Friday, February 24, 2017

NXT In 60 Seconds

Stamford named him Kassius, I'mma begrudgingly call him Kassius
Photo Credit:
R.I.P. George "the Animal" Steele

Contestant #1: Hi!  My name is Ember Moon, I'm from somewhere mysterious that doesn't resemble Austin at all, I like being undefeated, and I want to win Death By Asuka next week!
Contestant #2: Hi!  My name is Liv Morgan, I'm from Joisey, I know I can last longer than 28 seconds so save all your jokes, and I want to win Death By Asuka next week!
Contestant #3: Hi!  My name is Peyton Royce, I'm from Australia, this is my bestie Billie Kay...
Billie Kay: nods slightly Fours and fives, hello.
Peyton: ...and I want to win Death By Asuka next week!
Billie: Since this is no DQ, let me help.
Liv: oh noes
Ember: planchas her instead of the intended Peyton, who was pulled to safety by Billie
Peyton: Now to focus on who I know I can beat instead of...who I...probably could beat, but screw it, y'know?  sends Ember into the steps
Ember: Ow. :/
Liv: No!  I'm going to win, dammit!
Peyton: LOLNOPE lays her out while keeping Ember on the outside  And now for the
Liv: DTH~! into the turnbuckles?  I agree. 
Peyton: :/ ow
Ember: No pins on my watch!  Finally, now that I'm back in this, I can
Liv: around the world headscissors sends her out to the floor
Ember: ...
Peyton: Whatever.  I've got this.
Ember: And I've got both of you!  SUNSET SUPERPLEX
Billie Kay: Hell.  This looks bad.
Ember: It's even worse when you get in my way.  Eclipses her
Liv: Bye, Ember!  tosses her
Peyton: And bye to you!  knee trembler, Perfectplex And that, fours and fives, is how you win Death By Asuka next week. 
Mark Andrews: It's nice being in America.  I'm gonna party like I'm a member of Yellowcard in 2003!
Pete Dunne: If any of you so much as look at me cross-eyed I'm going to punch a baby in its stupid face.
Andrews: Pretty uncool, dude.
Dunne: I wonder how many of your fingers I can break.  Let's try for all of them.
Full Sail: groans and winces, but like appreciatively
Andrews: Time for some flying.  basement dropkick, moonsault armdrag
Dunne: Counter-argument: I beat the crap out of you.  stomps, emphatic forearm, X-Plex into the apron
Andrews: :Oh, that sucked!
Dunne: How marvelous.  I think I'll put my hand over your mouth so you can't breathe.
Andrews: ....dude, what the hell.  Did you just find out Take That broke up or something?
Dunne: ...
Andrews: Gotcha!  Rollthru double stomp!  Springboard rana!  Running Shooting Star!
Dunne: This is becoming bothersome.  FOREARM.  X-PLEX.  Finally.
Andrews: NOPE!
Dunne: You annoying little gnat, I'm going to
Andrews: Get armdragged, I'm right with you, chief.  Step up Owenzuigiri!
Dunne: Now wait just a damned
Dunne: ...
Andrews: Sweet.
Dunne: Kickout?  Kickout.  Oh, bloody hell.
Andrews: Dang.
Dunne: SNAP German!  Now stay still a second so I can
Andrews: Nah, counter rana that.
Dunne: I HAD TO KICKOUT AT THE LAST SECOND AGAIN!?  Oh, that is it, you're
Andrews: Small packaging that!  Bruh, I know your finisher!  Eat this Stundog Millionaire!  And now, for the Shooting Star
Andrews: augh
Dunne: And THERE'S my Bitter EndSTAY DOWN, you little pissant.
Andrews: does
Full Sailors: applaud heartily

No Way Jose: dances a lot
Robert Roode, Esq.: poses a lot
Full Sailors: Shiba Inu!
Roode: The only dog here is in your collective "fashion" choices.  Look at how GLORIOUS this chain wrestling is!
Jose: Y yo soy tambien
Roode: ¡¿Como se dice SPINE ON THE PINE, payaso?!  That fetching Australian woman has my old finisher so it's time for the one that felled the King.  No problem.  It's No Way Jose!  I got this, right?
Jose: You got this.  RIGHT
Roode: dies by degrees and his final resting place is outside of the ring
Jose: Hm.  Well, at least I've won the match and a likely title shot with it.  Just got to get this dead weight back into the ring...
Roode: JK EVERYTHING'S FINE GDT!  wins  That was...epic.  And here's a half crab after the bell, because look at you and look at me.
Jose: ¡AYUDAME!  ¡No me gusta!
Voice: Who's your Hero?!
Roode: Steve Bannon?
Kassius Ohno: That may've been a reference to my handsome twin brother, or something along those lines.
Roode: Who the Duke hell are you, coming to my ring, interrupting the champ?!
KO1.0: THEY know.  And you know.  But since I'm back on this sizeable platform, let me make something earnestly clear: Chr.. Kassius Ohno ain't nuthin' to f, uh, mess with.
Roode: Hmph.  "Well, Mr. Ohno, if that IS your real name, you're looking at a fighting champion.  And as far as I'm concerned, we don't have to wait.  We can put the title on the line, right here, right now.  Get a ref in here."
Full Sailors: Death By Elbow!  Death By Elbow!
Roode: Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd opportunistic blind side chop block!  Man, I'm getting good at those.  And now to
Ohno, If That Is His Real Name: Get elbowed.  In the FACE.  HARD.  A LOT.  You knocked off my shoe!?  throws it at him, connects, lines him out
Roode: This new turn of events displeases me.
Full Sailors: OHNO!  OHNO!  OHNO!  OHNO!