|ARE YOU READY FOR WRESTLEKINGDOM?|
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
Anyway, if you want the partial Horb experience, then by all means, JUST READ THE NEWSLETTER. However, if you want it all and you want it NOW, then follow me on Twitter Dot Com, @HorbFlerbminber. You'll know when and where I post screenshots of The Iron Sheik posting antisemitic rants before deleting them. If you guess which ones are doctored and which ones are real, you can get a prize! You can also get back issues of the newsletter if you believe in yourself and if you have $123.95 for shipping and handling. What issues can you order this week? It's anyone's guess!
And now, the news:
- WRESTLEKINGDOM PREVIEW: My god, I am on hour 16 of my priapism in anticipation.
- Chris Jericho dedicated his match against Kenny Omega at the event to Chris Benoit, and, well, even I know that's in poor taste.
- WWE announced the first two teams for the Mixed Match Challenge, but I didn't catch them because I spent the entire time begging, PLEADING with Vince McMahon to make sure that he didn't CATER TO THE PERVERTS and have only men wrestle men and women wrestle women. It turned out I was talking to George Hamilton's statue at Madame Tussauds.
- The women's Royal Rumble will have 30 entrants. Of course it will, these broads need to have everything like the men do, don't they? This just in, Horb Flerbminber will now go on mandatory sensitivity tra... oh goddammit, not again.
- Finn Bálor reunited with Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows in a six-man tag. Original plans called for the three to wear Bullet Club shirts and tear up pictures of the Young Bucks and Cody Rhodes before the match, but Triple H was able to talk Vince McMahon out of the idea by giving him his daily dose of ether and putting him to sleep on his cot in Gorilla position.
- Braun Strowman missed several shows with "really bad flu," and Wade Keller is already over here bitching that he should've toughed it out because Strowman should never look weak and always look invincible.
- AJ Styles must defend the WWE Championship in a handicap match vs. Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn at the Royal Rumble. When notified of the match, he almost dropped the hard R-bomb before being explained he wasn't actually wrestling a handicapped wrestler.
- Enzo Amore missed RAW and 205 Live this week with what WWE officials are calling "a really fuckin' nasty hangover."
- WWE stock prices reached their highest point since it went public, but once I flood the market selling all 30,831 of my shares at discount pricing, it won't stay there. MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
- Xavier Woods posted a video featuring Leva "Blue Pants" Bates in advance of his United States Championship tournament match against Aiden English, showing that he's just as disgusting a mark as she is.
- Stephanie McMahon invited Chrissy Teigen to WrestleMania after the supermodel said on Twitter that the Mania she went to was the most fun she'd ever had in her life. What McMahon didn't tell her that the invitation was to be in a wrestling match where McMahon would beat her in 30 seconds, thus becoming the premiere first lady of pop culture.
- Tommaso Ciampa ominously wished Johnny Gargano a happy new year on Twitter by telling him to suck his balls. No wait, that can't be right, that's what I tweeted at Todd... Martin... oh no. OH NO.
- Cody Rhodes said on Twitter that knows the venue for his big show with the Bullet Club, but if you want to find out, you have to "kiss the rings, peasant."
- Ring of Honor unveiled new title belts, and well, maybe they actually shouldn't have.
- David Starr called out Matthias Glass, an indie wrestler who isn't Jewish but employs a stereotypically Hasidic gimmick. Glass responded by saying "Oy gevalt, meshugginah, what is it with these people being so quick to manufacture outrage."
- Starr wrestled Joey Janela at Beyond Wrestling right after midnight to complete the first match of 2018. As is tradition, the first match of the year included a thumbtack-studded dildo, which was a tradition going back to 1944, when Lou Thesz and Billy Whipper Watson first used the weapon in their New Year's match.
- Sid no-showed the Absolute Intense Wrestling show booked and themed around him last week. His excuse was that he couldn't travel thanks to President Donald Trump's Muslim ban. Little-known fact, Sid also converted to Islam when Antonio Inoki did in the '90s, so his excuse is definitely legit.
- Miesha Tate has announced that she's pregnant and that her new daughter will debut in the UFC's strawweight division against Birdie Jo Danielson at UFC 222 in a Daycare Center somewhere in Dagestan.
- Dana White has stated he wants to promote boxing in the coming year. "I mean, Don King already made a laughingstock out of the sport. What more damage can I do?"
- Bayley tweeted that her goal in 2018 was to grittily reboot herself, starting out by running Izzy over with a motorcycle.
- The Washington Capitals have started using Oney Lorcan's theme song as its official goal celebration tune, which is appropriate since the Caps have the same winning percentage in the playoffs as Lorcan has in NXT so far.
- Brian Pillman, Jr. made his pro wrestling debut on December 30 by brandishing a gun at Steve Austin's dog, Hershey.
- Impact ratings were up for the second straight week, as its strategy of getting its one viewer to tell a friend and to have those friends each tell another friend is working.
Last week's poll results are in, and 52 percent of you thought Kazuchika Okada was the wrestler of the year, while 26 percent thought it was Kenny Omega. Another ten percent answered Tetsuya Naito, eight percent said Hiroshi Tanahashi, and the four percent who said Roman Reigns have been executed via firing squad. This week: