Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 3, Issue 16

Swann's in hot water
Photo Credit:
Well now, look who's back to dispense the news in the best way possible. THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S ME, HORB FLERBMINBER. Any of you fucks who guessed "Dave Meltzer" or "Rajah" or "That Dude on Twitter Who Obsessively Stalks rovert, Fray, and Slice" ARE UP AGAINST THE WALL WHEN I COME TO POWER, which according to my calculations... should've been last week? WHAT IN TARNATION. Regardless, whether or not I'm the Supreme Chancellor of Planet Earth, the Moon, and Sector 348-D of the Kuiper Belt has no effect on whether or not I deliver the news in a timely and accurate manner. BECAUSE I DO.

Now, you could just read the newsletter and you'll be edified beyond all active measures. But you have to get the COMPLETE HORB EXPERIENCE, so first, you must follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. You'll know when news breaks as it breaks, sometimes even BEFORE it breaks. Remember when I said Bray Wyatt would be arrested for setting off a dirty bomb in the suburbs of Portland, OR, and then five minutes later, the feds raided his compound? THAT WAS ALL HORB, BABY. And if you want to partake in getting past letters, you're in luck, because it's the TWELVE DAYS OF HORBSMAS, which includes:
  • 12 Meltzers Quote-Tweeting
  • 11 Pipers Coconutting
  • Ten Lords-a-Regaling
  • Nine Divas Searching
  • Eight Vinces Googling
  • Seven Swanns-a... actually, I've been informed this one's been discontinued, sorry
  • Six Ellsworths Laying (down for Becky Lynch)
  • Five Braaaaaaass Rings
  • Four Calling Spots
  • Three French Canadians
  • Two Steve the Turtle Weiners
  • And a Cartridge of No Mercy
And now, the news.

- Rich Swann was indefinitely suspended by WWE after being arrested for battery and false imprisonment of his wife, indie wrestler Su Yung. In response, Impact Wrestling inquired about signing him to several new contracts to replace the old guy they had for that purpose.

- The Royal Rumble Universal Championship match is slated to be Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman vs. Kane, because Vince McMahon hates you and doesn't want you to be happy no matter how much money you give him.

- RAW had the second lowest second hour in history Monday, causing Vince McMahon to make Canyon Ceman cut off two of his own fingers, leaving him with only five left between both his hands.

- SMACKDOWN UPDATE: Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon pilot for WWE Network, My Two Refs picked up for a 13-episode order.

- WWE announced today that it would be presenting a "Mixed Match Challenge" to be aired on Facebook Live in January, a mixed-tag-team series featuring one female and one male superstar on each team. Frankly, I'm so mad that WWE would promote such PERVERSION that I forgot to call Vince McMahon out on putting content on the Internet to circumvent its failing ratings. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO HIDE, VINCE?

- Triple H defeated Jinder Mahal in New Delhi this weekend, allowing him to mark off "South Asians" on his Racism Punch Card. All he needs to do is somehow wrong someone of Middle Eastern descent and he'll be awarded his own Washington lobbyist.

- Buff Bagwell recently dropped his lawsuit against WWE for royalties under the condition that he show up for RAW to make up for the time his mom called him out of work.

- SANADA and EVIL have won this year's New Japan Tag League, and I swear to God, if anyone doesn't consider them the best tag team in the world right now, I mean right this second, and says something like the Usos or whatever WWE GARBAGE they're peddling, I'm going to flip.

- Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson has announced that his girlfriend is once again expecting. Vince McMahon is said to be thrilled that Rock will have three children so he can book them to appear at every other WrestleMania to take on Shane's and Stephanie's three children.

- Someone had the bright idea to ask Jerry Lawler about the rash of sexual harassment and abuse stories coming out, and now no one is safe.

- Bret Hart was inducted into the Quebec Sports Hall of Fame last week, which retroactively justified his decision not to drop the WWE Championship in Montreal since now he's officially an honorary Quebecois.

- Rockstar Spud is expected to start with WWE next week in the cruiserweight division Expect him to get a push right away as Vince McMahon has just recently found out who Milo Yiannopoulos is.

- Nick Aldis defeated Tim Storm for the NWA World's Heavyweight Championship. When asked for comment on why he made the switch, Billy Corgan said "Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness and GOD IS EMPTY, JUST LIKE MEEEEEE."

- Drew Gulak reportedly taught other wrestlers how to play dreidel for Hanukkah. However, play was halted when Braun Strowman ate all the gelt that was set aside for gimmel without even taking his turn.

- DJ Z revealed that he has three herniated discs in his back, and almost out of reflex, Dixie Carter shouted "Not it!"

- Jushin "Thunder" Liger on why he's not on social media: "I don't need that motherfucker Horb Flerbminber stalking me electronically too."

- Both Kevin Nash and Madusa have undergone knee surgeries this past week, thus fulfilling the yin and yang of political alignment knee injuries as Nash is antifa and Madusa a full-on Trumpkin.

- The Nashville Tennessean did an interview with Jason Brown, the head of Aro Lucha, who said the company's goal was to provide "family friendly entertainment to ensure the future of the White race and for White children."

- WWE signed Nasser Airywayehi, the first ever signee from Kuwait. He will be fast-tracked to the main roster so he can feud with Iraqi Sgt. Slaughter.

Alright, last week's poll results are in, and what do you know, I won five bucks on this scratch-off lottery ticket. Wow. This week: