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| JERICHO IN NEW JAPAN? DRINK IT IN, MAAAAAAN Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Anyway, I'm here to give you all the best news and gossip, but I swear to God, if you think that's the only thing I have to offer, I will punch you in the spleen. I'LL DO IT, JUST ASK HARRY HOUDINI. You can do two things to get EVEN MORE MOTHER'S MILK FROM ME. You can subscribe to my Twitter account, @HorbFlerbminber. Not only do I offer the up to the minute scoops, I also give you the best gossip and post videos of footage I got from the drone I have following John Zandig around 24/7. HE still hasn't caught on yet! Also, you can order back issues of the newsletter. How? Just press the button below:
Go ahead, press the blue MORE! And now, the news.
- Chris Jericho will wrestle Kenny Omega at WrestleKingdom 12. I responded to this by deleting every bit of slander I printed about him since he debuted for WWE in 1999 and replaced it with boundless praise for FINALLY working for a wrestling company worth a damn again.
- Meanwhile, New Japan has announced that it will return to Long Beach on March 25 next year, making it the biggest show to happen in the first four months of 2018 by far.
- AJ Styles made history by becoming the first ever person to win the WWE Championship in the United Kingdom, continuing the UK's long tradition of being racist towards South Asians.
- Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose lost the RAW Tag Team Championships to Sheamus and Cesaro after New Day appeared and distracted them by performing in its entirety the play Their Eyes Were Watching God.
- John Cena was announced as the final member of Smackdown's Survivor Series team, oddly enough, during Election Night returns in New Jersey.
- This contradicts reports that Cena would referee the Brock Lesnar/Jinder Mahal match at Survivor Series, which were leaked to me by anonymous backstage source CJ Perry.
- Jason Jordan was announced as the final member of RAW's team on the actual RAW telecast, a bold move going with the new guy getting booed mercilessly for reasons out of his control instead of Roman Reigns, the old guy getting booed mercilessly for reasons out of his control.
- Speaking of Reigns, he will return to RAW Monday, presumably to pick up his antiviral medication from Miz who's holding it hostage in the most heelish move of the entire year.
- Triple H replaced Reigns in The Shield during the UK house show tour. His next move will be to kneecap Xavier Woods so he can team with New Day, and then literally murder Luke Gallows so he can Too Sweet AJ Styles and Karl Anderson.
- Receiving word that the Bullet Club has received a cease and desist from reacting to that last news item.
- Kurt Angle is wrestling at house shows now, in case you thought WWE actually gave a flying fuck about worker safety.
- Pete Dunne unexpectedly debuted on RAW Monday to confront Enzo Amore. The move wouldn't have been unexpected if people paid attention to Triple H when he showed up at Insane Championship Wrestling on Saturday, but the crowd was split between people making heart eyes at him and frothily yelling for his head.
- ENZO AMORE HEAT WATCH: Apparently, the Dunne forearm to start their match was a shoot, and Dunne received a bonus for it.
- Sin Cara has been cleared to return from the knee injury he suffered while kicking the ever loving shit out of Amore for speaking when he wasn't spoken to.
- Ric Flair's 30 for 30 documentary aired on ESPN last night, notable for featuring Undertaker on camera out of character. Surprisingly, he has a Scottish accent and likes to wear nothing but an apron and a beer koozie on his scrotum.
- Alberto el Patron returned to Impact Wrestling at Bound for Glory and cut a promo about how the company screwed him by suspending him when he was accused of domestic violence. Folks, I can't write a joke for this that is better than what Impact itself has become.
- Impact's parent company, Anthem, will be paying folks to sit in the crowd for the next slate of television tapings. In order to make room for the extra added cost, Abyss will not be paid for the next six months.
- Taya Valkyrie missed Bound for Glory because she was too embarrassed to be seen on Impact.
- Stephen Amell will be appearing for Ring of Honor on November 17 in San Antonio. He and Cody Rhodes will put aside their differences so that they can act really bitchy about WWE not asking permission to put one of its top titles on someone grossly underqualified, a move his Rhodes' dad invented when he strapped Ronnie Garvin.
- All of Bram's simultaneous 3,492 contracts with Impact Wrestling have expired, and now, he's a free agent.
- Revolution Pro Wrestling was asked if the company would still book Bram, and representatives said he was a good person, more proof that wrestling promoters are the most clueless people on planet Earth.
- Robert Whittaker announced that he'd be down to fight Georges St. Pierre anytime, any place. St. Pierre replied by offering him out for "a fair one" in the school yard at 4:30, after all the teachers have gone home.
- Latest male Tough Enough winner Josh Bredl was released from the company, which is weird since I thought he was released before signing his contract after winning.
- Sawyer Fulton and Leo Gao were also released from their contracts. To show how generous he was with his severance, Triple H gave them both 50 coupons apiece for Triple H Brand Dietary Supplements, Now With 50 Percent More HGH.
- Triple H and Stephanie McMahon sent a gift basket to Birdie Jo Danielson, Bryan and Brie Bella's daughter, that contained Triple H Brand Baby Formula, Now With 78 Percent More HGH.
- Davey Richards is taking 2018 off from pro wrestling bookings, which only means he'll be no-showing events that he wasn't advertised for instead of ones he was booked for.
Last week's poll results are in, and 86 percent of you think Holzerman putting his foot through his ceiling is hilarious and 14 percent think it was REALLY fucking hilarious. This week:
