Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 3, Issue 9

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Guess who's back, back again? HORB IS BACK, tell a friend. And an enemy. AND 50 TOTAL STRANGERS. That's right folks, HORB FLERBMINBER ONCE AGAIN HAS ALL YOUR NEWS FOR THIS PAST WEEK and then some. I dig DEEPER than any of my peers. Hell, that's not true because HORB DON'T GOT NO PEERS. Everyone else is below me, including, no, ESPECIALLY Ryan Satin. YOU HEAR ME, TMZ BOY, YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON THE HORB, especially not assault charges from a Dubuque Hampton Inn in 2007.

Reading the newsletter owns so hard and gives me the kind of praise that keeps my grandmother's dialysis machine running. However, if you wanted to support me even MORE, you'd first follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. It's the only place you can find up-to-the-nanosecond news as well as the only outlet where I post my informative short video recipes. Just last week, I posted a recipe for chicken soup that's to die for, literally. The secret ingredient is black tar heroin! Also, be sure to order back issues of the newsletter, that is, if I can find the stupid remote. You know, it was just here a couple of minutes ago. Ah, well, the following is a list of feature issues you can order, theoretically, of course:
  • May 8, 1912 - Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua.
  • June 30, 1965 - Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat.
  • March 17, 1982 - Happy St. Patrick's Day!
  • December 20, 1989 - Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur.
  • September 5, 2001 - Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.
And now, the news

- The big news of the week is that war has broken out between RAW and Smackdown in advance of Survivor Series. The hostilities began Monday night when Smackdown's air force, on order of Shane McMahon, dropped cluster bombs on the RAW locker room, killing five and injuring 26 more. Kurt Angle ordered a Sarin nerve gas counterattack, but was talked down by his second-in-command, Roman Reigns, who didn't want to see his commandant succumb to the inhumanity of war. The sides currently are at stalemate, as the no man's land between the two trenches is wrought with landmines and gig blades used by Abdullah the Butcher.

- TLC REPORT: Feh, nothing nearly as good as the people setting up the ring at Pro Wrestling Guerrilla this weekend. You stupid fucks not paying attention to the FAR SUPERIOR WRESTLING. I SPIT AT YOU.

- Of course, the big news out of TLC was that not only did Bray Wyatt miss the show due to a viral infection, so did Roman Reigns. Vince McMahon was unhappy with the viral infection because it didn't make Reigns look st... oh, I'm getting word that making any more "MAKE ROMAN LOOK STRONG" jokes is now a felony in 45 states and punishable by death in the Central African Republic. Well, folks, I have to go to a banquet in Bangui next week, so I can't finish this item. Sorry.

- Kurt Angle made his return to a WWE ring to replace Reigns, and thankfully, he made it out without shattering into a trillion tiny little shards of Intensity, Integrity, and Intelligence.

- Braun Strowman, however, was put into the back of a trash truck, compacted, and driven out of the arena. However, I saw him walking around backstage afterwards like nothing was wrong and I was AGHAST! Why wasn't he fitted for a full body cast to commit to the gimmick? I guess some people just don't care about kayfabe anymore.

- AJ Styles replaced Wyatt against Finn Bálor, and you better believe I was hootin' and hollerin' when they Too Sweeted after the match. WWE REALLY CLAPPED BACK AT THE BULLET CLUB, YEAH BOYEEEEEEEEE.

- Nia Jax allegedly walked out of WWE on advice from her cousin, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Once she gave that reasoning, WWE officials held the door open for her and told her to take as much time as she needed and please don't say anything bad to Cousin Rocky please please PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON TOP.

- Survivor Series will have four Champion vs. Champion matches, and none of them will matter.

- Impact Wrestling has announced it's no longer affiliated with Global Force Wrestling after the erratic behavior of Jeff Jarrett. "Quite frankly, we're sickened and disturbed by Jarrett's behavior," said Ed Nordholm. "We are firm believers in the Federal Reserve and curse any attempt at going back to the Gold Standard."

- Kevin Owens left the Smackdown South American tour Saturday to attend to a family matter. While he is not sharing what the issue is, I am transparently speculating that he had to deal with an issue of his family's greatest rival, The Cavity Creeps. The Steen family believes strongly in dental hygiene, you know.

- TLC REPORT REPORT: The above report? Yeah you rubes, that was a test to see how many of you are stupid enough to accuse me of working you.

- PWG RESULTS: Ricochet defeated Chuck Taylor to win the promotion's title and then immediately went into the crowd and choked Justin Roberts by his tie "just to get it over with."

- LUCHA UNDERGROUND SEASON THREE FINALE: Prince Puma takes whole episode to sing the Rolling Stones' "I'm Free."

- Paul Fontaine has been shot by Vince McMahon's executioner's squad for pointing out that the RAW ratings drop from first to third hours this past Monday was the largest in show history. I know he was just the messenger but still.

- Shawn Michaels will referee the NXT World Championship match between Drew McIntyre and Adam Cole in San Antonio, TX on November 17. NXT officials thought it was a good move because with his drifting eye, he can keep a good look on both competitors even if they're on opposite sides of the ring from each other.

- The Bullet Club has officially invited the McMahon family to the next Ring of Honor show. When the McMahons initially rebuked the offer, Cody Rhodes offered to treat them to dinner at Tavern on the Green, anything they want off the menu, even surf and turf.

- Kenny Omega has been added to ROH Supercard of Honor XII because the company has only sold three tickets so far, one to Brandi Rhodes and two to the Young Bucks' wives.

- Conor McGregor called his fighter Andres Fili a "f*****" after his match this weekend. I hope all you FAKE wrestlers were sitting under the learning tree when that happened. Best on promos.

- Jim Ross told Colin Cowherd he thinks WWE will get a date out of McGregor. "I will firebomb Titan Towers if Vince doesn't offer him at least a contract for Mania. SAUCE IT!"

- Smart Mark Video and Powerbomb TV announced a partnership where SMV titles will be available on PBTV starting November 1. Meanwhile, FloSlam officials were busy trying to photocopy fruit roll-ups at the public library.

- Gabe Sapolsky on Twitter answered criticism over how he's run EVOLVE and WWN Live with this quote: "DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM? I AM GABRIEL THE BIG SWINGIN' DICK SAPOLSKY, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. KNEEL WHEN YOU ARE IN MY PRESENCE, FUCKBAG."

- Davey Boy Smith, Jr. saved a woman from committing suicide Sunday. He was driving along a bridge and saw her on the side. He pulled her down to safety, but the woman suffered a cracked rib when Smith instinctively pulled her in for the running powerslam. He apologized profusely afterwards.

- The Trentonian had Honky Tonk Man on the cover of its Sunday issue. However, it was because he robbed a jewelry store in Ewing Township, NJ.

- Paramaribo.

- Taryn Terrell left Impact Wrestling. Fuck, I didn't even know she re-signed there.

- Teddy Hart missed bookings this weekend and will miss them in the foreseeable future, as he's fighting cattle rustling charges in Texas.

Last week's poll results are in, and it looks like rain for the next fortnight off and on. This week: