Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 3, Issue 7

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Hey, do you ever think "Hey, I don't get all the news I can handle?" to yourself while the doors to your bedroom are closed and you contemplate your life? WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANYMORE, BECAUSE HORB IS HERE, BABY. Yes, that's right, I am BACK AGAIN with all the news your feeble bodies can handle, and do you know why? BECAUSE IT'S MY DUTY TO PLEASE THAT BOOTY and also provide you all the scoops that I can before spontaneously combusting into an inferno of tidbits, rumors, analysis, and Jeppsen's Malört. WILL WADE KELLER EVER PROMISE TO IMMOLATE FOR YOUR EDIFICATION? No, he only immolates if Kofi Kingston breaks kayfabe with his children. THE HORROR.

Now, you can and SHOULD read the newsletter report below, because THEMS BE SOME GOOD NEWS NUGGETS DOWN THERE. But if you want the FULL HORB EXPERIENCE, then you need to follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. You'll get it all: the breaking news, the analysis, the rumors, the angry slander, the coupon codes for McDonald's Szechuan Sauce that I hoarded from locations all this weekend. All you have to do is MASH THAT FOLLOW BUTTON. MASH IT, I DARE YOU TO. Also, if you'd like to get back issues of the newsletter, just go to your local Bloomingdale's for ordering information. However, the previously offered deal of a free ticket to HORBTOBERFEST with purchase of five back issues of the newsletter is now cancelled because HORBTOBERFEST has been cancelled. It turns out all the knockwurst was infected with botulism, and the cheddar brats were made from longpig. If you don't know what that is, do me a favor and never look it up. Anyway, still buy the back issues, like these:
  • April 6, 33 - I fully run down the Jerusalem Screwjob, where Judas Iscariot and Pontius Pilate conspired to take the Judean Heavyweight Championship from Jesus of Nazareth before he left the territory with it to go join His Heavenly Father's Kingdom Wrestling.
  • October 18, 1307 - Full analysis of the feud between the Templar stable and Papal Corporation in the French Catholic Wrestling Alliance, including the major twist where the Templars were all suspended and whether or not it was a work or whether real life promoter Clement V was acting on violations of the Spiritual Wellness Program.
  • October 19, 1492 - In-depth coverage of the first ever invasion angle, as the Christopher Columbus World Order made landfall in the Bahamas and interrupted the main event of the Mesoamerican Wrestling Federation causing a double disqualification.
  • May 11, 1860 - Shocking news of Abraham Lincoln dropping the National Wrestling Alliance Championship to run for President of the United States broke. Was the Alliance wrong to put the title on someone so not committed to wrestling?
  • September 6, 1938 - Ted Turner speaks his first words, which were oddly enough "I'm gonna buy Jim Crockett Promotions and go into business against Vince Mac-Mahon." Oddly cryptic and prophetic.
Anyway, it's time for the news:

- Neville has apparently quit WWE. He walked out of RAW on Monday night because he was asked to put Enzo Amore over again, and he was vocally angry because he never got the fruit basket for filling out his last punchcard for putting Amore over.


- ENZO AMORE HEAT WATCH: Apparently Amore is being blamed for Neville wanting to leave because it's his fault no one cares about the cruiserweights, not the months of backburner segregation and dimmed focus. Weird how that works out.

- Kevin Owens posted a picture of his kids on Instagram. Does this mean his children are starting at the Performance Center this week in an attempt to offset the loss of Neville in the cruiserweight division? Obviously not, but wouldn't it be fuckin' sweet if it was? Just hear me out.

- Ricochet is reported to be starting with WWE soon. The NXT Name Generator has already given him the name "Richard O'Shay."

- ROMAN REIGNS ON HOW IT WAS TO WRESTLE JOHN CENA: "Weird, man. He smells like Apple Cinnamon Cheerios. It's... disconcerting."

- Reigns also commented on wrestlers outside the WWE lacking originality. "People need to stop aping DX from 15 years ago. What they really should be doing is copying me, because I'm good enough, strong enough, and dammit, people like me."

- HELL IN A CELL REPORT: Sami Zayn turns on Shane McMahon because he's ungrateful for his capitalist superhuman feats of strength and instead SOLD OUT to help lifelong friend who had wronged him, Kevin Owens.

- The Shield reunited on RAW this past Monday. I asked Bryan Alvarez what this means for business, and he just stared blankly at me and asked "I don't know what you're talking about. Why don't we talk about the Latino World Order instead?"

- Bray Wyatt was held from house shows this weekend, not because he was injured, but because WWE officials didn't want to risk wearing out his shoulders taking pins so he could take higher-profile pins in the future.

- Conor McGregor is in talks to appear at WrestleMania. Sources say he's demanding to beat Big Show clean as a sheet in three minutes with Show having to admit afterwards that McGregor is stronger, tougher, and more handsome than Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

- Anthem launches Global Wrestling Network, an over-the-top streaming network where you can watch all the classic events from TNA's history, including Samoa Joe getting a penis tattooed on his face, the trials and tribulations of Claire Lynch, and the memorable main event to Victory Road 2011.

- Asuka will debut on RAW against Emma. Oddly enough, the match will take place in London on December 16, 2015.

- UFC fighter Henry Cejudo still plans on facing Sergio Pettis at UFC 218 despite having 97 percent of his skin burnt off and suffering internal decapitation during his escape from wildfires around his California home.

- Kevin Lee fought with a staph infection at UFC 216. The staph infection won via submission in round two with a triangle choke.

- Dana White blasted Jason Aldean for pulling out of a performance at UFC 216 just because he was on stage when the Las Vegas mass murderer opened fire. Aldean replied by saying "Dana White looks like a shaved penis. Who cares what he has to say."

- Cody Rhodes on WWE using his father's creations: "Sometimes it's okay. Other time's it's not. The point is, WWE has to keep asking me my opinion on these things because I am the center of the Universe."

- Hiroshi Tanahashi and Kota Ibushi will headline New Japan Power Struggle, and if you don't think I already booked a room at the local S and M Club to watch with appropriate ambiance, THINK AGAIN.

- Rocky Romero introduced Sho Tanaka and Yohei Komatsu as Roppongi 3K at NJPW King of Pro Wrestling. I swear, if you motherfuckers don't vote him Non-Wrestler of the Year, I will spit on all your graves when you die.

- Triple H was overseas, so Brian "Road Dogg" James and Shawn Michaels handled the NXT tapings this past Thursday. Be prepared for the lead into Takeover: Houston to contain a lot of racism and yet also a lot of Bible-thumping.

- Bill Goldberg appeared on the latest episode of The Goldbergs. In the episode, he speared and jackhammered the youngest kid through the Liberty Bell.

- Candace Michelle will be coming out of retirement to fight anyone who tries to vaccinate her.

- Jim Cornette took his penis out at a Bruce Prichard live show and backed down from a confrontation he instigated with Santino Marella. Since embarrassments come in threes, expect the Young Bucks to hit Mega Millions on Friday and afford to put "Suck it, Cornette" on the video board at Times Square.

- Chris Jericho has announced Jerry Lawler will co-host his cruise with Jim Ross. The sound you just heard was the final three women who hadn't already cancelled their tickets cancelling with haste.

- Col. Sanders will be available as a playable character in WWE 2K18. This news was greeted with great protest from Rick and Morty fans who demanded to be able to play as Szechuan Sauce instead.

- Several WWE superstars shared their favorite Kane memories in honor of the 20th anniversary of his debut. Daniel Bryan's memory was "That time the guy who played Mr. Belvedere sat on his own balls, and they had to stop filming for a couple of days."

- MISSY HYATT REMEMBERS LANCE RUSSELL: "Of course I remember Lance Russell. I'm not that old yet, for fuck's sake."

- Billy Corgan will be on Thursday's Tonight Show. He probably won't talk about the National Wrestling Alliance, so does this mean he has buyer's remorse? I asked former Champion Mike Rapada who said "Wow, someone wants to talk to me? I'm so goddamn flattered. Do you wanna get a pizza and maybe do a career retrospective? No? Please?"

- Daryl Takahashi got married to another cat named Carol this past weekend. The couple signed a prenup agreement, because Daryl is INGOBERNABLE, not stupid.

Last week's poll results are in, and for the first time, results are unanimous. Horb Flerbminber got 100 percent of the vote for greatest living American. This week's poll: