|Shut up, Dolph|
Photo Credit: WWE.com
I get that we're supposed to be impressed that AJ Styles, Luke Gallows, and Karl Anderson are these incredible badasses that have travelled all over the world (except Antarctica), but if we're expected to retain that impression, maybe don't let them talk... pretty much ever. And especially don't let them go toe to toe with Enzo Amore because their verbal confrontation on Smackdown was just about the saddest thing I've ever seen.
The ensuing tag match predictably devolved into chaos when both the Vaudevillains and the New Day got involved, but can we talk about how shitty the Usos must feel right now? They spent, what, the past three months brawling with the Club on Roman Reigns' behalf and now Gallows and Anderson have a shot at the tag titles while the Usos have once again netted zero profit by allying with someone higher up on the food chain. If Cena comes knocking again I hope they tell him to get lost.
Speaking of Cena, Styles' claim that it was his plan all along to join Gallows and Anderson is kind of a slap in the face to Roman Reigns, isn't it? Beating John Cena is worth throwing away the good guy facade and deploying all the dirty tactics he can, but Reigns wasn't worth the full arsenal because John Cena is more important than the WWE World Heavyweight Title? Was this a subtle way to discredit Roman Reigns as champion or just shitty creative decision-making? You make the call!
Least Likely to Ever Be Friends – Kevin Owens and Alberto del Rio
Whoever decided to make Kevin Owens and Alberto del Rio team up again after last week has a wacky sense of humour, or maybe they were hoping those two crazy kids would work out their differences. Predictably, that did not happen. The two were sniping at each other before their match against Sami Zayn and Cesaro had even started, and they BOTH tried to bail on the other at different points in the match. The best part came at the end, though, when Owens seemed to give in to team spirit enough to upset Cesaro and assist del Rio... only to drag del Rio out of the ring so that he could get the pin himself. What a terrible person. I love him.
Honestly, though, the other side didn't do so great, friendship-wise, either. When Owens walked away from the match, Sami Zayn immediately gave chase, effectively abandoning Cesaro. I know last week I gave Zayn props for being the only one with his act together, but this week that award definitely went to Cesaro, who must have been heartily wishing that Owens and Zayn would just work out their shit on their own time. Personally, I like to think that even though no one ever mentions it, Zayn hasn't forgotten his NXT feud with Cesaro and he never would have pulled that stunt on Dean Ambrose, in spite of Ambrose's anti-Canadian leanings. Cesaro pretty much had to take care of business by himself, and after he took the loss he gave Zayn the most magnificent, judgy side-eye while Zayn at least had the grace to look slightly abashed.
Better Friends – Charlotte and Dana Brooke
Natalya accompanied Becky Lynch during her entrance and I still think the two of them look awkward as hell together. Meanwhile, Charlotte and Dana Brooke walked to the ring arm and arm and are clearly the better team. Brooke may have lost her match against Lynch, but she's winning at friendship.
Worst Friend To Millennials – Dolph Ziggler
I actually enjoyed the ninth Baron of Corbin's match this week, though because I can be a petty jerk I'm mostly putting that down to Kalisto's involvement. Unfortunately, my enjoyment was marred by Dolph Ziggler on guest commentary straining so hard to show us how funny he is that I thought he was to do some damage to himself. This culminated in his insistence that Corbin was clearly desperate for his attention and approval like a “typical millennial.” Um, what? And also fuck you? Oh, wait. Dealing with shitty, condescending gatekeepers who never really accomplished much but who seem bent on preventing you from accomplishing anything while criticizing literally everything you do? You're right, that DOES sound like a typical millennial! Ugh. Were I a scion of the illustrious house of Corbin, I'd probably spend all of my time trying to silence Dolph Ziggler's obnoxious laughter too.
Best Friend To Fashion – Chris Jericho
I don't think there's visual I find more consistently hilarious right now than Chris Jericho ambling out with his nose in the air wearing his trunks and a delicately draped scarf as the only accompaniment. What a ridiculous blessing Jericho continues to be. You be your best self, Chris Jericho, and you wear the hell out of those tiny scarves. He did beat Dean Ambrose in the main event, so perhaps the scarf does hold some secret strength.