Monday, October 30, 2017

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for October 30, 2017

Still reigning
Screen Grab via WWE YouTube
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Toni Storm (Last Week: 2) - Another weekend, another round of dominating the British Isles for Toni Storm. Honestly, I'm shocked, SHOCKED that she hasn't kicked off a tiny hat craze because of how good and powerful she is at the wrestling.

2. Kris Wolf (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I have only seen Wolf in action via gifs of her promos, like here, and I feel like she's the best thing in all of wrestling, not just joshi or STARDOM, but all of wrestling. I wanna see her feasting on ALL THE MEAT.

3. Juju Smith-Schuster (Last Week: 6, along with LeVeon Bell) - Smith-Schuster kept momentum rolling from his touchdown celebration by rejecting notorious sports troll and former-turned-current again adult actress Mia Khalifa and then torching the Detroit Lions for 193 yards and a touchdown. He even had the quips on Twitter about it. Even though he plays for the Steelers, one of the league's least likable franchises, he's becoming one of the league's most likable players. I'm here for it.

4. Asuka (Last Week: 4) - I wouldn't read too much into Asuka's duet of matches with the now-released Emma, if just because showing that she can wrestle the grind style is probably more important to her overall future than anything. She acquitted herself well, to be honest. Still, I just can't shake the nagging feeling that if WWE knew it was going to release Emma — and a release like that doesn't feel out of nowhere — then why not have Asuka just ice her in 30 seconds at the pay-per-view at least? I guess you could say that RAW is not ready for Asuka either.

5. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 1) - He didn't appear on RAW, but recovery isn't instant. He's gotta rest at least a week, man. I heard he's recovering in R'lyeh with Cthulhu, the only other being on the planet who can match him for raw destructive ability.

6. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - On the scale of Halloween candies, with circus peanuts and Necco wafers at absolute zero and Kit Kat at ten, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are a solid 16,000. The absolute best possible Trick-or-Treat reward, and it's not even close. Beware trying to raid them from your children, however, because they may rightly divorce you at best or justifiably assault you at worst.

7. Timmy Jernigan (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Eagles defense is a monster, and it all starts up front with the big hogs in the middle of the line. Fletcher Cox rightly gets a lot of press, but I wanna talk about Jernigan, who has been playing out of his mind this whole season. Anytime someone tries to run on him, he swallows him up like Kirby in the middle of the fray in Green Greens. I thought losing Benny Logan was going to be a big hit, but Jernigan has more than replaced him.

8. Ben Simmons (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Gotta give equal time to each of the Sixers' young guns, especially now while they're healthy and not at the mercy of Dr. Nick Riviera and the rest of the teams' quack medical staff. Anyway, Simmons is showing why he was the consensus top prospect coming out of college in 2016. I'm pretty sure he and Joel Embiid could win every promotion's tag team titles within a week if they wanted to, but they're dedicated to bringing a title home to Philly. Gotta love that.

9. Lockjaw (Last Week: 9) - As this dumpster fire of a season of Inhumans has evolved, problem after problem has come wriggling out of the woodwork like maggots feeding on a days-dead corpse. In the beginning, the show focused on a patently unlikable Royal Family that supported a literal caste system as the protagonists. As the season went on, the show started to strip the characters of their powers so that it was like watching a superhero show with depowered superheroes. Then it went and killed two key characters — Triton in the premiere and Gorgon in the latest episode. All of it could be forgiven if the writing was good or the storytelling compelling, but man, it's almost like the dude who pooped out Iron Fist as the worst Marvel Netflix installment shouldn't have been tasked with presenting Marvel's most tenuous comics property on television with a shoestring budget. Oh, and if you don't think Scott Buck was the problem on Iron Fist, watch The Defenders and see how much better Danny Rand, Colleen Wing, and especially Bakuto are framed and written. It's night and day. Anyway, sorry for the rant, but Lockjaw, in defiance to all of these circumstances, still owns and deserves all your metahuman pets and treats.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Well, those of you doubting that Oney Lorcan was here for porkin', well, YOU SICK FREAKS.