Monday, January 8, 2018

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for January 8, 2018

Let's see how long this lasts
Screenshot credit:
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Asuka (Last Poll: 4) - Asuka's partner for the Mixed Match Classic was announced today, The Miz. In addition to being the favorite team to win just because of how destruction and cheating form such a formidable duo, the possibility exists that at some point, Asuka will kick Miz's head clean off his shoulders for no other reason than she can, which is always primo.

2. Joey Janela (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - Missed in TWB's winter break was the first wrestling match of the year, David Starr vs. Janela in a fans bring the weapons match at Beyond Wrestling after the crack of midnight. One fan brought a dildo studded in thumbtacks, which is not only definitely not PG, but also the most Janela-appropriate weapon I've ever encountered in the history of knowing him and knowing wrestling.

3. Tetsuya Naito (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - Did Naito win the IWGP Championship in the Dome from Kazuchika Okada, even though Okada was in long-boys? Nope. Did he get the better of Chris Jericho after Y2J sneak-attacked him at New Year's Dash? Nope. But he still came out of the weekend looking just as tranquilo as he did coming into it.

4. Joel Embiid (Last Poll: 3) - Sure, the Sixers hit a bit of a skid lately, but blame that on the medical staff using leeches and alchemy instead of real medicine. Embiid has put the team on his back so much it's sore.

5. Roquan Smith (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - Tonight is the night Georgia looks to exercise the demons, win a title, and kick Bama in the dick to do it. The team's all-world linebacker may not seem to be a key player, but he was the reason the shootout with Oklahoma in the Rose Bowl went to overtime with his big plays. If Georgia wins, he'll be a huge reason why.

6. Braun Strowman (Last Poll: 7) - How much time you think Vince McMahon has spent thinking about his Mania match? Two minutes? 90 seconds? Any time at all? God, I hope he punts Kane into the Delaware River at the Rumble.

7. Toni Storm (Last Poll: 8) - I heard she got not only several tiny hats for Christmas, but also tiny helmets, bonnets, and even a tiny purse. I'm ramming this joke into dust, aren't I? I don't care.

8. Turkey Pot Pie (Last Poll: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - I've long defended turkey as a holiday protein, but its worth is validated in that any leftover meat can be used to make POT PIE. My wife finally got a hold of the leftover turkey from Christmas (it was frozen) from her mother and made some tonight, and yep, it was worth the wait.

9. John Young (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - The astronaut passed away this past week. He wasn't the first man in space, or on the moon, but he was the first man to sneak a contraband corned beef sandwich into space. I salute him heartily for being a food patriot and the inspiration for the classic Simpsons gag where Homer breaks open the potato chips in zero gravity.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Poll: 10) - New year, new opportunities for porkin', baby!