Friday, May 5, 2017

NXT In 60 Seconds

Can you guess the new #1 contender?
Photo Credit:
Killian Dain: malevolent version of a thousand yard stare
Danny Burch: Hey, mate!  I'm starting to get chants now!  Maybe I can...
Dain: No.
Burch: But...
Dain: splat splut GORSH
Referee: Winner!

Heavy Machinery: You know what sounds fun is that splat splut gorsh thing.
Victims: ah geez
HM: see above
Referee: Winners! 
Tucker Knight: We like to have fun, and some protein shakes when we're not lifting weights...
Full Sailors: Shakes and weights!  Shakes and weights!
TK: But we're done with appetizers.  Bring us the main course, the Authors of Pain.  They've never gotten in the ring with beef like us.
Full Sailors: Beef! Beef! Beef! Beef!
TK: 'Cause we're getting hungry... it's about time that we ate.
Bobby Roode: saying things to Kona Reeves that will imminently get kneed out of his skull

#DIY: It's cool the big guys can rhyme.  But we've held the gold before, and we want our proper two-on-two rematch for it.  Competition's all well and good, but the line starts behind us. 

Kona Reeves: seethes
Hideo: enters
Kona: jumps him from behind This is it!  Finally, after all these weeks and months of losing, my first victory!  And I can't think of a better person to lodge it against than
Hideo: proceeds to fricassee him with kicks  Bedtime.  GTS lands
Referee: Winner! 

God's Production Team: We were here before you.  We will be here after you.  And will will never lose.  But here is what we have for you now:

Bobby Roode: ...yeah, I don't care about all that.  Boss, I'm here because Hideo is reckless.  And we have to protect the money maker!  Did you see the numbers TO: Lando did?
Master Regal: Hm.  I did hear what you said about him needing to earn a shot, and so next week he will face off with Roderick Strong, and the winner will face you in Chicago.  Yes, do come in.
Roderick Strong: stares at Roode
Roode: stares back, then leaves
Strong: Boss.

Voiceover: Fifteen women, one opportunity to get your fucking head kicked in; that's right, it's time to play the battle royale version OF...
Full Sailors: DEATH!  BY!  ASUKA!
Everybody Who Isn't Asuka: fights
Team Australia: picks off some of the cannon fodder as a unit
Nikki Cross: bounces Aliyah
Audible Subset Of Full Sailors: Thank you, Nikki!
Cross: bounces Liv Morgan too
Ember Moon: takes out one then both members of Team Australia, looks across the ring at who's left  Hmm.
Cross: looks a bit at her, but moreso at
Ruby Riot: looks back at Cross moreso than Moon
All Of Them: fight
Ember: gives Nikki the Eclipse, whales on Riot and goes up
Asuka: HIIIIII!  throws off Ember then about sends her to her death, roundhouse kicks Riot, and lays out Cross with her signature dropkick  


Full Sailors: cheering this ostensible heel, but slightly less than usual
All Three "Survivors": sell various degrees of death
Voiceover: I tried to warn them...
Master Regal: Asuka's opponent in Chicago will be....all three of you, in a fatal four way match!
All Of Them: still dead to varying degrees