Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Wrestling Six Packs: Wrestlers Who'd Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

He's a zombie here, but Strowman would be the most effective zombie hunter I can think of
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Zombieism isn't real, at least not yet. However, it doesn't stop people from imagining a future when undead or half-dead beings roam the earth, looking for brains and destruction. Zombies dominate pop culture: movies, television, even music. WWE even got in on the act this year by doing a zombie photoshoot with its wrestlers. But which wrestlers and wrestling personalities best survive a zombie apocalypse? I have a few suggestions in this week's six pack...

1. Braun Strowman - In addition to being huge and fearsome, Strowman clearly has supernatural powers. He's been crushed in the back of an ambulance and walked away with a slight limp and some blood. He was compacted in the back of a trash truck, and it only granted him the powers of Trash Truck Warp Zoning, which is only slightly more disgusting than Mario and Luigi using sewer pipes to get around the Mushroom Kingdom. In addition to all this, his 40 yard dash time, as referenced last night on RAW, probably would get him at least a second round grade among all defensive or offensive linemen in the NFL Draft. Sure, zombies might be able to crowd around him, but no way they're infecting him before he throws them off about 100 yards into the distance. Strowman would probably have ended the conflict North of the Wall in Game of Thrones within the first episode. I want him on my side if the zombies start to proliferate.

2. Kane - While his brother Undertaker is reputed to be literally dead and thus immune to zombie powers, Kane is decidedly either still alive or even better, a supernatural demonic being who is also super into Austrian economics. Well, that last part isn't exactly germane to the conversation. Anyway, Kane not only may not be sympathetic to zombies, but he's got the most effective way of dealing with them — fire. Then again, WWE cut back on pyro to save costs, so would Kane be rendered ineffective? Nonsense! He's the Libertarian Demon of Knox County, TN! He can conjure fire just fine.

3. New Jack - Fire is one way of dealing with zombies, but blunt force trauma is another. New Jack specializes in that, whether it be his shopping cart full of plunder or his blatant disregard for his opponent's safety. New Jack shooting on poor saps is not at all a laughing matter, but that kind of ruthlessness might be needed when the zombies take over.

4. Fray Tormenta - Yet another way to deal with the undead is holiness, and who better than a priest-slash-luchador? Tormenta is a legitimately ordained priest who not only gimmicked his priesthood for the ring, but kept it secret for so many years. He's a legit badass and one who can shove his blessed foot up so many zombie's asses that he'd be an essential ally in the war against the army of the dead, even as he progresses into his 70s. Besides, luchadores never really retire. They just keep fighting and fighting until one day, they're at their funeral.

5. Drago - Speaking of luchadores, Drago in Lucha Underground canon is an actual dragon. Game of Thrones has taught us nothing except that dragons are really, really effective at fighting zombies, just as long as you keep them away from ice golems who can throw spears really far and with great accuracy. In this case, unless Glacier falls to the undead side of things, Drago seems to be pretty much a safe bet to survive and thrive in a post-zombie world.

6. Shelly Martinez - Martinez is undead, but a different kind. See, she's a vampire, which means hey, zombies can't really hurt her. No one's really ever heard of a zombie vampire anyway, right? RIGHT? Anyway, she might even be able to slip into the zombies' ranks and attack from within. She'd be a valuable asset in the coming wars.