Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Wrestling Six Packs: Wrestling Moves I Wanna See Donald Trump Get Put In

I definitely wanna see ZSJ mangle Trump's arm something fierce
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
A year ago or so today, America went DEFCON-1 politically and elected Donald Trump President. Since then, the world's been on fire. To be fair, it's not all his fault, but most of it is, and he's not only evil but he doesn't care about even coming off as anything but in it for himself. I mean, don't take this as a tacit endorsement of George W. Bush and his bullshit evil Presidency, but he at least tried to hide it better. Trump also has the distinction of being involved in wrestling. He hosted two WrestleMania events and engaged in a trial by combat with Vince McMahon at another with both parties using proxies on their behalf. He's also in the Hall of Fame, which is all you need to know about that Hall and its legitimacy. Anyway, Trump really grates at me, and the following are six wrestling moves I wanna see him get put in, along with the wrestlers I want to see put him in said hold.

1. That Armbreaker Thingy Where Zack Sabre, Jr. Stands Your Hand on the Mat and Stomps Your Elbow, by, Duh, Zack Sabre, Jr. - Wrestling is a notoriously conservative business, so it's rare to find not only a liberal but a LEFTIST wrestler like Sabre. This move for which a concise name I do not know is one of his early match staples, and it looks gnarly. I would love to imagine him putting Trump's out-of-shape ass into so many pretzel shapes with the stiffness turned up to 11, but this move would be the most satisfying, especially if he did it on his dominant arm so he'd lose all his ability to golf.

2. MMA Elbows by Bryan Danielson - The MMA Elbows aren't necessarily used in MMA. They're elbows that Danielson on the indies and, oddly enough, CM Punk in WWE would drive into the back of a seated opponent's neck. Danielson is another wrestler with refreshingly left politics (despite his campaign efforts for Glenn "Kane" Jacobs, sigh), so one would expect extra mustard with those elbows on the back of Trump's leathery neck.

3. A Knee Lift to the Face by Mustafa Ali - Trump has attacked a lot of groups since beginning his campaign for President, none with more fervor than Muslims, which is why I wanna see Mustafa Ali murk the shit out of this gasbag of a world leader. Ali's finisher, the imploding 450 splash, looks pretty, but I'm not sure it gets the job done the way a simple knee lift to Trump's fucking ugly, hateful mug would.

4. Kneeling Uppercutting Low Blow by Candice LeRae - Trump has attacked women throughout his entire career, even bragging that he grabs them right in their genital areas. Honestly, one good turn deserves another, so he deserves a good, old-fashioned, No Mercy-style uppercut to the junk. Why Candice LeRae? Well, I don't know her politics, but given her history wrestling men, she just feels like the right choice.

5. Stinger Splash by Ryoto Hama - Look, I'm not gonna lie to you, I just wanna see a big fat wrestler smush Trump against a hard, fixed object like a ringpost.

6. Being Thrown Through Plate Glass by John Zandig - This one is less a wrestling move, but hey, it gets done in a wrestling match, so it counts. I don't mean to project my politics on JOHN F'N ZANDIG, because that only sets one up for disappointment. For all I know, he could be a hardcore Trumpkin. However, I do know he'd probably do anything for a four-digit payday, transportation, a case of beer, and a chance to make headlines with a big ol' insane deathmatch spot. If Zandig were to do this, would he become the greatest American? It's hard to say, but I'd have to agree it would.