Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 3, Issue 14

Photo Credit:
Well, well, well, guess who's back after the Thanksgiving break. NO, IT'S NOT SLIM SHADY, it is I, HORB FLERBMINBER. After you gluttons GORGED yourself on food this past week, the time has come for you to STUFF YOUR BRAIN STOMACH with all the tidbits of news that I can offer you, which is INFINITE. You HEAR ME? INFINITE. Who else offers that kind of capacity for information? DAVE MELTZER SURE DOESN'T. And don't even get me started on 411 Mania. MORE LIKE 411 NEWS TIDBITS PER YEAR, which is fewer than two per day. SAD.

Now, if you're content with only a fraction of the news I can offer, fine, just read this post and share it with everyone you know, whether you love them or hate them. CRAM MY NEWSLETTER INTO THE BRAINS OF YOUR ENEMIES. However, if you wish to get the FULL HORB EXPERIENCE, I suggest you follow me on Twitter dot com, @HorbFlerbminber. Who knows when the major news will drop except for YOU if you follow me. As a bonus, I'll randomly DM you with leaked images of wrestler colonoscopies. What did doctors find in Brutus Beefcake's rectum? FOLLOW ME TO FIND OUT. You can also order back issues of the newsletter, like these:
  • [null set]
See? Chock full of information! And now, the news.

- Cody Rhodes and the Young Bucks are planning to self-finance a 10,000 seat show in 2018, mainly because Sinclair Broadcasting Group has earmarked all its extra funds that could have been allocated for Ring of Honor for "doing fascism," according to SBG representative Shadowy Figure in a Trenchcoat.

- Rhodes and the Bucks have narrowed down their location choices to Ontario, CA, Chicago, IL, San Francisco, CA, and London, England, mainly because the large arenas there are the only ones that allow people to list "spite" as a reason for asking for a permit to run an event.

- David Otunga has received custody of his children after ex Jennifer Hudson admitted to lying about instances of abuse to cover up her cheating on him. However, after the ruling, Hudson removed her mask to reveal she was actually Goldust the whole time, and that this was all to set up an angle for the December 25th episode of RAW.

- Batista has been in talks to return to WWE. He said that if he came back, he'd do a full schedule, house shows and everything, and would finally reveal to the world how big his dick is.

- Brock Lesnar is advertised for the December 18th episode of RAW in Providence, RI. He only agreed to work the show because he was already in town for the 69th Annual Rhode Island Lobster Roll Eating competition, of which he's the six-time defending Champion.

- Vince McMahon has reportedly decided against Finn Bálor getting a shot at Lesnar at the Royal Rumble because he's "not over enough." Oh yeah Vince? If he's not over enough, then how come my informal poll over at The Board~! of five respected posters said that he was their favorite, huh? HUH? Thought so, you old out of touch bastard.

- Paige's group on RAW was revealed to be named "Absolution." In response, Ruby Riott's group's name was revealed to be "Forgiveness."

- Dean Ambrose's marriage to Renee Young was finally acknowledged on-air on RAW this week, which means Vince McMahon has finally noticed it and now has the irresistible urge to cuck Ambrose and break the union up.

- Kurt Angle revealed that he worked Survivor Series with a torn muscle in his leg. HE said he didn't notice because he stopped feeling pain below his waist after sixth spinal fusion surgery.

- Matt Hardy did his "DELETE" arm motion repeatedly and showed signs of becoming broken. While Ed Nordholm doesn't seem to be all too eager to settle, Vince McMahon told me "A LEGAL BATTLE AGAINST TNA WOULD MAKE THE UNITED STATES' INVASION OF GRENADA LOOK LIKE WORLD WAR I. FUCK YOU."

- STARRCADE REPORT: Arn Anderson gave a spinebuster to Dolph Ziggler, but what the cameras didn't show was Tully Blanchard leaving the arena with Lana, infuriating Rusev and causing him to challenge the former Horseman to a cage match at next year's event.

- The reason why Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson weren't on the Starrcade card is because they're quitting the company and going back to New Japan Pro Wrestling. I know this because they did something cryptic on Twitter, and my uncle, who works for Nintendo, told me that Takaaki Kidani explicitly told him this was happening.

- People keep asking me if wrestlers in 205 Live are on the same level as those in Pro Wrestling Guerrilla, and I can't believe people would be SO GODDAMN STUPID TO SUGGEST SOMETHING LIKE THAT. No one on 205 Live would ever be considered to be booked on a PWG show. Ever. Not in the past, not in the present.

- Tenille Dashwood's first dates for after her WWE release have been announced, and Lio Rush has mocked all of them as being small potatoes.

- Nick Gage went on a three state killing spree this weekend... oh no, wait, he was just booked to wrestle a three indie shows. Same difference.

- Matt Sydal went on a bizarre Twitter rant accusing ACH of stealing moves from Austin Aries, including the brainbuster and the 450 splash. Later on, I called Sydal's drug dealer, because goddamn, he's on some good shit.

- Alberto el Patron said that he was considering retiring from wrestling because of mean things people have said to him on Twitter.

- Dana White has said that Volkan Oezdemir will still get the next shot at Daniel Cormier despite being charged with aggravated battery earlier this month. In other news, White doesn't just look like a shaved penis.

- Daisuke Sekimoto has been announced for three shows during WWN Live's WrestleMania weekend festivities. Those shows, oddly enough, are all seminars which Lenny Leonard will put over during the Best of 87 series between Caleb Konley and Kaleb Conley.

- Rey Mysterio and Penta El Zero M among others have been announced for the first AroLucha show. They'll be jobbing to two guys with blond hair and blue eyes.

- Ring of Honor will be broadcast on Stadium, which is another channel you probably don't get.

- Drew McIntyre tore his biceps at Takeover: War Games. He will be out until the first week of April, which means he'll actually be out until July because everything in NXT is graded on a curve.

- Bill Goldberg will appear on an episode of The Flash, which oddly enough isn't a documentary series about most of his WCW matches.

- Ricky Morton will be appearing at the Wendy's in Lebanon, TN to order a Baconator, a large order of fries, and a diet Coke. Expect a run-in from his cardiologist who has put him on a special diet.

Alright, last week's poll results in, and 54 percent of you prefer stuffing at Thanksgiving, 44 percent mashed potatoes, and the other two percent like stabbing the foreheads of your relatives with forks because you've been possessed by warging spirit of Abdullah the Butcher. This week: