|Reigns on the sauce?|
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Additionally, you can follow me on Twitter, and hell, you SHOULD follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. If you don't, I will hunt you down and explain evolution to your children. And if you're one of those sciency people, I'll explain creationism to them. I AM AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY OFFENDER. Also, you can order back issues of the newsletter. I'd tell you where to get them, but honestly, I forgot. I've spent so much time trawling Tumblr for news items that I just can't be bothered.
And now, the news!
- Roman Reigns has been named as a client of Robert Rodriguez of Wellness Fitness Inc., a company who was raided by the feds last year for illegal distribution of steroids. However, my sources grew suspicious when they found Rodriguez's jail cell looked a little too much like Dario Cueto's office, and his business card said "Totally not the director and the guy funding Lucha Underground, nope."
- If Reigns faces repercussions for his alleged involvement, expect WrestleMania to be headlined by Brock Lesnar vs. Hulk Hogan to make up for the lost star power. Braun Strowman will still be slotted in the Andre the Giant battle royale.
- I asked Vince McMahon about the possible Reigns involvement, and he said "WWE IS COMMITTED TO HAVING A DRUG FREE ENVIRONMENT. JUST LOOK AT OUR STERLING HISTORY OF NATURALLY MUSCULAR WRESTLERS LIKE TED ARCIDI, GARY STRYDOM, AND, UH, ME. FUCK YOU."
- Ricochet, Candice LeRae, Raymond Rowe, and Hanson all started at the Performance Center this week. All of them are slotted for 205 Live currently.
- Chuck Taylor won the Pro Wrestling Guerrilla Championship from Ricochet this past Friday. During the match, he called Ricochet a "piece of shit," which was reportedly a shoot, stemming back to their shared childhood in Kentucky, when Ricochet ate cheese blintzes meant as payment for whitewashing a fence without actually completing the task, even if Ricochet said the blintzes were crap.
- Bobby Lashley, Chelsea Green, and Ethan Carter III have all left Impact Wrestling. To offset those losses, the company brought back Scott Steiner, mainly so Ed Nordholm could get group discounts on meals at Shoney's.
- Jey Uso was arrested for driving while intoxicated over the weekend. For safe measures, Jimmy Uso was also arrested to guard against twin magic.
- Samoa Joe will be out three-to-four months thanks to an injury suffered on RAW against Curt Hawkins. Vince McMahon was angry until he realized Joe was just going to be the first guy out in the Andre Battle Royale at Mania anyway.
- Paige's injury is so severe that she'll have to retire from in-ring competition. Backstage news pins the blame on Sasha Banks, as she is well-known as the engineer of WWE's brutal touring schedule, and she personally made Paige come back from an injury she wasn't ready to return from.
- Chris Jericho will appear at RAW 25 Monday. Will Tetsuya Naito also appear to further their angle? PFFFT, you fool. You utter lowlife scum. Naito would never deign himself to appear on WWE programming ever. EVER. NAKAMURA IS A TRAITOR TO STRONG STYLE.
Last week's poll results are in, and I somehow got 124 percent participation. I gotta stop using Scott Steiner as my actuary. This week: