Monday, October 16, 2017

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for October 16, 2017

Don't mess with Nigel Bradham, dorks
Photo via Associated Press
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Nigel Bradham (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Several Eagles contributed to the team's defeat of the Carolina Panthers (and the officials) on Thursday, but none were more TITANIC than Bradham's, who even potentially injured himself to force a fourth down. Bradham was all over the field, making sure no Panther was able to take a step without fearing for his safety. Because of his efforts, the Eagles are in first place in the entire National Football Conference. Fly Eagles Fly!

2. Toni Storm (Last Week: 1) - Storm had the weekend off, at least according to Cagematch. Maybe she worked, maybe she didn't. Either way, I think it'd be nice to have her above the cut again this week, wouldn't you agree? Good, I'm glad everyone could come to this accord. Thank you.

3. Jazzy Gabert (Last Week: Not Ranked) - It'd be one thing if she were just bulldozing fools in the ring, and she did. But man, she posted this selfie and imagine not enjoying her not only destroying jabronis in the ring AND looking extra 100 percent fly like that. Couldn't be me.

4. Gochujang (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED RANKINGS - Oh my god, I bought some of this last week and tried it tonight, and it's amazing. It's not like any other hot sauce or paste I've ever had before, but it's spicy and funky. Like it has a rich, deep, intense flavor that I guess only comes with fermenting. I don't think it's all that useful as a solo condiment — it's way too viscous to spread easily — but I very much look forward to using it in recipes and as a sauce component.

5. Michael Elgin (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Elgin not only won the inaugural Jim Lynam Memorial Tournament, but he hurried down to St. Louis from Chicago to promote a bomb-ass Glory Pro show the next day. All in a weekend's work for BIG MIKE.

6. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 3) - I didn't want to dock him too much because it took three guys, and not only any three guys, but perhaps the three most special guys in recent WWE history when paired together to kick his shit in Monday. But man, I bet Toni Storm wearing a tiny hat would've beaten back The Shield by herself. Do better, Beast Among Men.

7. Asuka (Last Week: 5) - Remember the last time someone said they were ready for Asuka? I don't, because NOBODY IS READY FOR ASUKA. Not even Emma at TLC.

8. Joel Embiid (Last Week: 9) - Embiid followed up signing for that cabbage last week with A-plus trash talk on Twitter. Hassan Whiteside thinks he's got game? THINK AGAIN. His +/- is trash, y'all. Sure, it's only the preseason, but the regular season begins tomorrow. I don't know where the Sixers will place this year. The playoffs seem dangerously close for a team that will be attempting to gel for the first time, but man, if Embiid plays 60 games this year at a high level, it's hard to imagine the team not going far, right?

9. Lockjaw (Last Week: 8) - Poor space pupper spent most of this past week's Inhumans nursing injuries sustained from taking an ATV to the ribcage. Poor, good moon dog. He also remains the only likable member of the main cast, as everyone else seems intent on flaunting their privilege in annoying ways. I know the source material demands that the protagonists rely on slave labor, but unless the showrunner is making a deliberate attempt to comment on Hillary Clinton's and her surrogates' defense of her use of slave labor at the Arkansas Governor's Mansion (which I doubt because he's the same guy who did the first season of Iron Fist), he's not doing a good job translating that material into wanting to root for Black Bolt and Medusa. Or Maximus. Or anyone but Lockjaw. What a good dog.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - When I say someone's here for porkin', it's my man Oney, not lame-ass Aaron Sorkin.