Monday, January 15, 2018

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for January 15, 2018

Photo Credit: Ya Boy TH
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Homemade Cheesesteaks (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - You can get a decent cheesesteak anywhere in Philly unless it's one of the tourist traps (Pat's and Geno's both fuckin' suck, fam), but honestly, if you learn how to make one yourself, you're golden. I haven't really mastered the art yet, but my father has been making incredible cheesesteaks at home for years. Last night, he made them for dinner over my brother's, and let me tell you, they were good, not bad. If you just distilled them down to meat, cheese, bread, they'd be phenomenal, because my dad puts two types of cheese (sharp provolone and American) and high quality, Cajun-seasoned meat on crusty Italian bread. However, the add-ons put it over the top: fried onions, sauteed spinach, sauteed jalapenos. I was in heaven.

2. Ben Simmons (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Simmons got into a spat with Toronto Raptors guard Kyle Lowry today in the Sixers' Martin Luther King Day game, but Simmons wasn't about to let the veteran bully him. Apparently, they had a confrontation in the hallway afterwards, it was that heated. When asked about the altercation, Simmons instantly galvanized his Philly folk cred by saying "I won't play around. I'm not going to take shit from anybody." I love this team.

3. Asuka (Last Week: 1) - On the eve of the Mixed Match Challenge, I'm still anxiously awaiting which male superstar Asuka is going to crack in the skull with her right foot. Hopefully, it's Miz, but even without dissension in the ranks, I'm excited to see some big roundhouses upside heads.

4. Fletcher Cox (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Eagles rolled onto the NFC Championship game with a big win over the Falcons in the divisional round. The Falcons only scored when turnovers gave them good field position, and even then, ten points was all they could muster from their high-powered offense. A big reason for that was Cox stuffing the middle, taking on double teams and fighting through them, and basically earning his keep as the highest paid defensive lineman in football. Bring on the Vikings!

5. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 6) - In my alternate universe headcanon, where Strowman's talents aren't wasted on motherfucking Kane, he conquered St. Kitt's and Nevis on a dare. Of course, you say him dragging rigging on Kane and Brock Lesnar is impressive, but y'know what, no. Fuck Kane. Fuck Lesnar. When he does that shit to Roman Reigns or Samoa Joe or John Cena, it gets me all tingly. Kane is garbage and Lesnar only does it for me when wrestling weird ass matches.

6. Chuck Taylor (Last Week: Not Ranked) - "Good luck on 205 Live, you piece of shit."

7. Mark Henry (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Former BOTW Rankings mainstay Mark Henry seems to have confirmed his retirement, or maybe someone just finally caught wind of it, because it made rounds this past weekend. Henry signed an absurd contract with WWE, one that the company tried and tried and tried to make him breach by being racist as hell towards him. He kept on it, ran it out, signed a new, more reasonable one, and killed it with a late career run that I can only describe as boss. That's how you do it.

8. Chelsea Manning (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Manning is running for Senate in Maryland, which is causing an uproar because ZOMG SHE LEAKED STATE SECRETS TO The Russians or some shit. In reality, her whistleblowing helped save innocent lives, and what she got for it was torture from "good liberal President" Obama. Hopefully, she kicks some ass and helps bring some progression to the Senate, even if the Senate should be abolished. Whatever.

9. Nick Gage (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Wrestling Twitter will make anyone a fucking talking point. Someone got in a tizzy because he cuts promos on Twitter in the only way he can, which is a stark difference from wrestlers who try to be all normie on Twitter. Your mileage may vary, but Gage is must-see for a reason. That all snowballed into people being mad because he robbed a bank, which yeah, it's not the best look, but in terms of transgressive actions, stealing money from evil banks while in dire straits is way, way, WAY more forgivable than what some of these pieces of shit in the wrestling business do, like beating and raping vulnerable people. That somehow morphed into a discussion over whether Gage was the new WOKE BAE, which is even more absurd because in no way is Gage fucking woke. He's a Jersey scumbag who went to jail who probably has said some dire shit. But it's like, how many fucking wrestlers out there are woke? Maybe Zack Sabre, Jr.? Wrestling Twitter fuckin' sucks. Nick Gage doesn't until proven otherwise. You can't tell me the dude who reformed his life after robbing a bank (which again, could be considered great praxis in some more extreme circles) and just wants to use Twitter to cut promos is the worst thing.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - When you're here for porkin', you're here for a lot of other things too. But mostly porkin'.