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| Much like their MYC bout pictured above, Storm was victorious over Viper in Germany this weekend Photo Credit: WWE.com |
1. Toni Storm (Last Week: 2) - Another day, another tournament under her belt. Storm won the Westside Xtreme Wrestling Femme Fatales tournament on Saturday, defeating Jinny Couture, Wesna Busic, and her old pal Viper (Piper Niven). Hopefully, she celebrated the occasion with a tiny German hat, but even if she didn't, I can't blame her.
2. Ryan Rosenblatt (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - This year's Doritos Locos Throwdown, or the #DoLoThroDo17, took place Saturday, and as usual, a gaggle of Twitter gadflies took to Taco Bell to consume as many cross-branded tacos as possible. Rosenblatt was the one who came out of the weekend with the most glory to his house, as he consumed 30 Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos, setting a new record in the cruiserweight division. Congratulations, and please visit your cardiologist, because that amount of sodium intake in one hour's time certainly can't be good for the ol' ticker!
3. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 4) - He's now mollywomped all three members of The Shield on separate occasions. Forget the group reuniting tonight. I'm excited to see if Strowman is able to detach his jaw and consume all three of them whole at the same time, thus cementing his dominance in WWE and putting world powers like China, Russia, and even the United States on notice.
4. Carson Wentz (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Wentz had his best day as a pro yesterday, throwing four touchdown passes, two on beautifully thrown deep balls, and basically farting in the faces of every dork on Draft Twitter who said he was Ryan Leaf with red hair. Of course, the same geeks at Pro Football Focus gave him a similar game score to Jay Cutler and Tyrod Taylor. Between that and the frothingly angry nerds mad that McDonald's didn't have enough shitty nugget sauce for their consumption over the weekend, it's a banner time to remind everyone that maybe nerd culture was a mistake.
5. Asuka (Last Week: 6) - Eh, I'm not taking her off the list. Would you? Didn't think so.
6. Mistico (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Apparently, he showed up to the CMLL show Friday night with a sword. I think that deserves placement, don't you?
7. Jose Altuve (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Altuve set the tone for the Astros' three games to one victory in the American League Divisional Series over the Red Sox by blasting three home runs in the first game. Given that Altuve is shorter than the average 205 Live competitor (yet still a whole three feet taller than Ben Shapiro), each one of his home runs should count for three Aaron Judge homers. Sorry, I don't make the rules. Or maybe I do. Maybe I do.
8. Lockjaw (Last Week: 8) - Not only was he a good, good boy for taking his (in)human Crystal down to earth, he even had a plushie doll of himself at the New York Comic Con. What an incredibly good beast.
9. Joel Embiid (Last Week: Not Ranked) - You say "wah the Sixers overpaid for a guy who has only played 31 games in three years." I say "revenue and capital is the property of those who generate it, and Joel Embiid should make even more money while Josh Harris and the other Sixers' owners are forced to work in the salt mines for all eternity." That and giving him that contract, even with the protections against injury, shows that he's probably healthy and ready to lead the team to a billion NBA Championships. Sorry, those are just facts.
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - I defy anyone to make outrageous claims that Oney Lorcan is here for anything but porkin'. I DARE YOU.
