|Cody Rhodes placed highly on Horb's ballot|
Photo Credit: WWE.com
ANYWAY, I'm here today because it's the Observer New Year, baby! YEAH! Ten days into this glorious 2017, and I am already feeling better. My resolution to mail more feral porcupines to HATERS is off to a smashing success so far. I've mailed them to Dublin, Austin, AND San Jose so far, and I'm awaiting more in my traps set all across the Canadian Rockies! I went to several Observer New Year's Eve Parties on November 30, and boy did I get messed up. In fact, I was in a drunken-induced stupor until this past Wednesday. Related, NEVER do shots of Fireball with Alan4L. There's a REASON they call him the Cinnamon Red.
Regardless, I have come out of my massive hangover in enough time to give you my Wrestling Observer Awards ballot. This ballot is THE MOST INFORMED AND CORRECT ballot ever. Forget anyone else's, especially Dave Meltzer's himself. MINE IS JUST THAT GOOD. So without further ado, LET'S JUMP RIGHT IN.
LOU THESZ/RIC FLAIR/MATT RIDDLE AWARD
1. CODY RHODES - Even though he spent the first half of the year painting his face LIKE A GEEK, he made an impact by bringing the most important aspect of wrestling to the indies, finally. NEPOTISM. Sure, indie promoters have been playing favorites for years, like all those guys who put their girlfriends over SCRUBS like Kimber Lee and Mickie James, but finally, Rhodes has brought being pushed only because of whom you're related to TO THE INDIES. This is so important.
2. CONOR MCGREGOR - Congratulations to McGregor for being the first person to hold two REAL WRESTLING titles at the same time, not two of those garbage PAPER FED CHAMPIONSHIPS. Hell, even ULTIMO DRAGON was a goddamn mark. But McGregor is the most important PRO WRESTLER ever for winning belts in the TOUGHEST FED.
3. KAZUCHIKA OKADA - Wow, what can I say about him that hasn't already been said? He's so glorious and his hair is so luxurious. I need a moment to myself.
MMA MOST VALUABLE FIGHTER AWARD
1. BILL GOLDBERG - I mean, did you see him wreck Brock Lesnar in under 30 seconds? What a monster! What a machine!
2. DRAYMOND GREEN - Dick-punching is A THING OF THE PAST. The new hotness in MMA is DICK KICKING, and Green was a MASTER AT IT.
3. SIN CARA - He remains UNDEFEATED in backstage brawls, which are the REALEST FIGHTS KNOWN TO MAN. I even heard he went BACK IN TIME so he could stretch Andre the Giant in front of the entire locker room JUST BECAUSE HE COULD.
MOST OUTSTANDING WRESTLER AWARD
1. AJ STYLES - I am CONFLICTED here. On one hand, he ABANDONED puroresu and is a TRAITOR to the true strong style! However, he is on a HOLY and SACRED mission to bring ACTUAL CULTURE to the *hock ptooey* WWE. Because I feel the latter is more important than the former, I AM VOTING STYLES MOST OUTSTANDING. You should too, or else you are a TRAITOR TO THE TRUE STRONG STYLE.
2. KAZUCHIKA OKADA - Anyone who disputes this award is a HATER. He is light distilled into wrestling human form. Everything he does is so sublime that I can't even ENTERTAIN a single criticism.
3. BONE SOLDIER - The Bullet Club REMAINS THE FRESHEST CONCEPT IN WRESTLING by adding ELITE workers such as Bone Soldier to it. ELITE.
BIGGEST BOX OFFICE DRAW AWARD
1. CODY RHODES - Look at all those TRUE FANS he's drawing in shacks and bingo halls across the country. EVOLVE used to draw 200 fans in New York. Now it gets 205. THAT'S A NOTICEABLE MARKUP OF FANS. I'd like to see John Cena draw that many extra fans to a podunk show. HE COULDN'T BECAUSE HE'S A MARK.
2. DONALD TRUMP - Did you SEE the crowds he was drawing? Anyone saying that they were papered has LOW STAMINA and is WEAK. Sad! However, I did have to dock him for no-showing in Chicago just because the crowd was hostile. I mean, if WWE can stand up
3. ILYASS KING - His art is IMPECCABLE. No one draws like him. NO ONE.
FEUD OF THE YEAR
1. WRESTLING TWITTER VS. LUCHA UNDERGROUND - Those PERVERTS put the title on Sexy Star, and the heroes of Wrestling Twitter reacted SWIFTLY. Everyone knows that putting women on an equal footing with men is SEXISM and is undoubtedly DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
2. KAMATAICHI VS. DRAGON LEE - How dare you, HOW DARE YOU, if you haven't watched every minute of this legendary, landmark feud. I hear people thinking about putting Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz ahead of this feud. THOSE PEOPLE ARE BAD AND WRONG.
3. TETSUYA NAITO VS. KAZUCHIKA OKADA - I'm also sensing that people aren't voting for this and instead are voting for Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte. HOW REVERSE SEXIST. EVERYONE KNOWS REVERSE SEXISM AND REVERSE RACISM ARE THINGS. Just ask DAVE MELTZER.
TAG TEAM OF THE YEAR
1. ME AND FISHY (HORB FLERBMINBER AND THE MASKED LUTEFISK) - I'm glad we didn't go through with that teased break-up angle, BECAUSE WE ARE UNSTOPPABLE!
2. THE REVIVAL - These guys were STELLAR this year, bringing back old-school, fists and fury Southern tag team wrestling over that stupid and dumb FLIPPY SHIT that dorks like the Young Bucks use.
3. THE YOUNG BUCKS - Wow, I love how these guys innovate unlike those stodgy, stuck-in-the-past, GRADED ON A CURVE assholes The Revival in NXT. BOO.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
1. MATT RIDDLE - What a first year in wrestling he's having with all those five star matches and feuds with promoters. HE'S ALREADY GOT THE HEAT OF A FIVE YEAR VETERAN.
2. CODY RHODES - ALL THOSE YEARS IN WWE DIDN'T COUNT. He's finally free to be the wrestler he was meant to be on the indies where his name recognition means NOTHING.
3. DYLAN WACO - He got to make his grand debut at WRESTLEMANIA WEEKEND! What a trooper!
MOST IMPROVED WRESTLER OF THE YEAR
1. MATT RIDDLE - How can Riddle be both the rookie of the year AND the most improved? FUCK YOU, THAT'S HOW.
2. BULL JAMES - AMAZING what you can do when you get to go to a company that ISN'T GRADED ON A CURVE and lets you WRESTLE.
3. HIROOKI GOTO - Wow, just, I can't believe how sublime and sterling he has become in the ring. I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO HIS WRESTLING IN THE RING.
1. SASHA BANKS - WHAT A FUCKING MARK SHE IS, bumping hard and risking injuring herself. What does she think this is, SOMETHING THAT ISN'T BALLET? How dare she try hard in the ring?
2. AJ STYLES - I know I voted him tops at Most Outstanding, BUT HE COULD BE SO MUCH BETTER if he stayed in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Imagine how great his year would have been there wrestling against Okada and Naito instead of, ugh, Roman Reigns?
3. MATT HARDY - Who cares if he's breaking ground on the perceptions of what wrestling is and what it could ultimately evolve into, thus helping it change from carny sleight of hand to legitimate art? HE'S DOING IT FOR TNA. BOOOOO TNA BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
1. KAZUCHIKA OKADA - The fact that NO ONE'S TALKING ABOUT HIM as the best wrestler in the MULTIVERSE is proof that he's UNDERRATED.
2. TETSUYA NAITO - It makes me so mad when people talk about great world leaders and inspirational figures and DON'T mention Naito. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.
3. KENNY OMEGA - HOW DARE PEOPLE NOT THINK HE'S THE GREATEST AMERICAN EXPORT SINCE SLICED BREAD? FUCK YOU.
BEST ON INTERVIEWS
1. KALISTO - I TOO LOVE GOOD LUCHA THINGS.
2. Paul Heyman - He totally has a way of saying things. It's almost like I hear the same promo every time, verbatim. IT'S LIKE A WARM BLANKET.
3. SETH ROLLINS - WWE is such a BULLSHIT PROMOTION, but the highlight is when Seth Rollins comes out and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks. It's the ONLY reason I tune in on Mondays.
BEST ANN... YOU KNOW, the REST OF THESE AWARDS ARE BULLSHIT. I'm going to create my own categories because I CAN. Dave Meltzer can do NOTHING ABOUT IT EITHER thanks to the landmark Flerbminber vs. the State of Colorado case from 1969. I AM INVINCIBLE!
MOST IMPRESSIVE HOG
1. MATT RIDDLE - I'm absolutely shocked that he doesn't have back problems carrying around that tripod leg. IT'S FUCKIN' HUGE.
2. ANDREW EVERETT - Everett may have portrayed a goat early on in his career, but my WELL-PLACED SOURCES tell me he's really hung like a horse!
3. KEVIN VON ERICH - The last von Erich standing raised himself a fine swine, weighing in at 400 lbs. and... WAIT A SECOND, HOW DID AN EARNEST, LITERAL ENTRY GET IN HERE? FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHO'S FUCKING WITH MY BALLOT AND WRITING THIS SHIT IN IN INK? I WILL FIND YOU AND GIVE YOU A SWIRLY IN A TOILET MARK MADDEN JUST USED WITHOUT FLUSHING.
BEST PORTRAYALS OF ANIME CHARACTERS IN REAL LIFE BY WRESTLERS
1. SESSHOMARU BY KOTA IBUSHI - Ibushi might have more famously portrayed Tiger Mask, BUT THAT WAS LAME. Portraying the antagonist from Inuyasha in obscure Taiwanese wrestling promotion SUPER HOT INTERNATIONAL TAIWANESE WRESTLING.
2. GRENINJA BY LEVA BATES - She might be the BIGGEST MARK OF ALL-TIME, but even I had to give her due the time she dressed up like the ninja toad Pokémon. It was SO REALISTIC after I licked that real toad too. Come to think of it, what wrestling show was I at where Bates also appeared? I didn't even do toad at a show this year, I was in the middle of the Mojave Des... oh that's right, I WAS ON ANOTHER HALLUCINATION TRIP AND THOUGHT A CACTUS WAS BATES AND A COYOTE WAS LINCE DORADO.
3. HANK HILL BY SILAS YOUNG - An honorable mention goes to Beer City Bruiser for his lifelike portrayal of Bobby Hill, hitting people with his fanny pack and yelling "THAT'S MY PURSE, I DON'T KNOW YOU!"
MOST EFFECTIVE TIMES I HAVE SLANDER... GODDAMMIT, Holzerman, THAT SLAVEDRIVER, is making me STOP CREATING AWARDS CATEGORIES. I have to get back to the actual Meltzer-made awards. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Well YOU KNOW WHAT, I WON'T DO WHAT ANYONE TELLS ME. SO WHAT if my ballot is incomplete? Fuck you, I MAKE THE RULES, NOT DAVE MELT... what's that, I have a cease and desist from Dave Meltzer saying that I have to do the whole thing? FUCK YOU. THAT'S MY PURSE. I DON'T KNOW YOU.