Monday, December 19, 2016

Year-End Sorting Bins: Ew, Gross, Go Away

The top NOPE on this year's shit sorting bin is... Flair!
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The end of 2016 is nigh, which means the YEAR END BLOWOUT has returned, and with the BLOWOUT comes the Sorting Bins. For those who are reading for the first time, basically, I put all the wrestlers or wrestling personalities I've seen or been made aware of in 2016 into bins according to how much I enjoy them. Simple enough, right? The first bin is for the bottom of the barrel, Unequivocal Hatred. This list is reserved for the people whom I would rather see take up vows of silence in monasteries in the mountains of Europe or Asia than do this thing called wrestling. And here goes!

Charlotte Flair - Her feud vs. Sasha Banks being about how WWE (and by extension, Stephanie McMahon) was FEMINIST AS FUCK, GODDAMMIT was not her fault. However, her nasally speaking voice, her utter regression in the ring, and her dead-inside facial expressions coupled with her godfather push has made her the most intolerable presence on WWE television in the second half of the year. I mean, on a show with Seth Rollins and vapid authority figures, to seize that crown is impressive.

Mick Foley - Speaking of make-believe feminists, remember when Foley dressed Flair and Sasha Banks down before their HISTORY MAKING Hell in a Cell match? The apogee of his utter intrusiveness as RAW General Manager involved him mansplaining the dangers of the Cell to two women who were in the process of carrying the brand with their feud. Foley is leaving the show for medical reasons until the New Year. I hope he kinda quits and WWE decides not to replace him.

Matt Striker - Killshot vs. Marty "The Moth" Martinez in a Weapons of Mass Destruction match was one of the absolute best contests of the year, but if I were to recommend it to you, I would strongly urge you to watch the Spanish-language feed or with the television on mute. Striker's commentary during the match is that awful. It is one-note, pro-Trump war policy blabberings all the way through, and it actively takes away from the carnage in the ring. Any semblance of a decent announcer left in Striker has gone in the wastebasket.

Hulk Hogan - Fuck Hulk Hogan.

Nutrious X - As if going full rape culture at National Pro Wrestling Day wasn't bad enough, later in the year he compared himself to Chris Benoit.

Adam Rose - One could give him the benefit of the doubt on his domestic violence incident (I don't), but the fact that this motherfucker tried capitalizing on it with a t-shirt shows how much of a scumweasel he really is.

Chavo Guerrero - The episode of Lucha Underground where Rey Mysterio beats him in the loser leaves town match is my favorite this season so far.

Paul Heyman - Every time Heyman comes on screen from now on, I need Bill Goldberg to come out and yell "SHUT UP" at him every time he tries to cut the same, sycophantic, bombastic promo he has for the last five years running now. What was the last really good promo he cut? The one where he got crazy and talked about volcanoes and shit? No one coasts on rep harder than Heyman, and this motherfucker still owes people money from ECW. So many fuckers let this guy coast on that and yet will be on Dixie Carter like stink on shit for not paying her talent.

Daniel Bryan - This one stings the most, because Bryan By God Danielson is still my favorite wrestler ever as of press time. But real talk, during his height of the YES! Movement, he was quite the unlikable babyface character. His petulance and co-opting of macho values in character were ignorable because he was a sure thing in the ring, and he led a populist movement that everyone, myself included, fuck, myself especially got swept up in. But you take that away and make him Just Another Authority Figure™, and all that petulance becomes toxic. Like Foley, he's interjecting himself as antagonists for wrestlers. Unlike Foley, however, each of these matchups, especially vs. The Miz, are so fuckin' tantalizing. Just go home and be a good father and husband and figure out a way for WWE to pay you for popping up on like Total Bellas or something. Never have heroes, kids.

Kevin Kelly - Man, Ring of Honor ditched the "Slap the Porpoise" guy for Kelly, and now years later, Kelly has himself creative control backstage. LOL @ ROH.

Joey Styles - A great litmus test for pointing out garbage wrestling fans is gauging their reactions to the Joey Styles "I bet Trump would love to grab [EVOLVE ring announcer Joanna Rose] in HER pussy!" comments. If they defended Styles, then they're garbage human beings.

Scorpio Sky - The guy who gave unwarranted opinions on gays in America also participated in a move-for-move recreation of Goldberg/Brock Lesnar at an indie show. Way to innovate!

Seth Rollins - Remember when he came back from injury, hurt Finn Bálor in his starmaking ascension at SummerSlam, and then turned babyface without tweaking a single part of his character to fit into a more noble role? I do!

Alex Riley - I never take glee in seeing someone lose his or her job, but when Riley got himself future endeavored by WWE, well, I had to hold back celebration. Sorry not sorry.

Jerry Lawler - Bye Felicia.

The Rock - Honestly, the disconnect between cool and apparently good Dwayne Johnson and flaming dumpster fire The Rock seems large now, but wait until he runs for President and reveals he's more conservative than he's letting on now. Ah, forget it, he'll be a welcome respite from Donald Trump in 2024 that no one will care that no one has any rights anymore.

Texano - The fact that he looks like Shane Matthews with a tan and a Mario mushroom still doesn't amuse me enough to want to see him on TV.

TJ Perkins - "It's women's fault that I'm in this bin." - Perkins, probably.

Lenny Leonard - Even discounting any personal bullshit between him and myself, the dude flat out is irritating on EVOLVE broadcasts. It's not that he's a bad commentator. I've heard him be good. But he calls the match like some faux-smart jagoff on Twitter would. I don't wanna hear the word "spot" on my wrestling broadcast, and if I have to hear him talk about dudes wanting to "impress" after making it to a show from the fucking seminar, I'm gonna snap.

Cody Rhodes - The truth about Cody Rhodes is that if he didn't have a famous daddy, he wouldn't have all these doors open for him, and he acts like he's roughing it. Fake sincerity abounds in the wrestling industry, but it just grates harder at me with Rhodes. I don't know if it was when he admitted he was using Cesaro's WWE Network login after he left the company and lost his free account or when his born-on-third ass said that it was easy for a wrestler to make a living outside of WWE that made me mad online more, but regardless, I would very much like never to hear his name in my ears again.

Vampiro - While Matt Striker is actively toxic, Vampiro *could* be somewhat useful if paired with a decent play-by-play guy. That being said, his apathetic delivery makes TNA Taz sound informed. How can a show so ambitious like Lucha Underground whiff on commentary so hard?

JBL - Notice how separating JBL and Michael Cole vastly improved the latter's quality of work and did absolutely nothing for the former? JBL is a cancer and easily the worst part of Smackdown Live.

The McMahon Family - I look at how far Vince McMahon has taken, and then I look at his Trump-administration wife, his awful children, and his ghoulish self and wish that wrestling maybe never left the smoky bingo halls and VFWs of the territory era. It seems like a decent trade-off to me, what about you?

Dolph Ziggler - What do you get when you combine a tryhard workrate dork with no discernible workrate to speak of with a business exposing character with bad standup comedy with racist heat buildup against a Syrian-Canadian opponent at a pay-per-view with support of the worst Presidential candidate in history? You get Dolph Ziggler! When you used to date Amy Schumer and you yourself end up looking like the worse person in that relationship, it's time to examine your priorities.

Triple H - You underestimate my ability to hold grudges, don't you.