Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 4

Photo Credit:
Oh, welcome back all you readers, or should I say NEWS FIENDS. I am HORB FLERBMINBER, and this newsletter is the MOST TRUSTED SOURCE FOR WRESTLING NEWS ON THE INTERNET, nay, ANYWHERE ON PLANET EARTH. I would be the most trusted news source for wrestling on Gamma Prime in the Andromeda Galaxy, but Dave Meltzer SLANDERED ME with accusations of simony and institutional malfeasance he got from a MySpace account. HE'S BRANCHING OUT, PEOPLE.

Honestly, if you just want to read the newsletter, that's okay I guess, but don't even THINK about looking me in the eye in public if you don't go WHOLE HORB. What does that mean? Well, you should definitely follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. Where else can you get up to the NANOSECOND news updates? Certainly not from following that hack Rajah. DID YOU KNOW HIS NEWS WAS WRONG 69 PERCENT OF THE TIME? That is certainly not nice. Also, you should definitely buy back issues of my newsletter. Where can they purchased? Contact Coliseum Home Video. Don't ask me why.

And now, the news.

- RAW 25 REPORT: The Attitude Era is back, baby!

- Fans at the Manhattan Center felt ripped off by WWE when they got all of a half-hour of live action with the rest of the experience relegated to watching the Barclays Center action on a screen. Furthermore, WWE-paid superfan plants like Frank the Clown and Brock Lesnar Guy didn't receive hazard pay like they were promised and are furious.

- ROMAN REIGNS ADDRESSES STEROID ACCUSATIONS: "Of course I took them. It's One vs. All, how else do you think I level the playing field?"

- ENZO AMORE HEAT WATCH: The fire done been put out, y'all.

- The Royal Rumble in 2019 will take place at Chase Field in Phoenix. When asked why he chose a baseball stadium, Vince McMahon said, "SO I'LL HAVE EASY ACCESS TO BASEBALL BATS TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE WHO BOOS WHEN ROMAN REIGNS WINS AGAIN. FUCK YOU."

- Kota Ibushi was officially announced for Ring of Honor's WrestleMania weekend shows, where he will wrestle new signee Chode Fromunda in a five minute opener.

- 205 Live will announce a general manager on next week's episode, and you guessed it, it's Frank Stallone.

- RETRACTION: Norm McDonald has punched me in the groin for stealing his bit from Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live for that last news item.

- Ethan Carter III cancelled on an indie show on January 28, which is the same day as the Royal Rumble. However, that rumor was killed when it was also confirmed January 28 is the date of the latest Donald Trump rally.

- Melissa Santos and Brian Cage welcomed their first child into the world. The child delivered herself when she burst out of Santos' womb using the cybernetic hand she inherited genetically from her father.

- Jeff Cobb, Penta El Zero M, and Rey Fenix all were pulled from Westside Xtreme Wrestling's 16 Carat Tournament due to Lucha Underground tapings, showing that all three are GODDAMN MARKS FOR PARTICIPATING IN THAT FILTH AND BUSINESS EXPOSING HOODOO OVER REAL WRESTLING.

- Kris Wolf returned to STARDOM this past weekend and ate three fellow competitors in an attempt to satisfy her insatiable hunger for human flesh.

- WWE Hall of Famer Sting made news today when he released an album with Matthew Lillard, who plays Shaggy in the latest theatrical releases in the Scooby-Doo franchise.

- Dana White stated he would give CM Punk another chance in UFC, but only if he admits to doing Benghazi.

- Dolph Ziggler attended this past weekend's Ultimate Fighting Championship show. He stole the show when he rushed the octagon from his seat, took a punch from Stipe Miocic, and bumped all the way back to his seat from the cage.

- STEPHANIE MCMAHON ON WHY SHE BROKE CHARACTER TO ANNOUNCE THE WOMEN'S ROYAL RUMBLE: "Fuck you, I'm a McMahon, that's why. Also, when was the last time you satisfied your wife, you miserable little pissant?"

- Impact Wrestling scored 300K viewers for Impact this week, but how many of them were Russian bots and kompromat? According to Eric Garland, Seth Abramson, and Rachael Maddow, 297,556 of them were. Wow.

- Combat sports were banned in Edmonton, but pro wrestling was given an exemption when local promoters vouched for its worked nature. Jim Cornette was said to have been taken to a local hospital for spikes in his blood pressure upon hearing the news.

Last week's poll results are in, and congratulations, you got the job. You start Monday. This week: