Friday, March 24, 2017

NXT In 60 Seconds

the Kaiser Chiefs saw this one coming
Photo Credit:
Andrade "Cien" Almas: ¡Yo soy El Idolo! poses repeatedly, rolls out when it looks like he might get touched
Oney Lorcan: Sure.  chops, European uppercuts, enzui lariat
Almas: (from the floor before getting back in) ¡Puto!  boot chokes, stomps, running slap Let's see how you like this, cabron!  powerslam on the floor
Oney: gaaaaaaaaaah
Almas: Estupido Gollum.  fireman's carry Snake Eyes, middle rope choke And now to finish this
Oney: Running Blockbuster!  Christ, my back hurts.   Euro!  Euro!  EURO!
Almas: suddenly back on the floor due to offense and not due to being a preening shit
Almas: ¿¡
You're mine now! back into the ring for a running reverse avalanche.  repeat.  repeat.  repeat.  Oh, hell, I'm getting tired.
Almas: I also do not gusta this turn of events.  So if you just want to stop, I totally unde
Almas: no me gusta :(
Almas: Kickout!  Did I kickout?  I kicked out.  I mean, of course I kicked out.  And now that I kicked out, here's a shotei in the damn jaw.
Oney: madre chingada
Almas: And now for the
Oney: Nope
Almas: Oh, no, YUP with this handspring double knee shot!  And now I'm going to
Almas: Oh, motherfucker, we're doing this.  L A R I A T O That took way longer than it should've.
Almas: You did whaaaaaaaaaaaaa oh the fuck with this I'm so done shoves into the corner, flurry of ambidexterous forearms and stomps.  You might not want to stay down.  diagonal double knees BUT YOU'RE STAYING DOWN.  hammerlock DDT  Count that shit.
Ref: does so
Almas: Dios mio, finally.
Oney: Is there a reason we're not doing this next Saturday?
Almas: Can't say yet.
Oney: Ah.
 #DIY: We've sacrificed and struggled for 12 years.  We've been peers and opponents.  We've wrestled for 5 people and 20,000.  Literally the first people we saw when we came into NXT were the Revival; they hate us and the feeling's always been mutual.  From Brooklyn to Toronto to San Antonio we've gotten our share of the ride on the emotional rollercoaster.  The AOP?  Machines with an old man at the controls with no passion, drive or heart.  Yes, you can DIY with two people; it's a mindset for everyone who's ever supported us, and come next Saturday at the new biggest show in company history, we'll have our moment.

TAFKA End: n e x t S a t u r d a y

Asuka: struts out
EMTs: get in a crouch to react quicker
Bell: rings
Asuka: grabs the mic "Ember Moon! This is your fate."  R O U N D H O U S E
Everybody: oh shit
Asuka: My style is kick!  Kick!  Kick!  Kick!
Cannon Fodder: slap
Everybody: ...
Tom Phillips: Is she on drugs?!  Why in God's name
God: Don't blame me for this, that's the other guy!
Lucifer: Actually this might even be outside of my purview.
Percy Watson: You don't DO that to somebody like
Nigel McGuiness: Possibly the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.  Whoever this rando is, she's going to die.
Smiling Gent In A Long Black Cape With A Pointy Stick: We can only hope.
Asuka: LOL this bitch tried it tho HIP ATTACK.  Daniel's not wrestling anymore, so these are mine now.  front kick again and again so on so forth yet again This bores me.  delayed release German 
Everyone Except The Smiling Gent: smdh
Asuka: BUZZSAW.  And now I kneel on her to win.
EMTs: sigh of relief
Asuka: PSYCHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE knee in the face knee in the face eat sleep knee repeat eat sleep knee repeat Ah, bored again ASUKA LOCK 
Bell: rings the loudest
Asuka: still has it on for a bit  Oh, that bell was for ME?  Oh.  releases Thought after that slap I was in trouble.  My bad.  Mic please.  yells at Ember Moon in Japanese because fuck you, that's why No Eclipse.  drops it
Everybody Except One: claps somewhat mutedly with a horrified look on their face
Smiling Gent: WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!  That's my girl right there, y'all!  Arsenio style woofing YASSSS KWEEN SLAYYYYYYYYYYYY

the Revival: Wow.  That was nuts.  Uh, anyway, we've brought the best of the past to the present and made it better.  We're the best tag team ever.  Yeah, we fight for money, Team Indie, that's the point.  And we're the ones who laid the Authors low with the Shatter Machine.  We grinded it out, got overlooked and made a name for ourselves just like your gymrat darlings except even bigger.  Next Saturday, we cement our status as the best.
Top Guys: out

Oddly Lengthy Video Package: Look at the opulent Toronto splendor Bobby Roode lives in!  Will his face live through Shinsuke kneeing it next Saturday?  Will Shin's knee?  We have some footage of him surfing if that helps any of you med school types.

Way Perfectly Strong: No Way they can win their DAMN NUMBERS GAME
Everybody: drinks
WPS: with the odds even up like this.  They'll find out why you don't play that with a Perfect 10.

jump cut to last week after the show
Kassius Ohno, If That Is His Real Name: I wanted to win the championship.  You talk to me right after the match, obviously I'm at my most disappointed.  That being said
Elias Samson: ♬ tu eres un perdidor | you're a loser, baby | so why don't you kill yourself
Ohno: ...who ARE you?
Elias: What it needs is what I am.  And you don't belong here.
Ohno: Whatever, Open Mic Jason Mantzoukas.  If I don't belong here, get me out.  You beat me, I'll leave again.  I elbow your larynx shut, you're gone.
jump back honky cat

Cien: I don't know who this Aleister Black guy is I'm facing next Saturday.  But I'm not fading to black.  I'm the one who's going to make him believe in El Idolo.

SAnitY: indiscriminate angry rambling
Roddy, Then Jose, Then Tye: Yup.  Tired of this basura.
Both Sides: throw hands
Homer Simpson: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Our Heroes: go through the carousel in segment one, culminating in a Strong tornillo
Eric Young: no no no no NO!  Strike that, flip it, reverse it.
SAnitY: goes through the carousel on THEIR side of the ring
Reset Button: eventually hit by a pair of clotheslines happening at once, per usual
E.Y.: cheapshots Tye I should be fine now right AHHHH FLYING THROUGH THE AIR
Roderick Strong: recovers enough to tag in  Backbreakers!  All the backbreakers!

Killian Dain: yeaNO
10ye: beats him up
Alexander Wolfe: beats HIM up
Jose: beats HIM up
E.Y.: beats HIM up
Drake Wuertz: Well, this certainly solved nothing.  calls for the bell Oh, God...who have I become?  What have I become?
Both Sides': recommence throwing hands
10ye: And finally, I have you where I want you.  drops the kneepad
Nikki Cross: No, you don't!  jumps on his back, then is ripped off by the woman above
Newcomer: Cross.  Bye!  jumping enzuigiri
Announcers: Who IS this mysterious woman who just laid out Nikki Cross!?
Loud Subset Of Audience: Ruby!  Ruby!  Ruby!  Ruby!
Babyfaces: THAT'S what we've been missing THIS WHOLE TIME HOLY CRAP
10ye: sends E.Y. scurrying
No Way Jose: pop up punches Alexander Wolfe
Roddy: knees Dain in the jaw
Jose: gives him a line
Tye: superkicks him out
SAnitY: squints at the ring, cocking their heads