Monday, December 4, 2017

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for December 4, 2017

Bryan back soon?
Photo Credit:
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Bryan Danielson (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Honestly, I have to bring him back to the list because the rumblings are coming around again that he's been cleared to wrestle. The Sun is reporting it, which makes it dubious, and the actual report says that Danielson has been cleared by his own doctor and not Dr. Joseph Maroon, which means it's not a change on the last time the news was prominent. However, everyone knows Maroon is, quite bluntly, a maroon, and also that WWE is getting a bit desperate with whom it wants in the ring. If it cleared Kurt Angle... Of course, many of you don't wanna see him back in the ring, but I refer back to a thing I wrote a few months back, and hell, I'll probably write about it in depth more this week if I can carve out a few minutes between doing work stuff in Boston or what have you.

2. Kris Wolf (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Wolf's excursion into America was a rousing success, as she captured the AWS Women's Championship among other conquests. However, gold and leather are trivial concerns to her REAL desired conquests... MEAT. Hopefully, someone had the mind enough to introduce her to In 'n Out Burger while there...

3. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 6) - Look, I can barely retain RAW results from week to week anymore, so in my mind, Strowman competed in and won a cow skeletizing contest against a bunch of piranha and then proceeded to steal Renee Young from her honeymoon and climb the Empire State Building with her before being shot down by Dean Ambrose in a 1930s-style fighter plane. That's better than whatever bullshit he did with Kane, right? Unless Strowman pulverized the Demon so bad that he's no longer welcome in Hell, then I'm okay with it.

4. Toni Storm (Last Week: 9) - Storm finished her weekend excursion into California with three defenses of her various titles from STARDOM, thusly proving that her powers on American soil are magnified by a factor of ten and that you either have to be a Pirate Princess or do a lot of steroids to beat her. No one's tried the latter yet.

5. Joel Embiid (Last Week: Not Ranked) - My evidence is not words, but this gif.

6. Asuka (Last Week: 2) - Honestly, the TweetBag question from this past Thursday that posited Asuka was a much more violent Roadrunner and Dana Brooke a not-as-cerebral but still just-as-ineffective Wile E. Coyote really resonated with me. I wanna see Brooke attempt to drop an ACME-branded anvil on Asuka this week, only for it to somehow ricochet back up to her perch, land on her, and cause the cliff she was standing on to break apart and for her to have a fall that would kill anyone else but only cause her to have scrapes, mysteriously instantaneously-applied bandages, and stars floating above her head as she Undertaker-sits-up feebly and disorientedly.

7. Tacconelli's Pizza (Last Week: ) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Located in the Fishtown section of Philly, Tacconelli's has not only the best pizza in the city, but perhaps the entire country. I'd say the entire world, but I haven't been to Italy yet. We went for my dad's birthday on Saturday and got 18 pies for our whole party. My wife ordered a white pie with prosciutto on it, and let me tell you. It was not bad, but good. Make the attempt to get there if you're ever in Philly.

8. Daryl Takahashi (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The adorable yet devious mascot of LOS INGOBERNABLES de Japon welcomed a child, err, a kitten into the world today! Happy happy!

9. Alvin Kamara (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Eagles may have laid a stinkbomb to end all stinkbombs last night, but ho ho ho, that doesn't mean the NFL doesn't have someone worthy of praise this week. Kamara comprises a formidable backfield with Mark Ingram, and yesterday, he went off AGAIN in the New Orleans Saints' victory over division rival Carolina. Kamara went for 126 total yards and two touchdowns. He's having a special season, and thankfully, doing it for my fantasy football team. HUZZAH!

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - I'm still behind on NXT, but I can only assume Oney Lorcan has been here for porkin'.