Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 2, Issue 1

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Look here, nerds and dorks, HORB FLERBMINBER is back for the second volume of my IMPRESSIVE NEWS OFFERINGS here on the *hock ptooey* WRESTLING BLOG. Many of you didn't think I'd last this long, especially you, James Powell. BUT FUCK YOU, here I am. My scoops are more impressive than VIRGIL'S GENITALIA. My insights blow those of hacks like Dave Meltzer and Scott Keith out of the water. I CAN DRINK THREE TIMES MY BODY WEIGHT IN WATER BEFORE SUCCUMBING TO FATAL AQUEOUS POISONING. Trust me when I say that I am far better than you and everyone you love in every single capacity.

But as much as I am bigger, stronger, smarter, and more virile than anyone, AND I MEAN ANYONE out there, I still cannot be everywhere at once. If I could, then I would be a god, but I cannot lay claim to that title yet. YET. Instead, I need you to help me with all the tips you have. News tips, gossip tips, beef tips, just the tip... I WANT IT ALL. Give me all the news you have at my e-mail, However, if you ask for credit for your contributions, I will hunt you down and KILL YOU. Or at least step on your foot with my steel-soled boots. If you don't think that hurts, THINK AGAIN. Also, you should probably follow up my REAL TIME news scoops on Twitter by following me @HorbFlerbminber. If you don't, then you'll never know the next time Gabe Sapolsky steals someone's artwork without credit and uses it for his DVD graphics.

If you'd like back issues of the newsletter, first, ask nicely. If you don't, then Sister Mary Catherine Horseknuckles will come to your house and smack your hands with a thick, wooden yardstick. Then Bobo the Loan Shark will break your legs. And then Dr. Stephen Hawking will use experimental black hole technology to render you out of existence by compressing your entire mass into a singularity. I DON'T FUCK AROUND WHEN IT COMES TO POLITENESS.

This week, the newsletter is brought to you by, BABY HITLER? Goddammit, I'm gonna get thrown through the wringer for this one, aren't I?

Remember, remember, the fifth of November.

- Alberto del Rio has returned to WWE. He made his official redebut as the opponent for John Cena. Sources indicate that he indeed signed a contract for the next indeterminate amount of time that could be anywhere between one nanosecond and time immemorial.

- del Rio is still the reigning and defending AAA Mega Champion, despite not having wrestled for the company outside of his hometown of San Luis Potosi since TripleMania. That's almost 80 years.

- Ronda Rousey said she wants to be Divas Champion. If WWE doesn't let her win the title, especially over Charlotte, then it is a trash company. I mean, Charlotte sucks. LOOK AT HER FOOTWORK. LOOK AT IT. HOW DARE YOU ENJOY HER.

- Konnan was at RAW on Monday and hung out with several WWE superstars. However, he was really there on a covert mission from Dario Cueto to once and for all persuade Brock Lesnar to join Lucha Underground as Matanza.

- WWE officials were concerned about the health and welfare of Undertaker going forward because he collapsed the last two times he faced Lesnar after the match. Because of those concerns, WWE only okayed him blading and taking a dangerous move on the exposed ring rather than what was originally planned, which was Lesnar stabbing him 26 times with a knife that looked just like the one tattooed on his chest.

- The Young Bucks have signed with Ring of Honor. While they will still be allowed to work Pro Wrestling Guerrilla and New Japan Pro Wrestling, they will have to turn in their flamboyant personalities by December 31, 2015 or face a null and void on their deals.

- The latest batch of signings to the WWE Performance Center has been announced, and the crop includes indie stars Athena, Rich Swann, and Biff Busick, Dutch toughman Gzim Selmani, former Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega, the Gorton's Fisherman, fictional heiress Sue Ellen Mischke, and everyone who has ever competed in Tough Enough ever except for that rat bitch Matt Capotelli.

- Dublin, UFC, The Netherlands, on Saturday, shows that of the 54,000 spectators. In the Netherlands Warrior Pico 28,000 spectators (Freon based on the Mustang).

- Lucha Underground has received a large influx of cash for its second season thanks to murdering and selling the organs of the Crew on the black market. Apparently, a human liver sells for over three-quarters of a million dollars. Who knew?

- WWE edited a line from Brock Lesnar on his Steve Austin Podcast appearance. Specifically, it was the line "Yeah Steve, I really love Jimmy John's. Like literally. I fuck the sandwich, Steve. I fuck the sandwich."

- Details from Hulk Hogan's WCW contract have surfaced, and here are the most notable ones:
  • He wanted Horace Hogan to be treated like "a real boy" even though he was created from steroids, old WWF merchandise, and Hulk's dead skin cells he'd been collecting for years.
  • His demands included a bowl of orange M&M candies because they were the only candies that matched the color of his skin tone.
  • Lee Marshall was never allowed to look in his general direction or else he'd receive 25 lashes from the Singapore cane.
  • Anyone who told his then-wife Linda about his sexy parties with the Nitro Girls would be fired and made to wear the cone of shame upon their dismissal from the arena.
  • The main event of Starrcade '01 was to be his daughter Brooke vs. Ric Flair's daughter Ashley in a "whose dad is the best" match.
- Rusev and Lana allegedly have heat on them for ruining an angle by revealing out-of-character details about themselves. Vince McMahon was overheard as saying "IF I CAN'T BE FUCKING HAPPY OUTSIDE OF MY WORK LIFE, NEITHER CAN ANYONE ELSE. HELL, I ONLY HAVE A LIFE AT WORK. FUCK YOU."

- The cause of Randy Orton's separated shoulder has been revealed to be due to taking out the garbage. Vince McMahon immediately put riders into everyone's contracts saying they must pay butlers or stewards to take out their garbage, at their own expense of course. What, do you think McMahon's MADE OF MONEY? He's not a billionaire anymore.

- Rusev injuring his shoulder at this week's Smackdown tapings was said to be a rib on Orton for injuring his in such a silly manner.

- Corey Taylor of Slipknot slapped Baron Corbin in the face during a match at the NXT portion of the Aftershock music festival. While that move was in the script, GWAR lead singer Vulvatron ritually sacrificing Eva Marie to the departed spirit of original frontman Oderus Ungurus in an unholy demon ceremony was in fact a shoot.

- Many people are criticizing James Storm for being "thirsty" in regards to his Twitter pleas for WWE to sign him after his one-off stint with NXT last week. However, if WWE doesn't offer him a contract before the next full moon, Dixie Carter will have Storm apprehended, chained up, and sent to work at her family's salt mines in Outer Mongolia for his insubordination.

- Tyrus, formerly Brodus Clay, said that Sunny didn't belong in the WWE Hall of Fame in an attempt to get her into TNA to feud over her Hall of Fame ring.

- Last week's poll results are in, and my, my, my, that's quite the pickle you've gotten yourself into, Mr. Bond. This week: