|HOW MANY AWARDS DID I VOTE SHINSUKE NAKAMURA FOR? SEE BELOW. FUCK YOU.|
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
Thanks to a court-ordered injunction against Dave Meltzer for RUNNING OVER MY PET SQUIRREL, my ballot for his goddamn mark awards COUNTS FOR MORE THAN ONE pending a multiplier. Basically, whatever the Power Play multiplier is for the last Powerball drawing in the calendar year of 2015 is what my ballot counts for. SUCK IT, DYLAN HALES. Anyway, enough fluff, let me get down to my ballot, the MOST IMPORTANT BALLOT IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. Suck it, Florida hanging chads!
LOU THESZ/RIC FLAIR/CHAEL SONNEN AWARD
1. CONOR MCGREGOR - The decision to make a red-headed Irishman with funky hair the top competitor in its promotion makes UFC look brilliant. WWE should probably try this some day.
2. HIROSHI TANAHASHI - How could anyone else be considered? He is a legend and his 2015 as the TRUE ACE of New Japan continues that legacy. HE IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ANY PROMOTION THAN ANYONE ELSE IN HISTORY. Just thinking about his weight in the greatest promotion of all time gives me a priapism.
3. YOSHI-HASHI - This is a STATEMENT VOTE. Even the least important wrestler in New Japan is greater than the best in WWE. FUCK YOU, VINCE, JR.
MMA MOST VALUABLE FIGHTER AWARD
1. BROCK LESNAR - Look, I know he lost two big fights this year, but at the same time, he wasn't knocked out in one of them, and in the other, he made the Undertaker, WHO IS THE BEST PURE STRIKER IN WWE HISTORY, tap out. It's not his fault the ref didn't see it.
2. THE UNDERTAKER - I repeat, HE'S THE BEST PURE STRIKER IN WWE HISTORY.
3. HOLLY HOLM - Eh, I guess.
MOST OUTSTANDING WRESTLER AWARD
1. SHINSUKE NAKAMURA - I wasn't going to vote for him, but then Jim Ross reminded me that he wasn't just some flamboyant guy prancing to the ring, but he had KICKBOXING TRAINING SO REAL SO REAL SO SO SO REAL.
2. JOEY RYAN'S PENIS - Honestly, WHO CAN ARGUE with a penis that can take a PURORESU MASTER like Danshoku Dino to his knees? I REFUSE TO.
3. KOTA IBUSHI - He's revolutionizing selling by NOT SELLING AT ALL. How avant-garde!
BEST BOX OFFICE DRAW AWARD
1. JOHN BOYEGA - I'd vote for Daisy Ridley, but she's a Mary Sue.
2. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN - Every sports columnist I read is going to his concert, how can he not be a draw?
3. DAVE MELTZER - DID YOU SEE THE RATINGS when he went on to discuss Hulk Hogan? I didn't either, but they had to have been HUGE.
FEUD OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. JOE LANZA VS. THE WORLD - It's fascinating to see how many people are WRONG and how RIGHT Lanza is. He proved that doxxing a Chikara wrestler, shouting down Black Lives Matter, AND generally creeping around Tinder are what good people do. LONG LIVE LANZA.
2. HIROSHI TANAHASHI VS. KAZUCHIKA OKADA - When Tanahashi made Okada cry at WrestleKingdom 9, I cried too. And climaxed.
3. HULK HOGAN VS. GAWKER MEDIA - The twist where it was revealed that Hogan was racist this whole time was like Vince McMahon revealing he was the higher power, ONLY MUCH MUCH BETTER.
TAG TEAM OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. ME (HORB FLERBMINBER) AND FISHY (THE MASKED LUTEFISK) - Our banter on Twitter CANNOT BE DEFEATED. DID YOU HEAR ME, YOUNG BUCKS? FUCK YOU.
2. THE YOUNG BUCKS - I'd have given them my first place vote IF THEY DIDN'T EXPOSE THE BUSINESS BY MAKING PEOPLE CHEER OR BOO THEM. Don't they know wrestling's supposed to be a SPORT which is solemn and not fun? And that wrestling is on a downturn, so people are supposed to go and be silent? WHY WON'T THEY LISTEN TO JIM CORNETTE?
3. THE ROCK AND RONDA ROUSEY - Why weren't they signed to a FULL-TIME CONTRACT RIGHT THERE? This is why WWE needs Horb to man the checkbooks.
MOST IMPROVED AWARD
1. SHINSUKE NAKAMURA - Just when I thought he couldn't be more than best in the world like he has been for years, he became BEST IN THE UNIVERSE. Anyone who disagrees is a hater and probably thinks Jim Ross is WRONG for noting that he's a kickboxer.
2. TETSUYA NAITO - I always knew Naito had it in him. He came back to Japan BETTER despite having to go to, ew, Mexico to do it. That's almost as bad as having to go to the States.
3. JUSHIN LIGER - Like a fine wine, Liger has aged GRACEFULLY. He even made that shitty Takeover show in Hipsterburg watchable.
BEST ON INTERVIEWS AWARD
1. PRINCE PUMA - No need to say anything about his promos, as they are BREATHTAKING.
2. PAUL HEYMAN - Honestly, the only reason to tune into RAW is if Heyman is talking about how much he's in love with Brock Lesnar and wants to be inside of him.
3. STEPHANIE MCMAHON - You know, the goal of promos are to make yourself look strong, and McMahon is the strongest person in the company. I hate WWE, but I have to respect that kind of talent.
You know, the next couple of awards are ones I don't even wanna touch because I'm NOT INTERESTED. Instead, I'll make up some other awards to replace them. YOU HEAR THAT MELTZER, THIS IS BINDING.
BEST LUCHA UNDERGROUND SPOILERS FROM SEASON 2 AWARD
1. DARIO CUETO PUTS UP "NO GIRLS ALLOWED" SIGN ON TEMPLE, HAS PENTAGON, JR. KILL SEXY STAR, IVELISSE, MELISSA SANTOS, CATRINA, AND ANGELA FONG IN REAL LIFE - Girls have no place in wrestling!
2. MATANZA CUETO TURNS OUT TO BE A RANCOR - Bold for Star Wars to extend its marketing machine to The Temple.
3. THE GUY WHO PLAYS MACHETE GETS SHOWN IN THE CROWD FOUR TIMES - That's a lot of times for a celebrity.
BEST DIRTSHEET NAMER AWARD
1. ROVERT - Five years straight with this award for the dynamo across the ocean. When will he stop getting people to name dirtsheets? Maybe when everyone UNJUSTLY blocks him.
2. and 3. Sorry, ROVERT is the only one worthy of a vote in this category.
BEST CHIKARA DOXXING AWARD
1. SILVER ANT UNMASKED AS GREEN ANT - Wow, I didn't ever see that one coming at all.
2. HALLOWICKED UNMASKED AS FRANK STALLONE - So THAT'S where Sylvester Stallone's younger brother has been all these years.
3. MIKE QUACKENBUSH UNMASKED AS BRANDON STROUD - This one wasn't surprising, but it was still IMPORTANT.
BEST SHOCKING WRESTLING MOMENT FROM A SHOW THAT ISN'T ENTIRELY WRESTLING AWARD
1. THAT TIME ON GIRLS WHEN THE DUDE ATE THAT GIRL'S ASS - All that scene needed was the ECW Arena crowd chanting "HE'S HARDCORE! HE'S HARDCORE!"
2. IK ENEMKPALE SUCKER PUNCHING GENO SMITH - Okay, so this technically wasn't televised, but the NFL is on TV. Think of it as advancing an angle on a house show.
3. MAD MEN SEASON FINALE - Look, I've sat through the end of a BILLION shitty WWE PPVs with nonsensical endings, so I totally get why Matthew Weiner decided to end the show like it was WWE Battleground 2014. Wait wait, that was the SERIES finale, not the season? Well, uh, okay then.
BEST TWITTER ACCOUNT AWARD
1. WWE BIBLE - The only place on the web where I can see Paige's naked boobs, and FUCK ANYONE WHO SAYS THEY'RE PHOTOSHOPPED.
2. WASIM PERVIZ - I totally believed him when he said that he flew Stephanie McMahon's private jet to the Seychelles to scout talent.
3. LANCE STORM - He hates everything; he's the PERFECT encapsulation of the IWC.
MOST UNJUST DECISION AT THE SLAMMY AWARDS AWARD
1. LOL MOMENT OF THE YEAR - That should have gone to the time Seth Rollins pretended to get hurt at that house show in Europe against Kane. WHAT A LARF, GUYS.
2. THE HERO IN ALL OF US AWARD - DOESN'T WWE KNOW THAT CHARITY IS A COMPETITION? Titus O'Neil got ROBBED.
3. TELL ME YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT AWARD - That should have gone to the folks at Nielsen every week they reported on RAW's ratings. THEY WERE BAD, THAT'S THE JOKE.
BEST THING I FOUND IN CM PUNK'S GARBAGE AWARD
1. AN EMPTY BOTTLE OF PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS - Seems ol' Punker is LYING about being straight edge.
2. HIS UFC FIGHT SCHEDULE - WOW, it turns out he won't be fighting in UFC until 2024, when they figure Gene LeBell will be old and frail enough for Punk to get an easy, name win.
3. EMPTY GLITTER CONTAINERS AND KURT ANGLE'S HOME ADDRESS - Enough said.
OKAY, OKAY, Holzerman's getting on my case to stop making up awards. THESE AREN'T MADE UP, YOU CHIKARA-LOVING SHITCOCK. Back to the "official" ones that Meltzer has laid forth.
MOST OVERRATED AWARD
1. JOHN CENA - He botched that springboard stunner a couple of times, SO HIS PUSH IS INVALID.
2. SASHA BANKS - OH MY GOD, if one more person tells me her matches in NXT were great without adding "on a steep curve because they get to practice at the Performance Center," I will FREAK OUT.
3. DANIEL BRYAN - If he wasn't so OVERRATED, he would have found out a way not to get a concussion so soon after returning from his neck injury. TAKE THAT.
MOST UNDERRATED AWARD
1. SHINSUKE NAKAMURA - People are out there saying he didn't have that great a 2015, WHICH IS ENOUGH FOR ME TO SAY HE'S THE MOST UNDERRATED.
2. AJ STYLES - He's ELEVATING the wrestling in the United States, and ROH won't put the title on him? HE SACRIFICED HIS BACK FOR YOU, SINCLAIR.
3. KAZUCHIKA OKADA - Clearly, he doesn't get enough respect from you people when he's BARELY mentioned as one of the greatest humanitarians OF ALL-TIME.
PROMOTION OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING - The amount of seed I've spilled watching this promotion blossom and bloom in 2015 is enough to give the Galactic Empire a new grand army, NO CLONING NEEDED.
2. ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP - Dana White has had some questionable booking decisions, but overall, he has the best professional wrestling in America. That has to count for something.
3. DRAGON GATE - This promotion has so many MOVES that I wouldn't be surprised if it challenges UFC for the second spot next year.
MOST OUTSTANDING FIGHTER AWARD
1. UNDERTAKER - I debated long and hard, but even though Lesnar was more valuable to WWE, I can't overlook Taker being THE BEST PURE STRIKER IN WWE HISTORY.
2. BROCK LESNAR - He was almost as good as Taker at a technical level, but I have to dock him for destroying the ring in their rematch. I would have judged that round 10-8 on principle if Lesnar didn't defeat Taker soundly there.
3. HOLLY HOLM - *sigh* I GUESS.
MATCH OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. KAZUCHIKA OKADA VS. HIROSHI TANAHASHI AT WRESTLEKINGDOM 9 - That match started off my year so right. The kicks, the punches, THE REALNESS. I'm getting tumescent just thinking about it.
2. CONOR MCGREGOR VS. JOSE ALDO AT UFC 194 - This match was short, but it was completely awesome in building up McGregor as THE guy.
3. KAZUCHIKA OKADA VS. HIROSHI TANAHASHI AT WRESTLEKINGDOM 9- Look, this match was so nice that I HAD TO VOTE FOR IT TWICE.
FIGHT OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. BROCK LESNAR VS. THE UNDERTAKER AT HELL IN A CELL - Just a phenomenal display of MMA from two of the greatest fighters of our generation.
2. BROCK LESNAR VS. THE UNDERTAKER AT SUMMERSLAM - Honestly, I just cannot forgive the referee for missing Undertaker's tapout here, but this was a sublime fight until that controversial moment.
3. BROCK LESNAR VS. JOHN CENA VS. SETH ROLLINS AT ROYAL RUMBLE - Can you believe how valiant Lesnar was getting up after being put through a table? He brings honor to real fighters everywhere.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. JAY WHITE - If anyone says that Chad Gable was a better rookie than Jay White, I WILL BEAT THEM WITH THEIR OWN ARM.
2. DAVID FINLAY - Seriously, does NXT have anyone as good as Finlay? NO, IT DOESN'T. FUCK YOU.
3. JUICE ROBINSON - Yes, I know he worked for, *shudder* NXT, but he had a SEED AWAKENING in New Japan and was REBORN so I count him.
BEST MAJOR SHOW AWARD
1. WRESTLEKINGDOM 9 - This wasn't the greatest show of the year, but it was the greatest show of ALL-TIME.
2. INVASION ATTACK 2015 - I didn't think I could feel so alive so close after WrestleKingdom, BUT INVASION ATTACK MADE ME STRONG.
3 G1 CLIMAX NIGHT 2 - Some will pick other nights of the G1, but THEY'RE WRONG. This night is where it was at because it was when I achieved my biggest climax of the year if you know what I'm saying.
MOST DISGUSTING PROMOTIONAL TACTIC AWARD
1. WWE EXISTING - Outside of the REAL FIGHTS with Brock Lesnar and Undertaker, does this sorry excuse for a company have any reason for being in business? NO, and the RATINGS BACK ME UP.
2. SASHA BANKS VS. BAYLEY - HOW DARE WWE PANDER TO FEMINISTS AND SJWS BY ALLOWING THESE TWO TO PRACTICE THEIR MATCHES FOR SIX YEARS BEFOREHAND AND RUN IT IN FRONT OF CROWDS IN NEW YORK? This company has no shame at all.
3. GLOBAL FORCE WRESTLING BROADCASTING WRESTLEKINGDOM 9 WITH ENGLISH ANNOUNCING - If you're a REAL FAN, you would have watched LIVE on the JAPANESE BROADCAST.
Man, this ballot is so goddamn LONG. I'm done with it. I'll have my intern fill out the rest. But rest assured, THESE ARE THE RIGHT CHOICES TO WIN, or else my name isn't HORBERT ALOYSIUS FLERBMINBER VII.