Friday, March 18, 2016

Best Coast Bias: Reporters Cry, Producers Die...

Somehow NOT the crowning achievement of this week's show
Photo Credit:
You would've thought American Alpha vaulting into the number one contendership spot by conquering their latest pair of ex-champions would've been the big moment from the St. Patrick's Day Eve episode. It was the main event, after all.

...yeah, no.

But hey, what about that picture above? Did Asuka actually get to use Full Sail's least favorite Total Diva as her own kick bag? Well, then shouldn't that be the big takeaway from the show, especially since she and Emma have a main event Takeover: London rematch next week on the penultimate show before Takeover: Dallas?

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. know what, any non-Aiden English is going to fail at a moment like this, anyways. Monkeys in the truck, roll the tape!

You might need to watch that again.

Hell, you might need to re-rewatch it again after that.

Anyways, this was the official moment where the space-time continuum finally officially ruptured and landed us in Earth-526, as the King of Strong Style Shinsuke Bleeping Nakamura made his first official appearance on WWE programming by announcing he was going to face El Generico...'s last trainee, Sami Zayn in the biggest match in the offshoot's history on the biggest stage they'll have to date. If you can't get it up for two of the best ten wrestlers in the world meeting on a platform that big for the first time ever in the new dictionary definition of a dream match then stop telling people you'll cover their legal fees if they punch out peaceful protestors at your rallies.

Sami Zayn v. Shinsuke Nakamura (billed as such, to boot) at Takeover: Dallas. That's going to be a thing. That's going to be A Thing. That could up end up being THE Thing. That's going to happen.

Another will be the aforementioned Alpha males of NXT taking on the Revival with the tag straps up for grabs. It seemed pretty much a fait accompli that this was what was going to occur, interesting as another rematch between the current champions and the manly throwbacks they usurped them from would've been on that big a stage in front of a crowd that should be ostensibly one soaked and dyed in Full Sail's wool writ large. Still, though, the only disappointment in the headlining match was that it ran 10 closer to 20; who doesn't to watch Chad Gable and Simon Gotch go hold-for-hold on the mat for a few spells? No wonder Dan Gable's (no relation) on the RWG bandwagon. While the Vaudevillians were a bit more heelish in their tactics, it never really fully translated to outright Cheneydom, and as it goes in 2016 once Jason Jordan gets the tag you might as well hit your back and look at the lights. The only thing keeping the upcoming tag title match from being an assured lock for MOTN come Dallas is the fact that that card is more loaded than Johnny Manziel's bloodstream.

Because in addition to Zayn/Nakamura, and the Finn Bálor/Samoa Joe rematch for the Big X, and the tag title match, AND Austin Aries (here in a quick promo to position him as the plucky undersized against the oversized jerk that went well) making his own NXT debut against the sneaky good Baron Corbin, well, you can't have an NXT Takeover without a World Women's Championship match that could be the match of the night in its own right.

Of course, it may have a pall cast over it by the end if Asuka kicks Bayley to death. And should that happen, we will all really, really miss Bayley. Corey Graves went from exuberant to horrified as he came to realize that with Miss Most Dangerous dans la maison that the odds of his girl Eva Marie getting turned from a solid into a vapor even with Nia Jax for backup just went blessed-level way way up, then made sure after he compared the Red Menance to a baby deer and Asuka to a crocodile lunging out of the water to snap her neck while she grazed in a fine Wild Kingdom analogy that he walked the comment back just in case she misunderstood and thought he was actually calling her a crocodile--freely admitting he was terrified of her. Compare that to Alex Riley right before Sasha Banks had to snatch his edges on that pregame, or not: that man's existence just gives further support to the agnostics and atheists of the world (represent represent).

Also a "bumped" match from last week's show, the crux of the match seemed to hinge on given Asuka's--well, Asukaness and Bayley's much gentler disposition, could they get along as a team to overcome a more established unit? Well, Eva got too cocky once Jax floored Bay and got herself in, then Bay outclassed her and brought in Asuka. Eva tried to run, but the gaijin cut her off, and then she was the next contestant on Catch A Beatdown. Jax would blind tag in and give the Power Alliance a quick reprieve, but Eva got in over her head again and this time when Nia tried to save her bacon she missed and legdropped her instead. Bayley sent her scurrying, Asuka added injury to injury from the apron with a Crocopesque shot, and that put her in perfect position to fall victim to the Bayley-to-belly.

Then Regal came back out and after some lavish compliments for both ladies made the match. You can tell he's an impartial GM now because he's more than willing to sentence somebody he likes to Death By Asuka like that. Then it happened: Asuka turned to face Bayley and flashed her ™ horrifying smile, the champ looked frightened while being determined (maybe the inverse) and in an echo of a great moment from Airplane!, Corey Graves borderline deadpanned "You ever see the Ring, Tom?" That is what it feels like: first you see the smile, then you see the grave. Bayley's literally overcome a litany of pretty much every major name in the history of the division, a rookie land monster who almost squashed her like a bug, and even fighting her BFF without either of them giving in to the temptation of donning the black hat. But this force of nature with the flowing cape and the sabre-pointed kicks may be something that not even the best World Women's Champion to date can overcome.

It'll be fun as hell to see if she can, though, assuming she survives.

Hell, Takeover: Dallas looks to be so much fun it's a wonder any of us will survive it. Forget a WrestleMania watch party; the Friday before the crown jewel might shine so bright Scott Kelly would've been able to see it from space.