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| Seriously, why would anyone piss Braun Strowman off? Photo Credit: WWE.com |
1. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 6) - It took like seven other dudes and a trash truck to put Strowman down last night, and even then, does anyone really think he's not showing up tonight with pieces of mangled garbage truck as his armor? All they did last night was piss him off. I thought at least Sheamus and Cesaro were smarter than that.
2. Toni Storm (Last Week: 2) - Storm's birthday was this past week, and I hope that everyone got her a nesting doll of hats tinier than the last.
3. Stokely Hathaway (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Big Stoke doin' thangs, now managing the Independent Heavyweight Champion Jonathan Gresham in addition to the rest of his Dream Team all over the indies. If you're not managed by Hathaway, then what the heck is your problem?
4. Asuka (Last Week: 7) - Even though Emma got in a bit more offense than I had expected, Asuka proved that at least one member of the RAW roster wasn't ready for her. Now, bring on Brock Lesnar, motherfuckers!
5. New Belgium Brewing Co. Citradelic Tangerine IPA (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - My youngest brother got married over the weekend, and we, as in the bridal party, got a party bus. My contribution to the alcohol-soaked party was a 12 pack of this brew, which actually tasted like a dryer version of Orangina. In terms of IPAs, it was eminently drinkable, like no bitterness and all the refreshing citrus. I'm a fan.
6. LeVeon Bell and JuJu Smith-Schuster (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Eagles don't play until tonight, so I can't award a BEEFY BOY OF THE WEEK unless they win tonight. However, Bell and Smith-Schuster make up the NFL content for this week's list with the best touchdown celebration I've seen since the league relaxed the rules this offseason. Maybe if Bell looked UNDER the goalpost, he'd actually have found Joe Horn's old cellphone though.
7. Jordynne Grace (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I'm not even sure if she won her match vs. Angelus Layne at Futures, although I'm sure it was goddamn good given the principals involved, but man, she sure won against another troll-faced dickwad who wanted to know why a man would wrestle a woman other than to intentionally get cooties. By the way, the match in question is vs. Fred Yehi, which is gonna be a hoot cuz anything involving either one of these wrestlers is, by definition, a hoot.
8. Joel Embiid (Last Week: 8) - Yeah, it hasn't been the best start for the Sixers, but Embiid is out there ballin' his ass off. Look, starting 0-3 is not ideal, but this is a young team full of guys playing together for the first time for the most part. Hell, look at the game the Sixers lost by the most; it was the one he didn't play in because of his minutes restriction and cautiousness for his injury history. This team is going to make a run, and when it does, Embiid will be the firestarter. Or Ben Simmons will. Either way, goddamn, I still Trust the Process, motherfuckers.
9. Lockjaw (Last Week: 9) - Look, I'm gonna level with you; I didn't see the most recent episode, but I'm confident enough in assuming Lockjaw was the best dang part of it.
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - I can neither confirm nor deny that Lorcan is here for viral meningitis, but he's definitely here for porkin'.
