shuffle or else they'll get fired.

- Ronda rousey the first athlete ever to anchor the ESPN Sports Center East on Wednesday showed 06:00. At the beginning of the book on the ESPN television show Monday night and midnight on the massage center Mike bamboo Pluto on Wednesday.

- Hulk Hogan will appear on Ric Flair's podcast, which will once again end with Flair blading and Hogan getting the 1-2-3 at the end.

- Batista got married over the weekend. All attempts to contact his new wife on the size of his dick have been unsuccessful so far.

- Last week's poll results are in, and boy, do you have some explaining to do. Yes you. This week: