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1. Joel Embiid (Last Week: 5) - I understand that the Sixers lost a couple of awful games last week and are on a bit of a slide, but goddamn, if Embiid isn't a wizard on the court. When Ben Simmons gets fully used to NBA speed and starts turning the ball over less, this team is going to be unstoppable. Trust the process, always.
2. Asuka (Last Week: 6) - Seriously, am I the only one who thinks Absolution vs. Asuka is a mismatch... in favor of Asuka? You're going to need to make this Women's Royal Rumble 29 vs. Asuka to make it fair, and even then. Even then.
3. Bryan Danielson (Last Week: 1) - Daniel Bryan's continual teasing and teasing of wrestling another match got even hotter on Tuesday when he gave Fascist-in-Chief of Smackdown Shane McMahon the sidiest side-eye possible when he got his answer for "haven't you punished them enough?" Bryan vs. McMahon would be awful, but what if it led to Bryan vs. Sami Zayn? Bryan vs. Shinsuke Nakamura? BRYAN VS. ONEY LORCAN??????
4. Toni Storm (Last Week: 4) - Apparently, her absence from a PROGRESS show means that the promotion cannot book any women. Is that power or organizational negligence? I'll let you decide.
5. Chris Long (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Look, I'm gonna level with you. Carson Wentz tearing his ACL took all the wind out of my sails the last few days. Objectively, the Eagles win against the Rams yesterday was a signature win. A statement, if you will. Chris Long was a big reason for that, maybe the climactic reason, because when he snatched the ball out of Jared Goff's hands and set the team up for the winning score, he tried to make up for Wentz's injury all by himself and then some. Even in the pall of this pyrrhic victory, Long's efforts should not go unnoticed. He's basically playing for free this year, donating all of his money to various charities, including Charlottesville and Heather Heyer-releated stuff. The man signed on at the end of his career to help provide depth and get a ring, and he's earned the money he's giving away. If I can take solace in anything, it's that he and the rest of the team stepped up and rallied around Wentz after he went down.
6. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 3) - Seriously, if he doesn't turn Kane into a grease spot tonight, I'm gonna scream.
7. Barretta (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Chuck Taylor gets all the pub, but man, "Greg" is just as much a reason why the Best Friends are so enjoyable, especially when he's wishing poisoning on someone for being a jackass.
8. New England Clam Chowder (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED RANKING - I used to flippantly say that Wawa had the best clam chowder, partially because it was my favorite until last week, and part to razz the New Englanders. However, I had two really killer clam chowders on my work excursion in Boston last week, and they were two different soups. One, at Dorsett Hall, was thick and had big chunks of bacon and tender clams. The other, at Lower Mills Tavern, had a slightly sweet but herbacious flavor that went well with its smooth texture. Maybe I need to stop razzing the Massholes.
9. Coco (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I don't know how Pixar does it, but man, they have a way of making adults ugly-cry at movies. We went with the kids yesterday to see a matinee, and let me tell you, by the third act, I was crying as much as Glenn Beck talking about not being allowed to do a racism without someone yelling at him. Honestly, of the Pixar movies I've seen, the only one I didn't like was Cars 2, but man, Coco rockets up my Pixar Power Rankings pretty high right now.
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Sorry, I'm still catching my breath from suggesting that Daniel Bryan also might be here for porkin'.