Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 3, Issue 15

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Well hello everyone of my LOYAL READERS. HORB FLERBMINBER is back again with all the news you can handle in one sitting. I ASKED THE SURGEON GENERAL FOR THE RIGHT AMOUNT. It just keeps coming. I sit and wonder, will the news ever stop? Will a day ever come when nothing will be out there for reporting, and I can finally take a long-awaited vacation from this misery that is my life of hanging out in smoky bingo halls, waiting at drop points for packages from sources in WWE, trolling the dark web for info that might be useful? And when I feel like it's right there for me that I can finally book a week off to go hiking in the Andes Mountains, to see the Nazca Lines and explore the Incan ruins around Machu Picchu, Roman Reigns fails a drug test, or Jeff Jarrett runs naked through Nashville, drunk as a skunk on Brass Monkey, and I have to be there to get all the dirt. My life is an ourobouros... what was I saying? OH YEAH, SOMETHING SOMETHING BRUCE MITCHELL CAN'T HOLD MY JOCK, I AM THE KING OF NEWS.

Anyway, if you can't get enough of my NEWS TIDBITS here in the newsletter, I urge you to follow me on TWITTER DOT COM, @HorbFlerbminber. You can get all the BREAKING NEWS and HOT GOSS as it happens, like that time Vince McMahon set off an EMP in Chicago to rib CM Punk, or the rumors around Dave Meltzer's underground dwarf fight club. I hear the winners get to choose who gets to go in the WON Hall of Fame, which explains Randy Orton's selection. You can also order some older issues of the newsletter, like these:
  • January 27, 1982 - I point out where you can see Harley Race's hog in his tights.
  • May 14, 1986 - I point out where you can see Randy Savage's hog in his tights.
  • November 2, 1994 - I point out where you can see Barry Horowitz's hog in his tights.
  • November 9, 1994 - CORRECTION ISSUE, I mistakenly pointed out that Horowitz was uncircumcized the week before. Duh.
  • June 20, 2007 - I point out where you can see Chris Benoit's hog in his tights. This is the issue that got me questioned by the Fayetteville, GA police department.
How? GOOD QUESTION. And now, the news.

- Ronda Rousey is close to signing with WWE. I'm not sure what's given this away other than the fact that she and the other MMA Horsewomen were featured prominently in an angle during the Mae Young Classic and that she's been training at the Performance Center for weeks now. I'm taken totally aback by this news.

- Jim Johnston has left WWE, mainly so Vince McMahon can do theme songs with his experimental Afro-fusion trance group called FUKK YUU.

- Daniel Bryan has been cleared by yet another non-WWE doctor. Dr. Joseph Maroon, WWE's doctor, however, will not clear him until he agrees to enter WWE's concussion protocol, which is also known as the Smackdown creative team.

- 205 Live will be going on tour, mainly so WWE can clear out their regular lockers on the main tour while they're gone so they can all be fired when they get back more easily.

- Matt Sydal couldn't find transportation to a British Championship Wrestling event in Scotland and refused to refund the promotion the half of his booking fee that it paid him up front. This was the most heinous act that a wrestler could perpetrate all week. I just know it.

- Michael Elgin said "Hold my beer" after hearing about Sydal.

- RAW RESULTS: Matt Hardy became "Woke" on RAW by wondering why wrestlers haven't unionized yet, and accusing Bray Wyatt of damaging the locker room's herd immunity by not vaccinating against even the most common of diseases.

- CLASH OF CHAMPIONS MATCH MADE: Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn will team up to take on Randy Orton and Shinsuke Nakamura. Orton agreed to team with Nakamura only if he could do the racist "flied lice" bit from Lethal Weapon at him after the match.

- Roman Reigns will defend the Intercontinental Championship against Triple H in Abu Dhabi. Triple H was quoted as saying he made the match as "taksies-backsies" after the time he threw the title down and demanded that he be given the Big Gold Belt instead.

- NXT will be airing on USA Network next week, under one and only one condition. THE TALENT ARE NOT ALLOWED TO REHEARSE THEIR MATCHES BEFOREHAND.

- WWE announced Machine Gun Kelly will perform at this year's Tribute to the Troops, mainly because he's the most military-sounding performer they could find on short notice.

- RUBY RIOTTTT ON BEING CALLED UP TO THE MAIN ROSTER: "On the plus side, I love touring with the main brand. On the minus side, every day I show up to work, they've added another 't' to my surname. Weird, right?"

- Konnan has been removed from his position as booker of The Crash Lucha Libre. He violated the code of ethics, apparently, when he paid his talent on time and didn't make any last minute changes to the card just for the fuck of it.

- Bret Hart filed suit against Dr. Justin Yeung over wrist surgery gone wrong in 2015. He noticed that the surgery didn't take when he felt a sharp pain there while making the JO motion while I was telling him Triple H was the greatest worker of his generation.

- Scott D'Amore and Don Callis have been named Executive Vice Presidents of Impact Wrestling. Their first order of business was having the talent rearrange the deck chairs at the Canadian Impact Zone.

- Impact also officially closed its Nashville offices to move to Toronto. It also added "We have always preferred poutine to Nashville hot chicken. Suck on that, rednecks."

- Carrie Fisher apparently had a box of Booty-Os in her kitchen before she passed away. I asked Max Landis for his comments on the intersection of two of his passions, and immediately realized what a mistake it was when he started talking about how Princess Leia jumped the shark when she took off the bikini from Return of the Jedi.

- R-Truth had surgery on his shoulder Monday, and released a rap about it Tuesday.

- Jeff Hardy will be performing at a concert on December 15 in Kentucky. You get a free half-dose of MDMA with each ticket purchased.

- Joe Rogan did a monologue to open his comedy show the other night ripping pro wrestling and its fans. I asked Dolph Ziggler why Rogan has a standup career when he's terminally unfunny, to which Ziggler replied, "Hey, I'm less funny than him and they still let me do gigs."

- The Pontiac Silverdome, site of WrestleMania III, kicked out at two during its attempted implosion this past weekend.

- Georges St. Pierre commented on his health: "I may have ulcerative colitis, but at least I don't look like a shaven penis" while pointing at Dana White.

Last week's poll results are in, and a whopping 102 percent of you think that Vince McMahon should be pilloried. I have no idea how that happened. It's mathematically impossible, but I'm not arguing with results. This week.