Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 6

Jordan has neck issues
Photo Credit:
So, are all you REPROBATES and BELLENDS done celebrating the Super Bowl? Huh? HUH? I know Holzerman isn't, that motherfucker. He still stinks of Victory Golden Monkey and horseshit. WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS DOING ALL THAT HIGHFALLUTIN' STUFF. Only rat vomit and Jeppsen's Malort for your newsmaster, HORB FLERBMINBER. That's right, I'm DRUNK ALL THE TIME, not just when some shitty football team finally stops being shitty long enough to win something. BESIDES, I'M A FAN OF THE DECATUR STALEYS. It's hard to be disappointed with a team that DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE.

You know what does exist though? MY TWITTER ACCOUNT. That's right, you won't get the full HORB EXPERIENCE unless you follow me @HorbFlerbminber. When else will you be able to see me post DMs from Vader about the time he loaded ferrets into a bazooka and fired them at Mitsuharu Misawa as a rib? YOU WON'T KNOW UNLESS YOU FOLLOW ME. Also, you might want to order some old issues of the newsletter, before you hear someone talk about it for six hours on a podcast. DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE ENDLESSLY BLATHERING ON ABOUT BEFORE THEY START? Of course you do. That's why you should order these issues... oh wait, I'm being told all my old newsletter issues have been used as kindling in Eagles Super Bowl celebrations. Sorry.

Anyway, here's the news:

- go birds


- go birds

- Jason Jordan undergoes neck surgery. Sources are saying that WWE is going WAY too far in pushing this Jordan-as-Kurt-Angle's-son story.

- Booker T recently revealed that he was let go of his regular duties as color commentator on RAW because WWE was afraid he'd get into an altercation with Corey Graves. He followed it up by saying that he and Corey Graves were actually "dawgs," and that for real, Jason Jordan sucks.

- The Miz signed a new four-year deal with WWE. The big news here is that Miz is revealed as NOT being on permanent retainer for WWE.

- Lita was asked why she supported #TimesUp on her Royal Rumble gear, and, well, if you need to ask a woman why she's against women getting raped, you deserve to get your head smushed in a vise.

- Karl Anderson and his wife are expecting their fourth child, rubbing it in the face of everyone involved that he's had sex with his Hot Asian Wife at least four times now.

- go birds

- WWE is putting together a gigantic Latin American tournament to happen in Ch... oh wait, plans changed, Vince McMahon is just going to have tacos ordered to Titan Towers tomorrow for lunch.

- Vickie Guerrero and Sasha Banks had a tearful conversation about the former's late husband, Eddie that was caught on camera. What the footage didn't show you was Banks getting Guerrero to sign what she thought was a birthday card, but instead it was adoption papers. Now Eddie Guerrero is legally Banks' father.

- REY MYSTERIO ON NEGOTIATIONS TO RETURN TO WWE: "I want to say there's a chance, but if I don't, Vince McMahon will kill my son Dominic. Please, I don't care that you made me put custody of him on the line in a ladder match! LEAVE HIM BE!"

- go birds

- WWE dot com showed footage of Undertaker receiving pain medication in order to allow him to give the best performance possible at WrestleMania 33. Since that didn't work, officials will give him hallucinogens this year.

- WWE released a bunch of Coliseum Home Video content to The Network, complete with bad-tracking and ads with unblurred phone numbers just to make you feel at home.

- Cody Rhodes was asked on Twitter whether Vince McMahon held wrestlers back, and you won't believe the EPIC CLAPBACK Rhodes gave to this person who probably hasn't had a meaningful interaction on Twitter otherwise in three years.

- Rhodes will headline Ring of Honor's Supercard of Honor this year against Kenny Omega in a battle of Bullet Club supremacy. ROH officials teased the match by asking on Twitter what people would've thought in 1941 if Hitler and Mussolini did battle with each other, and boy, yeah, that went over like a lead balloon.

- ROH announced it would introduce a streaming service, Honor Club, that would offer unlimited access to the company's vast backlog. When asked why they decided to do it now, Sinclair representative Shadowy Figure in a Trenchcoat responded, "Look, we didn't think about this angle at first, but we realized we could get unprecedented access to people's personal information by offering them wrestling. This could be huge in our efforts to get Donald Trump re-elected in 2020."

- Bubba Ray Dudley on who should induct him into the WWE Hall of Fame: "Well, since racism is an abstract concept and not an actual person who is capable of doing things in the corporeal world, I guess I'll have to settle for Paul Heyman or the Hardy Boys."

- New Japan's latest United States special, Strong Style Evolved, will air live on AXS-TV March 25. If you don't watch it, you're a TRAITOR to strong style. And if you don't have AXS-TV? You motherfucker. You'd BETTER DEMAND your cable company to pick it up or so help me god. SO HELP ME GOD.

- Ric Flair appeared at Wing Bowl, Philadelphia's annual early-morning, bear-soaked chicken wing-eating competition that happens the Friday before the Super Bowl, and surprisingly, he was one of the least embarrassing people in attendance.

- go birds

- Tommy Dreamer will challenge Nick Aldis for the NWA World Championship at House of Hardcore in Philadelphia, marking the second time the title has been defended in an empty arena match since Billy Corgan and Dave Lagana took over promotions for the governing body.

Last week's poll results are in, and for some reason 14 percent of you thought the goddamn Chicago Bears were going to win the Super Bowl. They didn't even make the playoffs. I DIDN'T EVEN OFFER THEM AS A CHOICE. You people are out of goddamn control. This week: