Thursday, April 13, 2017

Ain't Gonna Stop Me Now: Time Flies

Renee Young, shown here with Tom Phillips, is the real star of Total Divas
Photo Credit:
Hey guys! So, umm, it's been a while. Looks like two and a half years have passed. We're now in a nightmare world with actual ogres and demons and whatnot. But enough about RAW, let's talk about Total Divas~ *Please don't leave, this is all I have.* Tracking my stuff, I apparently stopped around season three and we're now bowling midway through season six. I thought to catch up on this but these seasons are ENORMOUS in length. Like, 20 hour long episodes per season. My sister loves Grey's Anatomy more than any human person and has barely gotten through eight years of hour long episodes in months. So this is a recap strictly from the top of the head.

Nikki Bella! - In between becoming the West's answer to Misawa (don't @ me), Nikki was a constant. She got into real estate, John Cena, attempts at getting engaged, and then became the West's answer to Kobashi as year long Divas champion before a horrifying neck injury put her out of action but not out of fearlessness. Also, Nikki is legit a co-executive producer on Total Divas now.

Brie "Mode" Bella
- BRIE MODE! Brie made a national meme that we all now say when we get buckwild on some hot Bud Light Straw-ber-rita (dashes for emphasis please!) but she also won the heart of former best wrestler of the world Jack Danielson and now she is with baby! I love baby! Oh, also, she retired from the business and that is very sad. Hooray for baby!

Naomi - Total Divas has been a roller coaster for Naomi, a clearly talented worker who generally is the most likable person on the show. So they dumped her for a season. But she's definitely been on the show since so people probably yelled to the real world people and Kevin Dunn's two teeth that they actually need some real seeming shit while Natalya goes to a sex shop and is like "ooh, this butt plug tail would be perfect for my lil feline" or while Eva Marie gets trained by high as hell Spanky. You know, shit that makes you think you dreamed up all these random things happening passed out from that delicious straw-ber-rita. Also, Naomi's gonna kill it against Charlotte Flair.

Natalya - I'm very glad they went away from the theme of Nattie being So Mad that younger wrestlers exist and that they weren't trained at the Dungeon and whatnot. Now Nattie is just "lady confused by the skeezier things in the outside world." I mentioned that cat tail thing, which is actually not some elaborate joke premise but an actual gag in season 4's premiere, but Nattie also doesn't seem to grasp a lot of the intricacies of the younger folks. I will pay $4.95 if she doesn't understand what "thirsty" means before season's end. Please let this happen!

Eva Marie - You know, I don't dislike Eva Marie the character by any means. I've no clue where she goes after this season (I think she goes away but like, Paige is a main character still so idk) but she's kind of the rock. Her husband's some weird mash-mash of 2001 nu-metal and 2016 EDM and she's the most California this damn show will ever get again and reality shows need a good chunk of California. Just doesn't feel right without it. Then we'd be watching Chrisley or Storage Wars and not my shithot Real Housewives or KUWTK.

Ariane/Cameron - She got cut.

Summer Rae - She got Recurring Guest Starred.

Lana - Lana's debut on the show made me turn a real corner on her. She seemed very bored and not particularly good as a character starting in her second run with Rusev and she wore some awful awful stuff. But her debut on Total Divas really grounded her because, among other things, she didn't need an accent. And she's so sweet with her husband Rusev and Rusev is also real cool. She has her share of outlandish demands but not anything worse than basically everyone on the cast.

Maryse - Also a genius addition. Adding Miz and Maryse gives a smoldering chemistry. Like, Miz ain't that good an actor. He can't fake chemistry with his wife. This is some good real stuff. I also like that all of Maryse's plots are weird whims but ones that genuinely make sense and seem like she's thought about them. (The ep where she buys a gun, notwithstanding.) And again, I like that stuff. This is why I wanted to come back to Total Divas.

Paige - Too depressing

Renee Young - And finally, the true jewel of this all. Renee Young is a genuinely witty human being. She is the only person I'm willing to let get away with naming their own website something with "funny" in the title because she's actually good at comedy. I mean, that's obviously her pre-wrestling background but even then, the use of her to make a cold open stinger is a nice highlight to TD. I will say that this kind of makes her domestic life with Dean Ambrose (and yay marriage!) feel bereft of drama in comparison.

I ran out of main cast members. I think there was an Andy or a Mandy somewhere? This straw-ber-rita is kicking in too hard, probably. Also, when we see you next time, Lana becomes friends with Nia Jax and I am here for this.