Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 5

Photo Credit:
Hey, did you know who's back this week? No, it's not CM PUNK. He's off planning BENGHAZI 2: BENGHAZI HARDER. How did I get that information? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW. No, HORB FLERBMINBER IS BACK, and he's taking no prisoners. YOU HEAR ME, BRAD SHEPARD? I KNOW YOU STOLE ALL MY SCOOPS AND PASSED THEM OFF AS YOUR OWN. Just remember that next time you go to Panera Bread and order a breakfast sandwich. THEY BUY THEIR EGGS FROM ME, AND I HAVE PLENTY OF WEAPONIZED LISTERIA TO GO AROUND, MOTHERFUCKER.

Of course, you want to get the whole HORB EXPERIENCE. You don't just read the newsletter and think to yourself, "Oh, this is just enough Horb to get me through the week," because if you do, YOU'RE A FUCKING MARK. You're not a FUCKING MARK, are you? Then first, you have to follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. Nowhere else will you find the best news that I stole from the brain of psychic bugs who have seen every single possible future and writhe in agony because of their terrible, terrible gift. NOWHERE. And you also have to check out some prior issues of the newsletter, like these?
  • All there is is pain
  • Why won't you believe me?
  • January 8, 1986 - What does Jim Crockett Promotions have in store for the new year?
  • It's too late. It's far too late.
Get all those AND MORE!

And now, the news.

- Asuka won the historic first-ever Women's Royal Rumble. In lieu of a title shot at WrestleMania, the Empress of Tomorrow was granted the privilege of standing within five feet of a bona fide star in Ronda Rousey.

- Rousey signed a full-time deal with WWE. She wasn't able to negotiate advance warning of false flags with her deal, so to compensate, she's not scheduled to lose a match until 2021.

- Cris "Cyborg" Santos, who has openly lobbied for a chance to work for WWE in the past, said she's happy for Rousey going into the company because wins and losses are decided beforehand unlike in MMA.

- Lita wore a shirt that said #MeToo on it during her stint in the Rumble match, which she did as a surprise. Had she not, she'd have had to explained it to Vince McMahon, and either run the risk of enraging him by reminding him of his many instances of sexual harassment or putting him to sleep while explaining it to him and thus having to deal with looking at him with drool hanging out of his mouth. If you've ever seen Vince McMahon asleep sitting up with drool dangling from the corner of his mouth, you'd know it's a visual that causes instant vomit.

- The first ever women's Elimination Chamber match was announced on RAW. The history-making match will happen at the eponymous pay-per-view, and plans are that the winner, whoever she is, will be used as a welcome mat for Ronda Rousey to wipe her feet on as she points to the WrestleMania sign again.

- Rousey's first match in WWE is scheduled to be with a partner of her choosing against Triple H and Stephanie McMahon, so at least they're keeping all the evil contained into one match on the show, thank Christ.

- Jonathan Coachman also returned to WWE, because who was going to hire his ass again after he got himself fired from ESPN for denying that bullying ever existed in this world?

- Shinsuke Nakamura won the Men's Royal Rumble, but it was the third match on the card, so it makes him a JABRONI, do you hear me?

- WrestleMania next year will take place at MetLife Stadium at the Meadowlands in New Jersey. The event will be billed as a New York WrestleMania, so to both commemorate the last main event to happen there and to keep in line with the authentic theme, John Cena vs. The Rock, Once in a Lifetime Part Three, is scheduled to headline.

- If you don't credit Brad Shepard with breaking this news three months ago, you will be put on trial at The Hague in front of a jury of 12 of his finest Twitter followers, who for real exist and aren't paid-for bots.

- Brad Shepard also exclusively reported that the XFL was coming back and it did. How dare any of you impugn his good name by reporting these all important FACTS? Just because he's a crudbucket on Twitter and looks like Pugsley Addams all grown up doesn't mean you should make fun of him. RESPECT HIS AUTHORATAH!

- Vince McMahon unveiled his plan for the XFL, which was just "1. EVERYONE STANDS FOR THE ANTHEM, 2. FUCK YOU" written on the whiteboard.

- The Dudley Boys will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, a great honor reserved for only the most upstanding citizens like Jimmy Snuka, Carlos Colon, Fabulous Moolah, Bill Watts, Jerry Lawler, and Greg "The Hammer" Valentine.

- TAKEOVER RESULTS: Now that it's men in singles matches having the best matches on the card, NXT is no longer graded on a curve!

- War Machine was shown in the crowd and the actual name "War Machine" was used to identify them. I had to get my fainting couch, because what if an impressionable lad or lass did a Google search on them, and clicked to the fifth or sixth page past the tag team and the Brad Pitt movie and the KISS song and the Marvel Comics character and found out that it was also the name of an obscure MMA fighter who was in jail for abusing his girlfriend? I AM OUTRAGED.

- Jeremy Borash and Ethan Carter III have officially taken jobs with WWE, with Bobby Lashley expected to do so soon. I attempted to get a comment from Ed Nordholm, but he was too busy receiving CPR after nearly drowning in his own flopsweat after the departures were official.

- New Japan Pro Wrestling sold out of its March 25 Long Beach, CA show, Strong Style Evolved, in 20 minutes. If that's not a testament to how incredibly LUCRATIVE its brand is now, stop reading this newsletter right now and drink all the laxative and/or ipecac in your house right now. YOU DESERVE TO SUFFER.

- Kenny Omega and Kota Ibushi officially reunited their famous Golden Lovers tag team at New Beginning Sunday with an embrace and confetti raining from the ceiling. They originally pitched a live sex celebration to Gedo, but he nixed it, citing "Penetration's a Dome gimmick, brother."

- Lifelong Patriots fan and pandering son of a bitch John Cena sang "Fly Eagles Fly" with the RAW crowd after cameras went off the air Monday.

- Mandy Rose will replace Alicia Fox in the Mixed Match Challenge. I don't even know why I'm reporting this, it's not like her team is gonna make it out of the first round. For fuck's sake.

- MIXED MATCH CHALLENGE RESULTS: I am currently furious at the breaking of kayfabe that went on this week. Sami Zayn gave Becky Lynch a cake and Braun Strowman, WHO PAUSED HIS RAMPAGE ON RAW TWO WEEKS AGO TO FUCKING EAT CAKE, didn't barge in to steal it? WHO IS WRITING THIS SHIT? I DEMAND CONTINUITY!

- Rockstar Spud debuted with WWE as the general manager of 205 Live. He was given the name Ron Konkoma.

Last week's poll results are in, and surprisingly, none of you think the word "mark" is a slur on par with the "n-word." No, seriously, I'm shocked, I thought most of you were goddamn cavemen. Good job. This week: