Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 8

Photo Credit:
Well, well, well, HORB FLERBMINBER is back to give you all the news you can shove into your shopping cart without tripping an alarm. How much is that, exactly? Well, it's WAY more than bottles of Malört at Binny's Beverage Depot, that's for sure. I KNOW THAT FROM EXPERIENCE. Anyway, I will have all the best news and opinions this week, WAY MORE than that hack Dave Meltzer. Did you know he trolls Tumblr for information to smear assault victims? That part isn't a joke. Fuck him. Anyway...

If you want the full HORB EXPERIENCE, then you have to do one of two things, preferably both. The first is follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. Why would you NOT want to, unless you didn't want the most up-to-date news on things that matter without whining and complaining that I'm not getting the credit I deserve like Brad Shepard. Seriously, fuck him too. Also, you can get old issues of the newsletter that you can read on your own time instead of listening to Bryan Alvarez cover old news like it's current today. Fuck him the most. Where can you get them? Good question. And now, the news.

- Jeff Jarrett will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in this class, proving once and for all the potential for nepotism beneficiaries to fail up is infinite.


- WWE announced the end of brand exclusive pay-per-view events. Now, pay-per-views will be happening all the time, and if you want to call yourself a fan, you must watch them in perpetuity lest you miss out.

- Seth Rollins tweeted about being in the gauntlet match Monday:

- Michael Elgin returned to the indies this past weekend with two surprise bookings at Rockstar Pro Wrestling and AAW. Now that fans shit all over him, promoters Sami Callihan and Danny Daniels are now emboldened to make the right choice and not book him again. So brave.

- Also, Sami Callihan has a history of abuse against ex-girlfriends. This one's not a joke.

- Ring of Honor has announced Honor Club streaming service. However, you need to sign up to find out what you're getting. Sinclair representative Shadowy Figure in a Trenchcoat said in response to my questioning, "Even though I'm pretty sure we can still sell a bunch of subs with our Trump Youth indoctrination reels, if we advertised them, the optics would be terrible."

- ROH has also announced Cody Rhodes vs. Flip Gordon for its Manhattan Mayhem show. If Rhodes wins, Gordon has to acknowledge that the world is a sphere.

- Pro Wrestling Insider reported Diamond Dallas Page was backstage at RAW Monday. I'd like to tell you why, but when I clicked on the hyperlink, my computer was infected with about 50 trojan horses, and now, I owe Yuri Zhetnev in Vladivostok 45,000 rubles to unlock all the programs.

- Kenny Omega has been confirmed for Chris Jericho's cruise. Why would he though? This doesn't make any sense. Omega and Jericho are FEUDING. They have HEAT. Why would they break kayfabe like this? I haven't taken a shit in five weeks.

- EVIL has been removed from the New Japan Anniversary show because he has been stabbed with a lance blessed by the Archbishop of Canterbury. He'll be out for three-to-five weeks and come back rebranded as GOOD.

- Keiji Mutoh will be undergoing double knee replacement. He said, however, that he'll wrestle again as long as they don't have to remove his mist gland.

- Apollo Crews became simply Apollo this week because his surname sounded way too similar to the Parkland school shooter. Sources say he'll just be Ollo soon because apparently, Vince McMahon has just gotten into Greek mythology and finds it way too fucked up for human consumption.

- Three title matches have been set up for WWE Fastlane, and folks, they're all terrible.

- Matt Hardy vs. Bray Wyatt has been added to the Elimination Chamber card, which will further their endeavor to suck all the life out of the Woken Matt Hardy character once and for all.

- PWG REVEALS FULL CARD FOR TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE and with travel time, show time, and the refractory period after the show's over for when he needs to recover from his orgasmic fury, you'll have roughly 24 hours to plan your heist of Dave Meltzer's house so you can take back the Jewel of Antigua for the Society of Silence.

- James Ellsworth is creating an Intergender Championship out of spite because the NWA won't book him to win the Ten Pounds of Gold. Typical pervert behavior.

- Floyd Mayweather has shown interest in fighting in MMA, but only if he can go up against a fighter who is dumb enough to fall for his stall tactics in the Octagon. UFC officials are waiting to free up CM Punk for the fight.

- Jim Ross will do a one-man show April 5, which will just feature him wolf-whistling and saying SAUCE IT at female wrestlers' photos on Twitter.

Last week's poll results are in, and none of you think Great Power Uti is innocent of murdering his wife. A whopping 100 percent of you, however, stopped caring about him a week or so after that Colt Cabana podcast. This week: